i write sins, plus tragedies.

formspring.me

2011-05-17T20:49:00.001+08:00

Ask away so I can amuse the heck out of you. :) http://formspring.me/naxczmachine

formspring.me

2010-05-30T19:00:00.001+08:00

Ask away so I can amuse the heck out of you. :) http://formspring.me/naxczmachine

formspring.me

2010-05-04T12:31:00.001+08:00

Ask away so I can amuse the heck out of you. :) http://formspring.me/naxczmachine

2009-12-21T18:40:00.006+08:00

These photos make me smile everytime I remember where and when they were taken.

Of course, there are a whole lot of photos with them that also make me happy. But well, these are the ones that convince me that my trip to Ligao wasn't just some surreal figment of my imagination. Maybe because for one, I had real people around me in those photos. And I guess I really touched that nun statue, posed in that coconut trunk, felt the cold wind about to take my cap off, and ate that dinurado puto because these people - Nico, John, Cha, and Mingming - can attest to that if need be.

When You Find That Once Again, You Long To Take Your Heart Back And Be Free - If You Ever Find A Moment, Spare A Thought For Me.

2009-11-02T23:47:00.006+08:00

You just do whatever you think of doing.

Go on. I don't want to stop you from doing things that please you the most.
I don't want to restrain you from being you.

I don't want you to think you shouldn't go because I need you. Yes, I do. But please. Don't trouble yourself on my account.

I want you to be happy. If you can't do that with me, I understand. Yet while you're still staying, let me do everything I could for you. Just allow me. Maybe you'd change your mind.

And if you don't, well . . . no hard feelings. I daresay it would be about time for you to decide this way. I've hindered a normal college life for you long enough. Hindered a normal feminine life for you long enough.

I didn't mean to keep you for so long. I became selfish. I'm sorry for leading you on into something which, you once said, was a very wrong thing from the very start.

If anything, I want you to stay with me. Badly. I won't put in any euphemisms because that's how it is. You know I'm not pushing you away by writing this; you know I am making you understand that if ever you need to do something for yourself, I don't have to trouble you.

You know, don't you? You even know I need you the same way you need me.

I want to keep you for a lifetime. You won't allow that. I know. Maybe I can't allow that too, even if you did.

I am happy with what we are now. There could not be anything more, though. I have nothing more to offer. Everything I am is now yours.

If I could give more, force even a little feeble drop of more out of me, it would be yours.

Expect that tomorrow, the next day and the days after it, I would be counting those waking moments you spent in my arms. Why? So that if ever you go, I'd smile instead of cry every time I remember you.

Which would be probably most of the day.

If ever I would be sorry, it would be about the fact that I never followed most of the things you tell me. I caused you heartaches. I know.

There is nothing else to be sorry about. I would never be sorry I decided to stay.

I'll still love you even if you do it. It's hard not to do so. Push me down a cliff and that would still be the last thought on my mind.

You need not worry about me fending for myself in such a tasteless world. I've picked up a few tricks from you. You taught me a lot. You taught me how to give importance. You even taught me how to give you importance without meaning to.

I'm not regretful, though. I'm glad someone stayed long enough to teach me that.

Thank you. Whether you will leave or not, you deserve it. Thank you for being willing to intertwine your soul with an undeserving person like me.

It made me deserving; turned me into a person better respected, better understood, better loved. You were the one responsible. Thank you.

I sent you a poem once. I said I was envious for not being the one who wrote it. Yet Neruda did not say one thing, which I will: I would love your feet even if they're already walking away from me.

If one day you think you want to be set free, tell me. I'll be prepared. Or, if I wasn't, I'll . . . well, let's just suppose I'll be prepared. Okay?

If that one day comes, don't worry. Tears run dry.

At least I'll be able to test that one little theory.

Waiting In Dread.

2009-10-22T20:50:00.002+08:00

Two things are happening. One is, Mingming has been gone for five days already, and I miss her terribly. Two, Mntc [mama ni te chai] is arriving from Saudi Arabia to Manila tomorrow afternoon.

One, happiness for the meantime is gone.

Two, freedom is going as well.

I Lost Pride.

2009-08-25T18:25:00.001+08:00

Suddenly - in the blink of an eye, a spur of the moment - I realized I could sacrifice anything, everything to please you.

Baby You're The Superstar, You Know I'll Always Be Your Paparazzi.

2009-08-21T16:16:00.016+08:00

Sunday last week - 16th of August - was our 11th monthsary.

I shall keep the day's events in here just for the fun of reliving it:

I woke up early in the morning, made coffee, and there she was - washed, toothbrushed and everything - knocking on our screen. We greeted each other happy monthsary, and she brought me breakfast - Gardenia, cheese, mayo, and my favorite ham! She made sandwiches for me while I gulped hungrily.

I have originally planned to surprise her by going to church early. However, when we finished eating, Khrisna (who was celebrating her birthday that day - I chose to be with Mingming instead) texted me to arrange the meeting place and hour. I made some comment which offended her; she sulked while I prepared myself, and around nine - the time we were supposed to be in church - she was asleep on our sofa, with our cat Pikay peering curiously at her.

Mingming when asleep. That's a different day, though.

Pikay, previously named Tikoy. She's not the one wearing the wristwatch, obviously. =)

I shooed the cat away, woke her up gently (how I did that, just guess) and explained what I meant by the comment earlier. She gradually forgot her anger, and we waited for ten o'clock, the next mass, while cuddling each other.

Ten. We went to mass at San Francisco. Then I bought the ingredients needed for the recipe I was about to make for her at Emall. Earlier I have decided to show her how I prepare the food I bring to her on some of our special events. She liked the idea; said it was better than me having to hide from her just to cook. Besides, she was also eager to help in cooking. We were scheduled to make tuna croquettes. We had a lot of fun shopping; she bought an Oreo too.

We returned to my apartment and left the groceries to have lunch at SM. We ate chicken burgers at Mcdo, bought marshmallows for us and some pastries for Lola Lola and Mama, and went to World of Fun for our scheduled videoke (a thing we found very enjoyable and amusing, and which we promised to do in our monthsaries). However, the booths in SM were filled, and we decided to move to Emall.

We dropped by the apartment first to leave the pastries to Lola Lola. Then we decided to make the croquettes that moment, after deliberating on where to make it (in our apartment or her boarding house). It took a long while to finish the croquettes, because they still had to be shaped into balls, and they took long to fry; still we had fun, despite Pikay's strutting about in the kitchen and trying once in a while to rub against Mingming's leg. (Mingming hates cats.) The dip was very good too. Lola and Mama were so amused over the whole procedure.

These aren't exactly what our result was, but they'll do. Looks good, ayt?

We packed some of the croquettes and proceeded to Emall. We had to wait long for a videoke booth but the wait was worth it; we had five songs each dedicated to each other, and laughed over each other's singing abilities. The last song's fun was cut short, though, when some people barged in and asked to jam with us.

To her boarding house for dinner. We bought some rice and ice, and suddenly we had ourselves a monthsary dinner. The croquettes were good, and I'm happy she also thought that way.

After dinner, some cuddling in her room. And the rest of the events, dear ladies and gentlemen, is not anymore for you to know. *big grin*

-----

I am happy to see her happy. And I am happy that we are still in love.

Monthsaries just keep getting better and better.

This was actually last May 16 - my birthday, and our 8th monthsary.

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We've Never Been Apart, But Now You're Drifting - Further Away, Further Away From Me.

2009-08-11T22:50:00.007+08:00

The gods get jealous of too much happiness among humans. Jealous to the point that people are punished just for being too happy.

I must agree.

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We'll have some real kids. Little Nagies and little Naxczses running around a big house belonging only to us. I'll spoil them rotten. You be the disciplinarian - you're good at that.

At least one of the kids would like a cat. We'll have to get a cat because their daddy loves cats. You won't have to feed them - just join me in taking the pet to the vet. I can almost imagine it, Kitty meowing in the backseat in envy while I drive with you beside me, holding my hand.

Then we'll get a babysitter to take care of them so that we'll have at least one day each week just for each other. We'll have to get a very old and wrinkled one or a very young and childish babysitter so you won't get jealous. I'll take you out to a real restaurant with all the reservations, or a McDonalds, or even just to our bedroom with a good movie and some good popcorn. And sometime into that movie I'll just grab you and cuddle you and murmur how irreplaceable you are in your ear.

And sometimes we'll have to visit the kids' grandparents or our family friends, and they'll see you haven't changed - still speaking loud, still sounding almost angry, still looking like someone about to be tossed into the boxing ring. And they'll wonder why we managed to be married to each other and loyal to each other this long despite that. I'll answer, she's got her faults, I've got mine; I loved her despite her faults, she did the same with me.

You always get those bouts of chest pains, and so I'll have to take care not to make you laugh too hard or stress you with the kids. And when it can't be avoided, I'll take you to the hospital and, on our way to a doctor's office, I'll pull you inside some random patient's room and kiss you right before everyone else.

We'll have breakfast parties where the only participants are you and me. I'll cook an egg-free breakfast to avoid your allergies. We'll sit by a swimming pool, you sipping milk and I sipping coffee, and I just might have the temptation to push you down the lawn and hug you until you break.

