You just do whatever you think of doing.

Go on. I don't want to stop you from doing things that please you the most.
I don't want to restrain you from being you.

I don't want you to think you shouldn't go because I need you. Yes, I do. But please. Don't trouble yourself on my account.

I want you to be happy. If you can't do that with me, I understand. Yet while you're still staying, let me do everything I could for you. Just allow me. Maybe you'd change your mind.

And if you don't, well . . . no hard feelings. I daresay it would be about time for you to decide this way. I've hindered a normal college life for you long enough. Hindered a normal feminine life for you long enough.

I didn't mean to keep you for so long. I became selfish. I'm sorry for leading you on into something which, you once said, was a very wrong thing from the very start.

If anything, I want you to stay with me. Badly. I won't put in any euphemisms because that's how it is. You know I'm not pushing you away by writing this; you know I am making you understand that if ever you need to do something for yourself, I don't have to trouble you.

You know, don't you? You even know I need you the same way you need me.

I want to keep you for a lifetime. You won't allow that. I know. Maybe I can't allow that too, even if you did.

I am happy with what we are now. There could not be anything more, though. I have nothing more to offer. Everything I am is now yours.

If I could give more, force even a little feeble drop of more out of me, it would be yours.

Expect that tomorrow, the next day and the days after it, I would be counting those waking moments you spent in my arms. Why? So that if ever you go, I'd smile instead of cry every time I remember you.

Which would be probably most of the day.

If ever I would be sorry, it would be about the fact that I never followed most of the things you tell me. I caused you heartaches. I know.

There is nothing else to be sorry about. I would never be sorry I decided to stay.

I'll still love you even if you do it. It's hard not to do so. Push me down a cliff and that would still be the last thought on my mind.

You need not worry about me fending for myself in such a tasteless world. I've picked up a few tricks from you. You taught me a lot. You taught me how to give importance. You even taught me how to give you importance without meaning to.

I'm not regretful, though. I'm glad someone stayed long enough to teach me that.

Thank you. Whether you will leave or not, you deserve it. Thank you for being willing to intertwine your soul with an undeserving person like me.

It made me deserving; turned me into a person better respected, better understood, better loved. You were the one responsible. Thank you.

I sent you a poem once. I said I was envious for not being the one who wrote it. Yet Neruda did not say one thing, which I will: I would love your feet even if they're already walking away from me.

If one day you think you want to be set free, tell me. I'll be prepared. Or, if I wasn't, I'll . . . well, let's just suppose I'll be prepared. Okay?

If that one day comes, don't worry. Tears run dry.

At least I'll be able to test that one little theory.

Two things are happening. One is, Mingming has been gone for five days already, and I miss her terribly. Two, Mntc [mama ni te chai] is arriving from Saudi Arabia to Manila tomorrow afternoon.

One, happiness for the meantime is gone.

Two, freedom is going as well.

Dish ish Pikay.I just assumed you'd like to hear something about this cat whom I often type about in my blog. Well. Pikay was born in our house in Calabanga the summer I was going to college, and she's the daughter of my favorite, now-missing big cat Icarus with an ugly black slut (I mean cat).


Pikay had two siblings, both who died of young age (one's tiger-striped black, other's orange). She also has one half-sister by her mom the ugly black slut, a tiger-striped black cat with white feet, who's going to be a mom too.

Le kitty Pikay was formerly called Tikoy because we thought she was muy guapo - a boy. Chai Chai and I thought she looked like a moldy white tikoy, so we named her so.

Imagine our surprise when we brought her here in Arana to be a mouse-catcher, and months later she started yowling and meowing like someone possessed by the devil. Mama declared that she's making kirag already. (Sorry for the term.) And we said, This cannot be! Tikoy has pitotoy so he's not supposed to be making landi! Lola Lola insisted Tikoy's a girl and even showed us proof - Pikay's spotted-black pikay. So okay, she's a girl! We had to move on over our compliments of Kitty being so guapo and all, and had to get used to knowing her as muy guapa.

We sent her outside everyday starting that week and that quieted the effin kitty. Few weeks later, we noticed she's preggy because she obviously did not use precautions. She has two boyfriends that usually stay outside our kitchen window; one's a gigantic fat gray cat with real small eyes and a mouth that looks frozen on a perpetual kitty grin, the other is a tiger-striped black one with white spots. So we actually don't know who's the one Pikay made pikot.

I told Nagj that Tikoy, whom she was especially scared of, is actually a girl. So she named her Pikay, in honor of the kitty's newly-discovered sexuality. If pikoy is for guys, why not pikay for the gals? Now you know the etymology of Pikay's breathtaking name.

She's not so kengot back then. You'll notice she's quite small and white in the photos. Her nose is damned clean too. But now she's got this big smudge on her nose, she loves rolling in our charcoal sacks so she's not-quite-white, she's pregnant out of wedlock, and she's lame on the right front foot - her paw's totally bent, with a large red something swelling out of it. Any vets out there?

Anyway, that's the pretty history of me kitty who loves sleeping with us on our red sofa and who seem to never get enough of Nagj when she sleeps over. Heehee.


*Update. Nalaglagan si Pikay! Malandi kasi. Huhu. :(


This is me second and much much more beloved kitty - tadaaah! Me Mingming!


Okay, she doesn't walk on all fours. But my term of endearment for her rooted from my love of cats. She calls me Niawniaw, respectively. Lucky for me, I don't have any photos showing me trying to climb a wall though. :D

Much has been said in this blog about this kitty. But the thing is, if Chai Chai and I has joint custody of Pikay, this one's all mine. :)


Meh. I suddenly missed Kitty No.2. *sigh*

Labels: mingming ko, pikay

Suddenly - in the blink of an eye, a spur of the moment - I realized I could sacrifice anything, everything to please you.