We'll argue because you love asking questions. I hate answering them. But somewhere during the course of the argument and crying and everything, I'll stare at you and lift you up in my arms and sing love songs while kissing the tears on your cheeks.

And you'll ask, how did we ever end up being so lucky with each other? I'll answer, I don't know, really. But mind if I just tell you in the next life, when we're both cats?

Happiness. Which the gods envy me, and which they would take away before long.

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The right time and the right place, but not the right person. That's why happiness, before it reaches bliss, runs away.

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Life Could Never Have Been More Miserable.

2009-08-09T22:55:00.002+08:00

It's surprising how someone at least five time zones away can still make you damned angry.

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The conversation between me and my supposed-to-be-mother-but-not-acting-like it, just today. It's about us moving back to Calabanga. 'Mingniawprods' is me.

maryambplopinio: Bakit,magkano ba ang pamasahe from Calabanga to ateneo?Jan na lng yan ke Chayong ang pc na yan kng makaka stay sya sa Naga.Hindi rin ako believe sa mga late nite activities na yan.That is exactly the reason why you have to go home to Quipayo to avoid these late nyt activities.Me mga taong nag aalala sau pag di ka pa umuuwi.and what is this nonsense na ayaw mong mahiwalay sa ate mo?Ni hindi nga kayo nag uusap?Kung nag uusap kayo,di sana na avoid nyo pareho na magalit ako ng ganito.Sana naisip nyo kng anong nararamdaman ko dito na mg tetext lng kayo ng monthly allowance nyo.And look at this now,since when did she started her duty?nasabi ba nya yan sa akin na "mommy start na ng duty ko tomoro"Or at least tell me what happened sa 1st day ng duty nya?Pareho lng kayong dalwa.
maryambplopinio: KUng talagang mgkaclose kau,u wud look out for each other,you wudnt let each other make mistakes or let people down, or hurt the very people that supports you.

mingniawprods: pmasahe po mga around 60.ska ngttxt nmn po ako kna tita salve pg l8 n ako umuuwi.wla nmn po kcng bnabanggit c ate chai tungkol sainyo pg mgksama kmi.we're closer dn u actuali realize..mtgal n po xa ngduduty.
maryambplopinio: Pag di pa yan nakipag usap sa akin c Chayong,sabay na kayong uuwi sa Quipayo at wala nang mag e estay jan sa Naga.or mas mabuti cguro kng tumigil na lng cya sa pag aaral

mingniawprods: wla po sya ngaun.mga 7 am p po xa drating

maryambplopinio: matagal na cya nag duduty and i dont know anything about it .kelan pa.Saang hospital,saang ward?

mingniawprods: mga lastwik p po.dun dw po sa mga nanganganak

maryambplopinio: Gaano kau ka close?and you think just talking about guys make you think u r close ?ang babaw mo talaga ,Essang
maryambplopinio: Ok, sa OB yun.At kelan nya daw cnabi yan sa akin?

mingniawprods: hnd nmn po un ang pnag-uusapan nmin..ni wla nga po akong interes jan,bakit yn ang pg-uusapan nmin?now dt hurt,mommy.u think i'm dt shallow?

maryambplopinio: That?

mingniawprods: lagi nmn po syang ngcocomputer kya akala ko po nasabi nya n

maryambplopinio: And Im sure nasabi nya sau na di cya nag tetext sakin at kung bakit dahil kung hindi i dont think na meron kaung pinag uusapan na constructive para sa isat isa that will tell that u r that close.

mingniawprods: bkt po b kc msyado kaung judgmental?u say dt kc d nyo nmn po kmi nkikita
mingniawprods: wla po xang cnasabi qng ngttxt sya or hndi,pro i dont think yun lng nmn po ang constructive n pwd nmn pgusapan

maryambplopinio: Di ko kau nakikita at di ko rin kau makausap dahil sobra kau ka bc?
mingniawprods: naghahanap nnmn po kau ng dahilan.ang pnag-uusapan po d2 is hindi nyo kami nkikita kc wla nmn po kau d2 and late n po kmi ngkakausap pgkauwi nmin from skul
maryambplopinio: So look where those "constructive "things u r talking about get you to.I cant get the both of u grounded and this is the best i can do to let you know how hurt i am for being taken for granted for a long time.
maryambplopinio: At hindi ako nag hahanap ng dahilan anong akala mo sa kin ,baliw?

mingniawprods: mommy,ano b.ikw nmn po kc,lgi kng glit.u always manage 2 find a reason 4 evrything dt makes us look like we're not even taking care of each other
mingniawprods: un n nga lng po ang ngagawa ko 4 ate chai - ang kausapin sya kc ds tym e wla nqng kaalam alam sa course nya and i cant help her w/coursework.wla nqng mggwa pra ky kuya bokyo kya i dont try 2 be estranged sa tanging kapatid ko nalang n nkakausap ng matino.and you doubt dt?i think you doubt evrything,mommy.u even doubt dt i love u and im trying my best to pacify u

maryambplopinio: Naalala mo nung umuwi ako.sinbi ko na sainyo na mag tetext kau lagi at least once a week.nangyari ba?hindi.so what did i do.tinaggal ko ung pantext nyo para maramdaman nyo na mali ang ginagawa nyo and you have to do better.But what did you do,lalo na kaung di nag text? so bumili ako ng eload para mag chachat na lng tau.What did you do?Wala.naghintay lng ako sa wala 2 wks ako and that was when i deceide na tama na ang sobra sobrang pagmamahal

mingniawprods: anong magagawa ko f cna ate chai or kuya lgi ang nsa internet?pgsabihan ko.and qng d po nla gwin,i dont think i can ever force them.bihira nga po akong mginternet kc meron kming computer subj sa school and sa pillars.and im sorry f i didnt tell u n lging nkaonline ung cp ko even if im not.i stil tried my best n itxt k ryt aftr u left,once a wik.i was even pretty consistent about it kc i know u'd b pissed off if it didnt happen.and nung nkalimutan ni ate chai mgtxt ng holy wik,wla n.u took away d load.now nwla ung cp ko and evrytime i log on d internet i try 2 answer ur questions kht p mnsn nkakasakit nrn po ang cnasabi nyo

maryambplopinio: At wag mong sabihin na dahil wala kang pera? yan pa ang grabeng kinkagalit ko sa inyo.di kau marunong gumawa ng paraan para masolve ang mga ganyang problema.Dapat ko bang isa isahin ang mga steps para masolve yan?1.pumunta ka ke ate Nor.2.Sabihin mo sa kanya na kelangan mo ang pang computer.3 pumunta ka ke tita Salve.4.sabihinmo sa kanya na kelangan mo ng pang computer.5.mg tira ka ng kahit beinte sa allowance mo para maka tawag ka sa akin at makahingi ka ng pang computer.

mingniawprods: yan nga po baga ang gnawa ko?kht wla npo ung pngload ngtry prn ako mgtxt.d q n nga lng po ngawa n consistent evry wik,more like evry two wiks

maryambplopinio: Ok,nag umpisa ka lng mag chat ng mag chat Essang,nung pinapauwi na kita sa Quipayo.When u realized that i was rocking ur boat

mingniawprods: akala ko po ba pgboard ni ate chai ang pnag-uusapan dito.ngsorry npo ako sainyo about sa txt txt n yn,mommy.and i'l say it again.SORRY.kya po kau glit lagi kc you dont know how to move on and forgive.you always remind urself of our mistakes.kahit p ngsorry n kmi and evrything.u hurt urself more coz of dt

maryambplopinio: At hindi ako laging nagagagalit ng walang dahilan.kung lagi lang sana taung nag uusap di sana di dumdating sa punto na inis na inis na ako sa inyo at saka pa lng kau mg tetext.

mingniawprods: fine.u wer rockin my boat.but i hope u find solace in d fact dt i ws hapi wn u started havin ur own email address and cnbi ni atre chai n pwd kna mkachat

maryambplopinio: Im on duty Essang kaya paputol putol

mingniawprods: kea nga po..sorry.isnt that enuf?u really want to punish us?ok.if u do dt,we learn d lesson.and then ano?we'll be resentful of u.un po b ang gs2 mo mngyri?kc ayoko pong dumating p sa gnon.i've learned wt ur trying to say now.u dont have to make threats.for god's sake,ur my mother.i dont want u estranged from me.ok?

maryambplopinio: Im sure ure sorry Essang.And who's threatening here.it sounds more like you are threatening me with that resentment u r talking about.
mingniawprods: no,im just telling u how i wud fil
mingniawprods: and i can tell u dt's how ate chai or even kuya bokyo wud fil as wel

maryambplopinio: Why dont u try that set up for a while and well see what happens.I really think u will learn more things about resentment after a while.and maybe you will know that resentment like hatred and all negative feelings can travel both ways. and if this is how you all feel now,so be it .and let me tell you too that i resent this.that is exactly what i was trying so hard to tell u,Essang i had been so uncomfortable already.And im glad that u finally said it.Im done with all of u.masyado kayong napagbigyan kaya ngaung ayaw ko nang mg bigay sa mga gusto nyo,u will resent me? and you think,i shud shiver in fear about that?Tell them to tell this in my face too,ok.

mingniawprods: so u've been waiting for me to say it?oh.nice
mingniawprods: i can try it,ok.but what scares me is that it wont be just for 'a while'.

maryambplopinio: So what are u trying to say Essang?Exactly what is that thing that wudnt last for a while,your resentment?u think you will resent me for the rest of your life?

mingniawprods: i mean staying in quipayo.ur jumpin 2 conclusions again

maryambplopinio: Good.U have to be very clear now Essang becoz as u see i dont trust you to say or do the right things anymore. and u r right ,i myself dont know why i cant shake off my anger for that "text stuff".Maybe becoz That is all that matters while i am here in Saudi.Maybe becoz that was all that i ask all of you to do and u let me down.

mingniawprods: i think it's because u think dt once u forget ur anger over dt txt stuff,ur worried dt we'l do d same thing all over again

maryambplopinio: And now because u will all be going home to Quipayo, you resent me now?So what will u do to me if i let u all stop schooling?
maryambplopinio: That's right Essang.Finally,u got it riight

mingniawprods: i can't help it,ok.just like d way u can't shake off ur anger over d txt stuff.but as usual,i cant do anything about it..im just ur daughter.i;m not supposed to know anything

maryambplopinio: And i dont know when will u ever learn.

mingniawprods: ive learned it all already wn u last returned here.i wish my siblings learned it too

maryambplopinio: Anyway,u r just 1/3rd of what is making me angry.and u r right.i also dont know what i will do with ur kuya Bokyo but pray that some good things will still come out of his miserable life.
What exactly did u learn.Essang.just to know what we both are talking about?

mingniawprods: cant do anything about him anyway but pray.and i cant do anything about u but 2 follow wat u say.ur my mother and that's what's required of me.pero i still wish u change ur mind about d boarding stuff
mingniawprods: 1.dont fail to keep in touch w/u
mingniawprods: 2.always remind ate chai and kuya they're also supposed to do that
mingniawprods: 3.keep u updated with evrything happenin in d house

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I don't know why she can never see things the way I do. After all, she's supposed to be my mother.

And I just wish it wasn't that way. Life could have been much better.

Parang Ayaw Nya Na Ata.

2009-08-06T23:26:00.002+08:00

It may be hard to understand, but to me, making you believe what I'm saying is everything.

It's not just a power trip. It's blind concern to the point that I'd feed you first before wiping your tears.

Which, for your information, leads to overpowering, blind love.

Ninoy Fell In Love With The Same Woman Three Times - She Was Worth It, And More.

2009-08-05T18:58:00.006+08:00

I salute former President Cory Aquino.

I may not have spoken my tributes at her funeral today, but I am sure that I am not alone in bidding farewell to a woman who dedicated her life into the belief that the Filipinos are worth living, if not dying, for.

She was at the peak of her life in a time when democracy is everything. When every man saw her and her husband as the only hope of escaping a life of political bondage. When activists are not frowned upon, but commended as people who had the welfare of the country first in their minds. I envy her for that.

And I am sure I am not alone in admiring the wisdom and patriotism that shone through her very being. Patriotism like that is rarely seen these days in the political scene - and my only lament is that she did not live long enough to make every politician follow her example.

But in her departure, I believe she has done more than enough.

There are still people who share your philosophy about the Filipinos, Madam Aquino. Hopefully, that fact will be enough for you to rest your heart in peace.

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You Were The Last Good Thing Upon This Part Of Town.

2009-08-05T14:29:00.006+08:00

If I had some cardiovascular ailment, I would've gotten a grand mal heart attack over the profile of this person who just viewed my Friendster profile. Want a shock? Get it here:

http://www.friendster.com/photos/63808164/1/667261757

It's not a beautiful sight, but I'm posting it here for a laugh. How - or why - she viewed my profile, I don't have the least idea. Believe me, I am innocent. :)

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Shocked? Let's calm you down. I present you . . . tada! Sex in the 21st century.

I found it somewhere in the Net, with a post commenting on the rampant texting in the world today. [Sadly, I forgot to copy the url. Stupid me.] I must agree with that blogger, though, on his views about the negative effects texting has on everyday existence and learning.

People forget how to be polite in conversations by texting while talking to someone.

People forget correct grammar and spelling because of too much saving of characters in SMS. My sister thought that the spelling of 'tuition' is actually 'tuixon' because that's the way she spells it in text. And that coming from a third-year college student! Can you imagine?

People spend their leisure time texting instead of reading, which is obviously more informative.

Some people even find bed partners by text - instead of luring women to bed with chocolates and flowers. Or better yet, with cucumber, baby powder, pumpkin pie and lavender. [Weird combination, eh? But these things really stimulate arousal - check it out here.]

So I won't be surprised if the 'I love your big tits!', 'your hair's ticklish!', 'ooh!', 'ahhh!', 'oh yes, I'm coming!', 'fuck me more, bebe!', and other cliche lines we love to hear in porn movies would be said by text. Babymaking has never been this interactive! [Or I mean, as long as both participants have cellphone load.]

And maybe, once the baby comes out, people would love to christen him/her as Vincnt, Roxn, Jasmn, Ptrcia, or Justn. Very convenient, as they're text versions that would save load and a whole lot of time in typing.

Ah, the wonders of texting.

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*Or, I am bitter over the recent loss of my cellphone. LOL.*

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I was planning to blog today not because to have some laughs, but to commemorate the departure of Cory Aquino. Now I realize it would be very improper to put her in a post together with sexually-stimulating photos. I can hardly believe I almost committed such a sacrilege.

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Where Were You When Everything Was Falling Apart?

2009-07-31T22:13:00.006+08:00

July - my unlucky month - apparently wasn't content to end without a BANG.

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Last month, I lost my cellphone.

I managed to have my pouch snatched - with my house keys and USB's along.

I had a fever that knocked me out for a day and a half, and gained me absents in three subjects.

Bad luck comes in threes. But then, there were also a lot of little misfortunes I haven't told you about.

And - oh! There was a fourth one.

Nagj lost her cellphone. In her own boarding house.

And that day? It was July 31. That bang we've all been waiting for.

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Apparently, the bad luck, once it's started, just won't stop.

Today, because of my brother and sister's stupidities in life, their mother who happened to have some bearing in my existence by being my mother suddenly decided to move back to our house in Quipayo.

What the hell?

And her reason? Because my brother has graduated, because we were rarely online when she is to chat, because we are not texting her (how can I, with a newly-lost cellphone?), because Ate Chai comes home late, and a million other things.

Unfair. As Nagj said, false, twisted, artificial judgment.

I am not going back to that moldy haunted house light years away from civilization and live there again. Life should be improving, not going back to zero once in a while. This is unfair.

And that person supposed to be my mother orchestrated all of it - she, who should have been listening to all our whining, solving our problems, make us avoid that homeless feeling when our father left us. She, who instead of doing just that, threw us away to be taken care of househelps all our lives.

How can she think she still has the right to turn us against each other - when she isn't even here to fix the family gaps that happily separates us?

She's there. In Saudi Arabia. With her third husband and with the power of being our source of living, she wields Mommy-authority and money that can supposedly stop you from going to school and make you bow down on your knees to beg for her mercy.

Why can't she see that we're past that phase of being patient with static-bloated words in cellphones, luggages reeking of airplane aircon, and thick wads of Saudi riyals?

We stopped being young and being fooled by her shouting-contest calls and imported chocolates over the years she was gone.

I guess she never really realized that.

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A Sun That Shines On Only One.

2009-07-25T00:42:00.002+08:00

Masaya ako na nagtanong ka tungkol sa kanya.

Hindi dahil sa narsisa ako o ano,

Gusto kong ipaintindi sayo,
sa kada tanong na sinasagot ko,

na malayu-layo na tayo sa kung anuman kami dati.

Milya-milya,
parang pinagdugtong-dugtong na antenna ng lahat ng ipis sa mundong ibabaw at ilalim.

Malayu-layo. Diba?

-----

Isang araw babalik ka rito
magbabasa ng peryodiko ng iyong buhay na sinulat ng iba.

Para kang ginagawan ng biography. Maswerte ka.

na sa maliit mong buhay,
may mas maliit pang tao sa ilalim mo na nakakuha ng napakalaking inspirasyon
sa iyong kaliitan.

Matatawa ka na lang sa mga kalokohan natin.

Pero sana, sa araw na iyon, andito pa rin ang 'tayo' -
gumagawa pa ng mas maraming kalokohan. Diba?

-----

Ang sarap isipin na akin lang ang iyong ilaw.

Na sa kasalukuyan, akin lang muna

(siguro pansamantala)

(pero sana panghabambuhay na,)

ang araw.

-----

Watermelon, Papaya, Saging.

2009-07-20T21:31:00.003+08:00

Has nobody ever realized the naughty meaning of the Fruit Salad song?

Watermelon (2x)
Papaya (2x)
Saging (3x) Saging (3x)
Fruit Salad (2x)

It's the greenest children song I've ever heard [particularly because fruits are involved]. Or maybe I got overdosed by the Tutti Fruity edition of FHM - I mean the one with Maui, Katya and Andrea del Rosario covering their assets with the said fruits. Heehee.