Labels: mingming ko

Sunday last week - 16th of August - was our 11th monthsary.

I shall keep the day's events in here just for the fun of reliving it:

I woke up early in the morning, made coffee, and there she was - washed, toothbrushed and everything - knocking on our screen. We greeted each other happy monthsary, and she brought me breakfast - Gardenia, cheese, mayo, and my favorite ham! She made sandwiches for me while I gulped hungrily.

I have originally planned to surprise her by going to church early. However, when we finished eating, Khrisna (who was celebrating her birthday that day - I chose to be with Mingming instead) texted me to arrange the meeting place and hour. I made some comment which offended her; she sulked while I prepared myself, and around nine - the time we were supposed to be in church - she was asleep on our sofa, with our cat Pikay peering curiously at her.



I shooed the cat away, woke her up gently (how I did that, just guess) and explained what I meant by the comment earlier. She gradually forgot her anger, and we waited for ten o'clock, the next mass, while cuddling each other.

Ten. We went to mass at San Francisco. Then I bought the ingredients needed for the recipe I was about to make for her at Emall. Earlier I have decided to show her how I prepare the food I bring to her on some of our special events. She liked the idea; said it was better than me having to hide from her just to cook. Besides, she was also eager to help in cooking. We were scheduled to make tuna croquettes. We had a lot of fun shopping; she bought an Oreo too.



We returned to my apartment and left the groceries to have lunch at SM. We ate chicken burgers at Mcdo, bought marshmallows for us and some pastries for Lola Lola and Mama, and went to World of Fun for our scheduled videoke (a thing we found very enjoyable and amusing, and which we promised to do in our monthsaries). However, the booths in SM were filled, and we decided to move to Emall.

We dropped by the apartment first to leave the pastries to Lola Lola. Then we decided to make the croquettes that moment, after deliberating on where to make it (in our apartment or her boarding house). It took a long while to finish the croquettes, because they still had to be shaped into balls, and they took long to fry; still we had fun, despite Pikay's strutting about in the kitchen and trying once in a while to rub against Mingming's leg. (Mingming hates cats.) The dip was very good too. Lola and Mama were so amused over the whole procedure.


We packed some of the croquettes and proceeded to Emall. We had to wait long for a videoke booth but the wait was worth it; we had five songs each dedicated to each other, and laughed over each other's singing abilities. The last song's fun was cut short, though, when some people barged in and asked to jam with us.

To her boarding house for dinner. We bought some rice and ice, and suddenly we had ourselves a monthsary dinner. The croquettes were good, and I'm happy she also thought that way.

After dinner, some cuddling in her room. And the rest of the events, dear ladies and gentlemen, is not anymore for you to know. *big grin*


I am happy to see her happy. And I am happy that we are still in love.

Monthsaries just keep getting better and better.

Labels: mingming ko

The gods get jealous of too much happiness among humans. Jealous to the point that people are punished just for being too happy.

I must agree.


We'll have some real kids. Little Nagies and little Naxczses running around a big house belonging only to us. I'll spoil them rotten. You be the disciplinarian - you're good at that.

At least one of the kids would like a cat. We'll have to get a cat because their daddy loves cats. You won't have to feed them - just join me in taking the pet to the vet. I can almost imagine it, Kitty meowing in the backseat in envy while I drive with you beside me, holding my hand.

Then we'll get a babysitter to take care of them so that we'll have at least one day each week just for each other. We'll have to get a very old and wrinkled one or a very young and childish babysitter so you won't get jealous. I'll take you out to a real restaurant with all the reservations, or a McDonalds, or even just to our bedroom with a good movie and some good popcorn. And sometime into that movie I'll just grab you and cuddle you and murmur how irreplaceable you are in your ear.

And sometimes we'll have to visit the kids' grandparents or our family friends, and they'll see you haven't changed - still speaking loud, still sounding almost angry, still looking like someone about to be tossed into the boxing ring. And they'll wonder why we managed to be married to each other and loyal to each other this long despite that. I'll answer, she's got her faults, I've got mine; I loved her despite her faults, she did the same with me.

You always get those bouts of chest pains, and so I'll have to take care not to make you laugh too hard or stress you with the kids. And when it can't be avoided, I'll take you to the hospital and, on our way to a doctor's office, I'll pull you inside some random patient's room and kiss you right before everyone else.

We'll have breakfast parties where the only participants are you and me. I'll cook an egg-free breakfast to avoid your allergies. We'll sit by a swimming pool, you sipping milk and I sipping coffee, and I just might have the temptation to push you down the lawn and hug you until you break.

We'll argue because you love asking questions. I hate answering them. But somewhere during the course of the argument and crying and everything, I'll stare at you and lift you up in my arms and sing love songs while kissing the tears on your cheeks.

And you'll ask, how did we ever end up being so lucky with each other? I'll answer, I don't know, really. But mind if I just tell you in the next life, when we're both cats?

Happiness. Which the gods envy me, and which they would take away before long.


The right time and the right place, but not the right person. That's why happiness, before it reaches bliss, runs away.

Labels: mingming ko

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NAXCZ. the [self-proclaimed] writer. [trying-hard] blogger. [almost, not quite] fashionista. [not a fucking] conyo. [anti] emo. [dying to be a] rockstar. [sincere] lover. everything [nasty] you could ever ask for.


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all these years
i never really knew what love is
until i found you, i found you.

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