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I have to tell you about our department's acquaintance party at Villa Caceres last Saturday, because that's where my flu and everything else started.

Okay. All I remember was it was a white-attire affair, we paid P150, and I came only through Nagj, the ultimate social kitty, and her intervention [in short, she nagged/bribed me to come]. She lent me this nice white blouse to wear. And boy, the event was unexpectedly nice. We never had to talk to strangers, the chicken was good [the food was not enough for me, though], and Metanoia played, with that Fruit Salad song as opening. I had to laugh, it sounded really cute with all the drums and bass and all.

Nagj had her hair cut the same day too, in a salon that Erickson's relatives own. Her hair is kinda shorter now, but I still love it - I don't really care whatever hairstyle she has as long as she's happy with it. Anyway, there in that salon, Jill [Nagj's roommate] and I started reading some FHM's that was sitting around for reading, and there I got hold of that Tutti Fruity issue.

We were laughing within minutes at the contents, of course. Jill especially loved the Ladies' Confessions part, which detailed subscribers' sexual escapades. But we laughed even harder when I came across the Tutti Fruity pics of Andrea and Katya and Maui - especially those focused on their genitals covered by fruits.

Jill : [at a photo of Katya's pechay covered by a halved papaya] Hahaha!
Me : Malala! Hahaha! [at a photo of Andrea's butt cleavage covered with a slice of watermelon] Bwahaha!
Jill : [at a photo of Maui seated at a chair with her back turned to us, holding a long peeled banana to her ass] Ay shet! Nyahaha!

*enough blasphemy. I'm getting the coughs.*
*ayan, Rica, ni-edit ko na!*

-----

Everything Is My Fault, I'll Take All The Blame.

2009-07-12T21:54:00.005+08:00

Kakabit ko ba talaga ang malas ngayong buwan na 'to or what?

Past nine ngayong gabi, habang naglalakad ako sa madilim na kanto ng Willprint (Ateneo Ave) ng mag-isa, may bigla na lang humatak sa bag ko na dalawang lalaking naka-mask and nakamotor. Action, ano? Gasgas na kung tutuusin. Hindi man lang nagbago ng modus operandi. Tsk, tsk.

Nasadsad sa gutter ang motor sa sobrang pagmamadaling lumiko. Pinalo ko ung mama sa likod nung payong ko, tanging bagay na hawak ko pwera sa plastic ng takeout na Pizza Hut. Walang nagyari. Nakalmot ako, naputol ang payong, natalsikan ako ng putik nung nakaandar ang motor paalis.

Kala ko nga, joke lang e.

Ung akala ko, kakilala ko lang, nakita akong naglalakad and natripang hatakin ung bag ko. Hindi pala. Sana, tulad na lang nung post ni Rica sa pagkawala nya ng cp nya, ano? Nawala lang. Di nya na alam. Di sana, walang suspense. Hindi nadagdagan ng stress ang dapat sana'y tahimik kong pamumuhay.

-----

Bakit ganon? Ang saya-saya ko pa naman bago nangyari yun - nag-iisip ng simple kong buhay. Masaya ako. Kahit nawala yung cellphone ko, andyan naman si Nagj at kaka-date lang namin. Kumain ako ng masarap na pagkain, meron akong pera. Wala kong problema sa eskwela. May trabaho ako. Nagsisimba na ko ulit. Masaya sina Mama kay Nagj. Mahal ako ng mahal ko.

Siguro, bawal nga talaga yung maging masyadong masaya. Hay.

-----

Nanakawan na ko dati, third year. Practice namin ng basketball para sa intrams. Gabi na, galing ako sa fire station, naglalakad sa Magsaysay, solo. Parehong-pareho din ng gabing to - malamig, konting ambon, basa ang kalsada, rumaragasa ang mga sasakyan sa katabing daan. Ang kinaibahan, may nabawi pa ko. Nanlalaban talaga ko e, makulit talaga. Tinutukan ako nun ng kutsilyo ng lalaking mababa lang, naka-bandannang pula. Binigay ko cellphone at wallet ko, pinasok nya sa bag, pinabayaang bukas. Pero ang tanga, nadapa nung kakatakbo. Takbo din ako, umiilaw pa ung cellphone ko sa loob ng bag, hinablot ko na. Tawid ako sa kabilang sidewalk ng walang lingon-lingon. Tumakbo na lang sya paalis.

Hindi nga lang umubra ang powers ko ngayon. Nagtaekwondo ako dati at nag-kakarate sa PE ngayon. Anong nangyari? Bakit di ko ginamit?

Siguro hindi talaga ko natuto dun sa unang nakawang nangyari. Gabi pa rin ako kung umuwi, mahilig pa ring maglakad sa madidilim na eskinita ng mag-isa. Tanga. Boba. Sige. Ulitin nyo lang.

Hindi ko kinuwento kina Mama ang parehong insidente. Kay Ate Chai lang lagi. Mabait ang kapatid ko, naisip ko kanina habang kinukwento ko. Nanginginig yung kamay ko pagkadating-dating ko ng bahay; hinawakan nya pareho, nakinig, walang sinabing kahit anong naninisi. Sabihin ko raw na nawala ko yung mga susi sa bahay, papalitan ko na lang daw ang mga kandado.

-----

Ang laman ng naturang bag (na regalo ni Dad nung nakaraang Pasko, Bench) :

-Duplicate keys ni Nagj sa boarding house (w/sentimental keychain)
-Duplicate keys sa apartment (w/sentimental keychain)
-2 usb ko (1gb & 4gb)
-2 blank CD-Rw
-kalahating Penshoppe spray
-Lacoste roll-on cologne
-P70
-extremely important bookmark from Nagj

Buti na lang wala dun ang ID ko. Buti na lang, hindi ko dun nilagay lahat ng allowance ko. Dapat di ko na pinalo, nabali tuloy ang kauna-unahang payong na binili ko ng sarili kong pera. Buti na lang, sana ganito na lang, dapat ito ginawa ko, etc. etc. Yun ang ayoko e, ung what-ifs.

Sabi ni Ate Chai, habang ngumangawa ako pagbukas ng PC, wag ko na raw iyakan. Kaya naman daw mabawi yung lahat. Material things lang daw. Sabi ko, alam ko. Alam ko naman yun. Pero masarap sa pakiramdam umiyak. Ewan ko ba.

Naghihinayang lang ako sa bookmark, tapos sa susi. Ok lang ung mga USB, may virus naman yun pareho na di matanggal-tanggal. Wala akong cellphone (na nawala lang the past week) kaya buti na lang.

Nakakahinayang rin na di ko masabi-sabi kina Mama ang nangyari. Inisip nilang tatanga-tanga talaga ko kaya nawala ko yung susi. Hindi ko maipagtanggol sarili ko na Ma, ninakawan ako, hindi ko ginusto yun, nag-ingat naman ako. O baka di naman talaga ako nag-ingat kaya yun nangyari. Ewan. Ewan ko.

Ang alam ko lang, after siguro ngayong araw na to, habambuhay na kong mapapraning. Oo na. Nadala na ko sa ikalawa. Ayoko nang matatluhan pa.

-----

Bad luck comes in threes. Una, yung cellphone. Sunod, yung bag.

Anong sunod, si Nagj?

Lord, kahit ano na lang po. Basta wag ang Ching and Co, sina Mama, at siya.

-----

Have I Found You?

2009-07-11T17:25:00.004+08:00

Oh yeah, I got a job!

It's a tutorial stint at Asiawise. I actually applied last summer, but I had clients only about the end of June. I have to kids to teach: Hannah, Grade 2 USI, on Math, English and Science every MWF (4:30-5:30); and Sashi, Grade 5 St. Joseph, on Math every weekday (5:30-6:30).

The two must be the noisiest students in the center. Hannah doesn't want to study and treats me like a classmate or worse, a psychologist. Sashi is intelligent and usually follows my instructions, but she's always eager to get home and she wanders off to other classrooms and disturbs others as soon as my back is turned.

Nonetheless, I try my best to be patient with them. Sashi loves My Melody Onegai to the point of obsession; Hannah has a lot of erasers and stickers. You wouldn't believe how angelic I appear while teaching them. But of course, it's my job, and I do it for the money.

And both kids have their nice qualities. Sashi is very cute, and she offers me doughnuts every now and then. Hannah gave me three stickers from her precious collection, a bear and a couple of cat stickers (I gave one to Nagj).

I haven't got my salary yet, but so far I manage to be present everyday to deal with these two. The only drawback to this job (aside from being too lazy to work right after school) is that I worry about leaving Nagj alone everyday.

But so far, I'm up for the challenge.

-----

I lost my cellphone. You know that already, don't you?

So please, if you need anything urgent, text Nagj (09097827599, for weekdays) or, if you're brave enough, text my mama (0907, for weekends and evenings). Trust me, both won't bite. Nagj just claws, while Mama swallows. *evil grin*

-----

I miss Mingming, and she's not even gone a half-day.

Ever had the feeling that your whole world consists of only one person - you and your special someone exists, nobody else does? That's how I feel right now.

Here, kitty, kitty!

-----

It's Too Late For Anyone's White Horse To Come Around.

2009-06-27T16:44:00.002+08:00

The only mangas I have really been addicted to are Love Hina and Death Note.

Yesterday while walking in Emall with Nagj, I chanced upon a copy of Love Hina 11. Which was good, because it was LOVE HINA. And which was better, because it was the sequel to the only Love Hina manga I've got - no. 10.

The only bad thing is, I only had five pesos in my pocket. And Nagj had not enough money as well. The price tag was P160.

I repeatedly consoled myself on the way back to Nagj's bhouse, telling myself that once I get real wealthy I'm gonna buy every Love Hina manga available in the universe. And today, I would have moved on and forgotten all about the incident.

Only that this afternoon, just as I arrived, Mama offered to lend me some money. And the amount? P200.

So just as she left the house, I hurried to Emall with the precious P200 . . . only to find out on my arrival that the LH was, well, gone. Nowhere. On the shelf where it should have been was Battle Royale - which was good in film but I'm not sure about the manga.

I searched for LH in all remaining bookshelves I can reach. Admitted it was gone. Debated on whether to buy Battle Royale [it was the same price], but decided not to as it was still wrapped and I won't buy it without seeing its drawing style. Now I have to make do with The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, which was P20.

And, I'll have to return that P180 to Mama.

-----

I promised myself that once I start on my layouting venture, I'm never going to stop at it until I get busy with my filmmaking plans.

However, this was not to be - not because I got lazy, but because our dear PC is dying. Something out of my control, not just a calamity on myself but on the machinery that I have come to so heavily rely on to.

The PC wouldn't turn on for long periods of time. Tsambahan lang kung mag-on. The CPU turns on, but the monitor would usually remain mute, the light turning from green to orange and staying like that, without the 'beep' sign that it's going to turn on. And when it happens to turn on, it would suddenly lag in an hour or so, and when you try to restart it, nothing happens. Nobody knows what's wrong with it - oh, maybe computer technicians would know, but there's no money to pay them to repair it.

This is the first time I was able to turn it on again in two weeks. Lucky for the computer, but not for Love Hina.

So you'll have to forgive me, dear customers, if I would be very, very delayed in your orders. Don't worry, I try to finish them everytime the computer turns on. And if anybody would care to lend me a laptop with Adobe Photoshop and Xara 3d [that's a 3d-text software], I'll be happy to do your layout first. =]

-----

What's the strongest antivirus you know?

My two babies, USBs Naxcz_Nagj [the 1GB] and Nagj_Niaw [4GB] are both infected with Autorun and Samok_ForYou virus. So far, they're the hardest ones to remove in our PC and in Nagj's laptop as well. I use ESET NOD32 antivirus, but it doesn't seem to be effective. Care to help?

-----

I am happy with who I am now.

A person out of thePillars' Publication, but with two lengthy articles on the last Opinion magazine.

A loyal BFF to Nagj [whatever that meant].

Happy with my cat, robot shirts and individuality.

Happy to prove that money isn't everything [or am I just justifying the fact that I'm broke?] and it's actually she - everyone knows who - who makes the world matter.

And, notwithstanding my computer problems, agnostic issues, my nasty classmate Arl and London, that Love Hina that got away, and missing Ching and Co., I like my life now.

Everything and anyone I'll ever need is here.

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Let's Call It A Day.

2009-06-18T11:17:00.002+08:00

Forgive me for not blogging for a while.

There's no excuse, really, for being absent for such a long time. I am online almost everyday, I update my Facebook, I download movies [as of the moment, I plan to re-watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith], I read my friends' blogs and all.

Or, there is a reason. I have been busy playing a lot of computer games. And layouting.

It frustrates me that sometimes I am too lazy to finish my piling lists of layouts to do. I am currently doing El's right now - second on my list - and there is actually seven more to go. I feel like when I stare at Adobe Photoshop, my creative juices drain out right on the floor and not into the said program.

Or, maybe there isn't really any juice left to spill anymore. Schoolwork has hogged it all away - with Photography, English [it's really Writing in the Discipline, but I don't understand why the heck do we keep on play-acting], and even choosing civilian clothes on non-uniform days. Plus the fact that El and I are doing marketing campaigns for Asiawise Study Center to earn a few bucks, when you really have to get creative and confident at the same time.

It makes me wonder. Aside from my blog, is there anything else in my life that I'm missing?

Grey Sent Evil.

2009-05-07T01:22:00.005+08:00

Smoke,

not from my cigarette,

[since you banned me from it
a long time ago]

curls up

towards the ceiling,

follows a trail

of its own making.

I followed that trail too

once.

Nobody can say

I didn't try.

I tried to be good. Hell yes.

And you came. Life

took a turn for the better,

but reason went downhill.

It's wrong. But why does it feel

like a pack of Marlboro -

easy, delicious, light, good?

Who said this was wrong anyway?

You're coming around tomorrow,

I'll grab you right off our doorstep,

we'll play house again,

their tongues would be wagging

That's sinful, condemn them!

Fools. They never had love.

That's why they say these.

I have you in a jar,

in my pocket, in my wallet.

We make endless exchanges

of foolishly happy love

even on the local ATM booth.

I'm not about to give you away.

I'm happy playing house

infinitely, endlessly, with you

in my closet, where your letters

and kisses and our million secrets lurk.

I'm not looking for a way out.

They wish.

-----

I can't even sleep, dammit.

The title happens to be my band name in Facebook. And you should know it pertains to something. It's not just some random phrase in my head.

We Used To Be In Peace, Now We're Both Weary - So Tell Me The Truth, Are We Falling Out?

2009-05-07T00:23:00.003+08:00

There is that gap again.

The last time we had this indeterminate space between us was in the first of March. In my mind, I called that day the first of summer - everytime March comes around I always tend to relax, thinking summer is around the corner. And I called that gap between us 'a long gulf threatening to separate Nagj and me'.

Looking back, reading that post [Crawling in the Dark, March 1 2009] I recall the heavy feeling I had while I was typing away. And voila - two days after, we had the divorce. I had a premonition it would happen, and I was so powerless to stop it. It was how I felt now. Like something bad was about to happen in our already-not-that-ideal relationship.

There was something surreal, even sad, in our text messages since we fought last Monday and I'm sure we both feel it. I don't know how to describe it - I was being sweet in my words, like when we were still married - but instead of the warm feeling I get while thinking of her reading them and imagining the thoughts they convey in her wild imagination, I felt like a mouse with a single paw stuck in a mousetrap. Everything was scary and heart-thumping and heavy at the same time. It was me in mouse-imagery, nervous that some human might come around before I can escape the darned mousetrap, terrified because death is just around the corner, and heavy because I can die at any minute and I can do nothing about it, my struggles are all futile.

Maybe it was because I never changed. She was probably tired of the things I were saying. The words must have felt so hollow to her now, as she have heard and read it a million times before.

I made her promise yesterday that she would not do anything to jeopardize our relationship, and she agreed. That made me feel better for a short while. But after that, my words still felt empty even to me and she never replied again, not even to say if she was really returning tomorrow. She must be thinking of something that would end everything. And while I would call that a jeopardy to our relationship, her highly rational mind would tell me otherwise - everything would be fine after I do this, blah blah blah.

-----

I don't want it to happen. If I must hack through that gap with my bare hands until my wrists snap, I would.

I knew it before. I never did anything to stop what was about to come.

But now, it won't happen again. I won't let it happen again.

-----

I Don't Want To Be Anything That I Haven't Been Lately.

2009-05-05T20:20:00.010+08:00

A survey I got from Eymi.

-----

Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now
(don't tell us who it is) ::

1. "Ikaw naman kasi Mingming. Can you blame me if I'm scared to lose you?" [cheesy!]
2. "Creature eliminated! Rawr!"
3. "Thanks, Patricia! Gumagawa ako ngayon ng bagong layout."
4. "Mama didn't like my new haircut.."
5. "Pano ba kasi maglagay ng spyware?"
6. "Tara Piw? Can't wait for the robot shirt!"
7. "Robot shirts! Robot shirts! I want some more robot shirts!"
8. "Dahil late ka, bibilhan mo ko nung Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami! Nyahaha!"
9. "Mag-Rock Legends ka kasi!"
10. "Wish we'd never stop doing this to each other."

Nine things about yourself ::

1. AYOKONG GINAGAGO. PERIOD.
2. When I love someone, nothing is going to change that unless we lose faith in each other. Kahit paulit-ulit niya pa kong gaguhin. Kahit mag-gaguhan pa kami.
3. Jack of all trades, master of none. Ako yun. Though not all trades nga lang. [Wala kong panama sa math, etc.]
4. I'm addicted to branded clothes and stuff. Hindi naman ako fashionista pero gusto ko lang talaga.
5. I love to cook. If I had the time and resources, I can stand cooking all the recipes in sight.
6. I am not a patient person. I pull my hair in impatience when I want it to grow longer. I only have patience for a very few number of people.
7. I bite my nails. Badly.
8. Napaka-passive kong tao. Hindi ako nang-aano kung hindi ako inaano. And I practice reticence so much to the point that I often regret it when I could have prevented disaster just by saying my opinions beforehand.
9. People dub me cono, rich kid, etc. But believe me - I am not and never had been.

Eight ways to win your heart :: [okay, this is getting more and more cheesy]

1. Say those three words [go fuck yourself? LOL] - and mean it.
2. Feed me! RAWR!
3. Don't jerk around with me until we're close. Otherwise, you'll scare me away.
4. Accept the fact that I love to run around and chase after others. I am THAT wild.
5. Hug me often. And make the move to get close. I am not coming near you.
6. Listen to me when I talk, because I rarely do that.
7. Make me laugh. Don't bore me.
8. Know the difference between me being genuine and me just being polite. Once you do, you know me well.

Seven things you want to happen to you before you die ::

1. Travel around the world. Is there a travel agency who does that?
2. Be a damned good filmmaker.
3. Never get tired of my mate when I marry. Being tired scares me =]
4. Earn money out of my talents/hobbies/strengths. I don't want to earn by doing something I don't want to do.
5. Live a glamorous life, even just for a day. Wear fine clothes, pig out on gourmet food, live in a five star hotel, bodybuild because it is a necessity, cook for Nagj and take her out on dates without having to worry about the price, travel in a cool jet or sports car, rock out with a band with all these people screaming for a piece of me, the works. Just to know what it feels like.
6. Do extreme sports - skydiving, for instance.
7. Learn something new. Well, that happens everyday.

[Toinx, walang six.]

Five turn offs ::

1. Gago. At yung mahilig makipag-gaguhan kahit hindi naman sana ipinanganak na gago.
2. Hindi marunong tumupad ng usapan.
3. Nagsasayang ng pera sa kabwisitan - gambling and other extravagant stuff. Kung binibigay na lang kasi saken eh.
4. Walang utak. Walang puso, pwede pa. Pero utak? You never should have existed kung sakali. Mamamatay ka lang. At mahihirapan ka pa bago ka matsugi.
5. Mayabang. Gusto ko ako lang yung mayabang. Ngii.

Four turn-ons ::

1. A good conversationalist. It's a sign na may utak ka.
2. Romantic. Or at least, tries to be. Cheesy!
3. Down-to-earth. Kung una pa lang nainis na ko sa kayabangan mo, PUKSA!
4. Marunong tumawa. At marunong magpatawa kahit papano.

Three smilies that describe your life ::

1. =P
2. ♥
3. \m/

Two things you wish you never did ::

1. Get obsessed with Koren. [Kasalanan mo 'to, KC!]
2. Reply to creatures crashing in my blog.

One confession ::

1. I live for her. *grin*

-----

I missed doing this. Heehee.

Haven't You People Ever Heard Of Closing A Goddamn Door?

2009-05-04T01:44:00.003+08:00

Over a span of nearly two years, I have been patient with people coming in and out of my blogs.

I've been nice to everybody, whether they were praising me or trash-talking me. Or, at least, I tried to be polite. I try my best not to say bad words in my cbox. I've had my share of stalkers, of trippers such as Aira's cousins and relatives [Earth calling Arih!], mean ex-girlfriends and ex-friends. Everybody has been trying to say good or bad things about me or to me, and everybody knows the easiest way to do that is to put a message on my cbox.

Of all these people, I've never encountered a creature I hated most before 'twinx'. This creature who has been taunting me since the 22nd of April, and whose existence you will find in my peach cbox in the sidebar. Yes, this creature has been messing up with my baby Naxczmachinery lately. Its messages has become a great eyesore to my blog, to me and to my every visitor. I have reason to believe that it could also know me personally [hopefully], and I have been able to interact with this creature in real life, as it seems to know a lot about my dearest satellite that it knows and we all know as Nagj.

This is too drastic a step, but I have decided what to do with this dirty bastard of a creature.

To The Creature Who Calls Itself Twinx.

I challenge you to a face-to-face meeting for me to see who the real stupid ass you are.

I can think of a million reasons why you would not want to come, and here is the top three. One: You are too scared to show your ugly little face. Two: You worry that I might kill you in personal. Three: You just don't want your silly little game with my cbox to end because you seem to have so much fun in making a fool out of me.

And if you won't show up, of course I'll think of you forever as a dumbass coward who's afraid to reveal your beastly face to the glamour of my presence. Not that I really care, but well, you might bother if you've got a good reputation to keep. [Of course, that reputation is pretty well down in flames for me.]

So what do you say to this Thursday this week, 7th of this month, at that glass-covered dome in front of the Cathedral Church? I'll be waiting for you there at nine in the morning, and be honoured that I would wake up that early just to meet you, you fool of a creature. I'll be wearing red Chucks just in case you've forgotten my unremarkable face due to that obviously tiny size of your brain. You wear whatever you like, though I'd be glad to see you in a Mickey Mouse costume so you can at least make up a little for all the bother you've brought to me.

Hope you don't fail me. You want to win me over, right? You were wrong to mess up with someone who writes sins plus tragedies, but I'd be very, very, very much happy to meet you.

Oh. And in case you didn't understand. That last line was an irony. =]

Your Favorite Internet Playmate.

Back then I kept on wishing for some spice to come along while Nagj is not around. And now, looks like I've got an extremely fatal dose. Tsk, tsk. Be careful what you wish for, people.

This City Makes Us Crazy And We Must Get Out.

2009-05-01T17:09:00.008+08:00

I had been cleaning the whole house since I woke up - which was about 2pm this afternoon.

And, despite scouring the bathroom tiles, wrestling with the dust bunnies under the bed, and juggling the dusty books into order in my bookshelf - nothing in the emptiness I'm feeling has changed. I still miss her.

All that cleaning amounted to this. Ooh.

-----

I can't code my blog template properly. I'm supposed to put 25 posts in my main page, but I had to change it to 5 since the main image above is cut short once it reaches a certain length as you scroll down. It's something about background repeat, but I just don't get it - I only manage to screw up my layout everytime I try. Is anyone out there willing to help? People who are in computer science or knows something in html - Nikko and Aira, probably?

-----

I've decided to set myself up as a freelance graphic artist.

My layout that you're seeing up there is a product of my, uhh, imagination, and my amateurish talents on coding and photoshop. But if you, dear reader, likes it and would like to have your own personalized layout done by me, I am very much willing to do it for you at a reasonable price. I swear, reasonable. And with discounts too if you're my close friend or something.

Nagj and I have been kidding around lately with a partnership named MingNiaw Productions. By the ending of the second sem, though, both of us have been signing our works for our friend Conch's debut with "MingNiaw Productions" and I even went as far as making a logo.

Anyway. Since I have decided to go on with this production thing, you can hire MingNiaw productions for simple projects, layouts, research, website developing and editing and the like. MingNiaw Productions is also willing to deal with invitations, cards, and other printed things for special occasions. Our staff [which is composed of me, actually] is fully computer-literate and quite knowledgeable in Adobe Photoshop, Premiere and Audition. You can hire us to make a personalized layout with your specifications, do simple video and audio editing, make logos and stuff. We can even make literary compositions, digitally-made and handmade posters, even musical compositions and covers of your favorite songs. [The latter would be a hard one, but I think I can manage.]

For more information or orders, please email at mingniawprods@yahoo.com, or send me a message at my friendster account mr_persnickety_31@yahoo.com.

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So much for making business. I should probably hire a manager for public relations, such as Aira. LOL.

V Is For A Fucking VENDETTA!

2009-04-29T19:25:00.004+08:00

Who the hell is that person/animal/thing playing pranks on my cbox?!

All I can say is, at least it can speak English. But other than that, it doesn't put its brain to good use.

Me, angst-ridden? Yeah. Especially to cowards who show up in my blog, put in anonymous names, and bash on the person that matters to me.

It's making me problematic on what to do with my blog - do I delete my cbox, do I transfer to a new url, do I send the FBI on this animal, or do I set my buddies's dogs on its sorry ass?

Like, if it thinks it's so smart, why doesn't it approach me and Nagj sometime when we're together and say the things it's been typing in here straight to our faces?

Scumbag. The world's full of them, and one of them got into my blog and decided to fuck up my peaceful little existence.

Well. This scumbag probably exists so that I can keep myself occupied until Nagj returns. I'm looking on the bright side here.

But for the meantime, DIE, EVIL, DIE!

Nawawala Na Naman Ako Sa Sarili.

2009-04-27T12:49:00.004+08:00

Opo. Nawawala na naman ang aking wedding ring. Yung sandamukal na photos ng singsing na nasa post sa baba ["When Will I Ever Learn To Take Care Of The Things That Really Matter?" @ 10:16 PM, April 8].

Ewan ko lang. Pero somehow sigurado ako na dito ko yun naiwala sa bahay. Napansin ko lang kahapon ng umaga. The night before, nag-attend ako ng debut ni Diane, at pag-uwi ko, noong nagpahatid ako sa kotse nila Aira, ay napansin ko pang nasa kamay ko yun bago ako bumaba. So wala na kong idea kung anong ginawa ko sa kanya starting from our gate up to our apartment.

It must be around here somewhere. Somewhere. Sa computer table ko siya nilalagay lagi. Hinalughog ko na ang possible places na pinagtaguan niya. Wala talaga. Wala. Wala.

Sabi lang ni Ate Chai ngayon, pag hinahanap, nawawala. Ayoko na maghanap. Kahapon pa ko parang praning na nagsusumiksik sa ilalim ng computer, ng printer table, ng aparador, tv, kahit sa ilalim ng washing machine, sa sink, sa lalagyan ng labahang damit, sa bag kong ginamit noong nakaraang gabi, sa trinkets na ginamit ko. Yun lang ang nawawala.

Kung makita ko pa siya ulit, ibabalik ko na siya sa nagbigay. Kahit para sa ngayong summer na lang. Sapat nang nawala na siya sa ikalawang pagkakataon. Baka mawala na ng tuluyan kapag natatluhan pa. Besides, nagbabakasyon dapat ako, hindi nag-aastang watchdog na sumusuot sa mga suluk-sulok ng marumi kong tahanan. Putangina. Asan na ba kasi?

Si Lola na lang ang inaasahan ko. Palibhasa'y nag-general cleaning siya ng mga kalat kahapon bago ako nagising. Umuwi na siya paggising ko at bukas babalik. Wala kaming kontak sa kanya. Baka sakaling nakita niya yung singsing at tinago kung saan kasi baka mawala. Pero sa sarili ko, kahit anong kumbinsi ko na andun kay lola, andun kay lola, ayokong paniwalaan. Alam ko. Wala yun kay Lola. Wala. Sana andun nga, pero alam ko na. Wala.

Gusto kong maging kasingliit ng butiki at magkumahog sa bawat espasyo ng buong apartment. Gusto kong hanapin sa kalye. Gusto kong tumalon mula sa rooftop ng Starview Hotel. Anything para matanggal ang guilty feeling at pag-aalala sa naturang singsing. Sheeeet. Gusto ko nang mamatay. Bakit ba kasi napaka-waga kong tao. Bakit ba kasi napakawalang-paki ko sa mga gamit ko. Putangina. Asan na ba kasi. Nagagalit na ko. Sa singsing, sa nakawala. Sa nagbigay. Kung bakit pa kasi ako binigyan na alam niya namang waga ako. Ay ewan.

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UPDATE. Nakita ko rin! Itinago nga ni Lola. Nyahaha.

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If I'm Not Made For You, Then Why Does My Heart Tell Me That I Am?

2009-04-18T23:57:00.010+08:00

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This day was, like, one of the happiest ones ever in my life.

And this wasn't even a special day to begin with. But well, when Nagj and I are together, we just manage to make each day memorable. Especially when we haven't seen each other for sometime, since she has to go back to Ligao after at least two days' stay here.

Yesterday evening, she and Mark slept over at Kate's house, and I also wanted so much to come with them. However, Mama did not allow me to, so I just stayed with her as long as I can and texted her a lot before we went to sleep. She asked me to come earlier at Kate's house the next day, but as I am a very notorious latecomer, the earliest time I promised I could come would be at nine AM. But I really intended to surprise her the next morning, so I set my alarm at 5AM and went to sleep as early as I can.

Next morning, I woke up at five-thirty. Damn! I hurried through all my morning habits, and was on a jeepney by a quarter to seven, texting Kate ahead to open their gate so that I could come in without disturbing their sleep. When I arrived I was able to come in without making much noise, found Mark and Kate hugging in one room, and my angel alone and fast asleep in the other. I gave her some kisses until she woke up, and when she did she couldn't quite believe I was already there beside her that early. So we had at least one and a half-hour of teasing and talking and just enjoying each other's presence, until Kate interrupted and nagged her to prepare for going to Ateneo.

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We arrived with good humor at Ateneo and went to thePillars' office, meaning to attend the general assembly and explain our resignation, only to get irritated by Kate's insistence to join the general cleaning scheduled that morning. I was getting irritated just being inside the damned office, and even more because I was not a part of it anymore so no one has the right to order me to clean it. I told Nagj what I felt, but we were both clueless on where to go.

When push came to shove - in short, when we asked Kate to let us leave and she acted like she did not hear anything - my irritation reached its peak. "Uwi na ko," I said in a controlled voice, walking outside, continuing to the stairs behind the SSG office. Nagj followed but stopped right outside the office, reading the school paper. I stopped and waved at them with the pouches I was carrying - mine in one hand and Nagj's large red one in the other - and repeated, "Uwi na ko!" Nagj did not give any indication of following me. I cursed to myself and walked to the gate. I looked back once outside, wondered what the hell is taking Nagj so long to follow, and, still irritated by being made to wait and the heat outside, I walked home cursing all the way.

Once home, I ranted incessantly to Mama and fell asleep. That was about 10am. I woke at 11am only to read a very angry text message from Nagj saying that she has searched the whole of Ateneo and asking where the hell I was. I replied I would be back after lunch, thinking that I would just read for some minutes then change my clothes and return to Ateneo. But before I could do anything else, Nagj was already outside fuming mad.

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I went out with my most innocent look to meet her, and explained that I called her attention when I wanted to go home earlier because I did not want to clean the damned office. We argued for a while until she fell into moody silence; I decided it was best to leave the house, told her so, and after asking Mama for some money, we walked out the gate.

Without warning, the light drizzle when we went out cascaded into a heavy downpour, catching us on a shade near the corner of Arana. I asked her where we would be going, and she irritably replied that she had no idea, then crouched down on the sidewalk with her face turned away from me. I sighed, muttered some things about needing to eat lunch, and when the rain stopped a quarter of an hour later, we rode a tricycle to Ateneo by my decision. I stopped the tricycle at Tita Amy's carenderia where we usually have dinner, and we both forced ourselves to eat in silence. After that, we went to her boarding house, talking in monosyllables, at about 1PM.

But not before long inside their room, though - her roommate Jaja is not around because of summer class - I don't know what happened or I wasn't really aware of what I did, but I pacified her with my hugs and then we were sweet to each other a little while later. *grin*

We just stayed on her bed lazing around and talking of so many things - we never ran out of things to say to each other - until Kate and Jenn, who was in thePillars office, started nagging us to come over even though the general assembly was over. That was, unbelievably, about 6.30PM already. We went to Ateneo, chatted for a while with the staff, and agreed to come to the foodtrip/meeting/hang-out session to be held at Kate's house later. After that NaNaKaJenn stayed in the batibot near Xavier Hall. Kuya Biboy suddenly arrived with some disappointing lecture on the degrading quality of the school paper. At about 9PM everyone in the staff was ready to go at Kate's. Kuya Biboy and Kuya Jed refused to come, which was too bad since they are my favorite members of the publication.

Nagj retrieved her things from the boarding house, while the others waited for us outside the gate. I was starting to get irritated with Grey by then, because Nagj was going to sleep at Kate's house and I was sure he would take the opportunity to be with her once I leave at about eleven or twelve. Nagj kept on assuring me everything would be fine and nothing would happen.

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The next hours - travel to Kate's and waiting for the food, Kuya Fuy and the others to come - was pretty much uneventful, and when everything was finally settled by 10PM, I was starting to worry on how to get home. Good thing Ate Franz and Ekai also had to get home at about 12 and Ate Franz was also headed to Centro. When Kuya Fuy and Ate Shamee arrived, they immediately took me and Nagj outside to "put closure", as Kate said, to our resignation from the publication. We were of course asked of our reasons; I was ready to admit that one of my greatest reasons of leaving was my ugly relationship with the now-EIC Grey. But then, right at that moment, Grey approached and listened to our conversation.

When asked if there was any possibility of us returning, Nagj said something about highly doubting it, but then anything can happen and things may come to that. As for me, I said that there is great possibility that I may, but I stressed that it would not be now repeatedly. They seemed to get the point, and they all seemed sincere on shaking our hands at the end of our conversation.

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We found Ekai, Abi, Ate Franz, Kuya French and Kate horsing around in the first bedroom when we got back inside the house at about 10.30PM. Nagj was already very worried at that time about me having to get home, but we were both torn about me leaving, as she was going back to Ligao early the next day and tonight is the last we would be together until her next return on the 22nd. Finding the next bedroom empty, we stayed there for a while just cuddling each other, I assuring her it was okay to get home late as long as I spend more time with her. I steered her around until we found ourselves embracing each other and dancing to nonexistent music. Laughing at our absurdity, I took courage and told her it would be better if I just sang for her while we danced, despite my next-to-hopeless singing voice.

Tell me something
when the rain falls on my face
How do you quickly replace it with
a golden summer smile?

I grumbled on not knowing the other lyrics, but then continued singing softly, just for her ears, feeling her warmth and hearing her sighing with mixed happiness and sadness on the thought that I had to leave her later. She joined in on the chorus.

I don't think that you even realize
the joy that you make whenever we're inside
your universe
You hold me like I'm the one who's precious
I hate to break it to you but it's just
the other way around,
You can thank the stars all you want but
I'll always be the lucky one.

I sang some other songs then, Smother Me by The Used and our most memorized, favorite song [it can even be our theme song], I Could Not Ask For More by Edwin McCain. She listened to me for some moments, just chuckling at the weird yet sweet gesture we were both doing, just inhaling my scent as she pressed her cheek on my shoulder; and before we knew it, we were singing the whole song together.

These are the moments
I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments
I'll remember all my life,
I have all I've waited for
and I could not ask for more.

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Naalala Kita, Ilang Bukas Pa Ba Bago Tayo Ay Magkita?

2009-04-16T19:43:00.008+08:00

"I was dressed for success, but success it never comes..."
-Here, Pavement

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Tae. Bagot na bagot na ko sa bahay.

Sa mga nagtatanong, oo, nahanap ko na ang wedding ring ko through divine intervention.

Nakaalis ako ng bahay ng Lunes kasi dumating si Nagj, at nagkabati naman kami [bakit ba kasi di namin mapigilan na mag-away tuwing magkikita kami?] plus nakitulog pa ko ng wala sa oras kina Jenn kasama sya. Nakahiram pa nga ko ng t-shirt ni Nagj na wala na kong plano ibalik. *evil laugh*

Pero, Lunes lang yun. Ngayon, eto akong walang magawa kundi mangati at magreklamo ng dysmenorrhea. At murahin ang kompyuter kasi natatae na ko sa music ng Maroon 5.

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Actually, dapat may trabaho naman ako ngayon e. Nag-apply ako, nakapasa, nag-attend ng seminar, nagdamit ng yellow for success. But well, success it never comes. Ayaw talaga saken ng success. Matagal ko nang alam yan. Lahat ng chance for important success, hinabol ko. Nagpupumilit naman akong magkaroon ng direksyon sa buhay, kasi, tangina, bakit ko pa ba naman yun hahabulin kung ayoko ng direksyon?

Hell. Anyway. Siguro kahit nag-blue pa ko o nag-black o nag-rainbow color o kahit pa naghubo't hubad pag-attend ko ng seminar, wala namang magiging pagkakaiba. Ewan ko kung imahinasyon ko lang na mataas-taas naman ang grade kong nakuha sa exam nila kumpara sa iba, kasi yung iba kinontak na at nagtatrabaho na ngayon, habang ako e tinutubuan na ng pigsa sa pwet kakaupo sa bahay. ASAN BA KASI ANG HAYUP NA SUCCESS?

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Ayaw nyo maniwala?

Ayaw nyo maniwala na si Naxcz Jacutan, matalino mayaman mayabang maganda o gwapo matangkad maappeal maporma mang-aagaw ng chick talentado pa-deep maangas may makalaglag-panting ngiti konpident sa sarili [DAW] ay iniilagan ng SUCCESS?

Sasabihin nyo, ayaw ng universe na makamit mo yang success na gusto mo kasi iba naman ang ibibigay sayo. Yung mas magandang success. Yung mas ma-eenjoy mo. Hay naku. Pwet na universe yan. Ang arte. E sa yung success na hinahabol ko nga ang gusto ko - kasi sa tingin ko e yun yung da best na success. Paki ba ng universe na yan? E di maghabol rin sya ng success nya. Hindi yung naghahabol sya sa success na hinahabol na ng iba. UNIVERSE = POTA.

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No, seriously. Where is SUCKSEX - ay, este, SUCCESS?

Nasa bulsa ba ito ng somebody? Lucio Tan, perhaps? O Bill Gates? Sa lahat ng mayayaman that ever walked the earth? Kung oo, bakit ayaw nila mag-share? Like, "O pare, saksespul na ko, sayo naman to" o di kaya e "Manang, gusto mo muna hiramin itong success ko? Ibalik nyo na lang po sa makalawa" or something? Baka gusto nyong i-loan muna saken, hanapin nyo naman sa bag nyo o, sige na naman.

Baka natapakan nyo sa kalye, parang tae lang ni Doggie, tapos naiuwi nyo sa bahay, tapos paggising nyo bilyonaryo na kayo at nadiskubre nyo na ang tunay na diwa ng success. May mukha siguro ang success tapos kailangan mong pakainin at paglingkuran bago ka pagpalain. Siguro kamukha sya ni Santino, ano?

O baka naman kasi sa maling lugar ako naghahanap - nasa libro yata ang success, yung sinulat ni JK Rowling. O baka nasa movie na xXx. O baka ikinulong na ni Arroyo sa hawla para di na mapakinabangan ng iba.

Isa lang naman ang punto dito e - wag nyo kong hanapan ng punyetang success, kasi wala saken yan. Bakit ko hahanapin ang nasa akin in the first place?

Kung ang himala ay nasa puso ng tao . . . yung success, asan?

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Forgive The Urgency, But Hurry Up And Wait - My Heart Has Started To Separate.

2009-04-13T16:02:00.004+08:00

She came back this morning at nine and I tried my best to prepare for it.

I found my wedding ring and intended to show it to her as a surprise. [After all, I got it back by a near-miracle]. I drew a sketch of the two of us in her sketchpad, and I'm quite sure it was identifiable as Naxcz and Nagie, and she seemed real happy about it. I resisted kissing her because I know she would not like it - bestfriends don't kiss like there's no tomorrow. I tried to be patient and everything.

And it didn't work. She has to go home tonight, but we're still fighting. Whew. I suck big time.

When Will I Ever Learn To Take Care Of The Things That Really Matter?

2009-04-08T22:16:00.007+08:00

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I lost our wedding ring today.

Top photo :: The larger one underneath is mine.

That piece of silver metal with her name inscribed on the inside of it - a circular thing with a diameter large enough to fit in the ring finger of my right hand - is one of the most important articles in my life so far.

That was given to me on the happiest Valentines' Day in my whole life.

I told her about it. She was disappointed. I would have accepted it easier had she been mad. But disappointed? I have been disappointing her every chance I get. And if she's tired of all my disappointing, she didn't let it show.

She said she would replace it with a new one. I refused. What for? It would not have the same meaning. It would be given in an entirely new, bestfriendly context. It would not be given with a kiss-like-there's-no-tomorrow. It would not be given on a Valentine's Day. It would not be . . . whatever. Wishful thinking. Sigh.

I don't know what to do tomorrow. Do I report it to the police? Do I hire a mad inventor to invent some mad gadget that would find lost things? Do I hang myself on the nearest banana tree? Do I just sit around all day wondering where it is, replaying scenes in my mind on where I probably lost it, picturing it somewhere lonely and waiting to be found?

Sigh. One thing's for sure - I definitely need that penitensya of walking from Arana to Hinulid tomorrow night. I've never felt so guilty in my whole damn life.

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Oh, Why Won't The World Revolve Around Me?

2009-04-04T23:31:00.005+08:00

Photoshop mode.

How I wish there is always a second last time to everything.

Like, maybe we could get married again, revisit those great places we went to when we were still together, kiss each other like there's no tomorrow [I got that from her blog, LOL] and maybe, never stop doing sweet gestures for each other in the way only lovers do.

Or, at least, maybe there could be a second last day we were married. Like, a second March 3rd. A second last day where I'd be prepared on what would come. From the start of the day I would know that by tomorrow, we would not be married anymore. A second last day where I can do my best for her not to forget that oh, the last day Naxcz and I were married was one of the best days of my life.

Haha. As what I usually say during the end of these kinds of post, there's always the element of wishful thinking.

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Nasa Isang Tabi, Ang Lalim Ng Gabi, Gusto Kong Umuwi Na Lang Sa Bahay.

2009-04-01T00:26:00.003+08:00

It's ugly to turn into this computer-infested person who turns on the computer at 7pm, gets carried away with GTA San Andreas/blogging/downloading stuff/listening to music/and so on, turns off the computer at 5:00 the next morning, washes her face downright immediately, and goes to bed at about 5:15 but can't fall asleep until 5:30 when it's semi-light outside the window.

Then she wakes up at about 12:30 to 1pm, eats a lot for brunch. Takes a bath until 2pm, writes and just stares into space for a few hours or so afterwards, maybe send some messages to the person that, so far, is the reason for her whole existence. At about 4pm, gets sleepy and, the next minute, is found asleep on the couch. She wakes up again at 5pm, cooks dinner, eats dinner, turns on the computer at 7pm . . .

Well. I just described myself. That's exactly what I have been doing since Nagj left for Ligao - which was 25 March. And that's probably what I'm going to do until 13 April, the date she's scheduled to return.

It's unhealty. I know. I don't like what I'm doing as well. But see, much as I try to change this bad habit [I actually tried last Sunday] I can't. I can't sleep when it's only 11pm or 12am, much as I try. I have turned into a fucking insomniac.

Everyone has been scolding me about it already - Mama, Ate Chai, El, Nagj, and others. Yet much as I try to explain that I just can't sleep, they don't happen to believe me. So I'm keeping on it until someone finds a solution to this nasty sleep pattern.

The habit is taking its toll on me. There's my neck/back pains, and the damn carpal tunnel syndrome. Also, yesterday - or, this morning at 5am - my eyes hurt so much after I washed my face. I spent the whole of today with a dull headache. And until now, when I close my eyes, there's this stinging pain and the next thing I know, I'm all teary-eyed. Scary.

I hope I get something else to be busy about so that I'll have to stop this midnight escapades on the net. Whew. A summer job, maybe? Anybody who knows about one, please, pretty please, tell me. =D

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Anyway. El and I are on an interview for a tutorial post at Asiawise tomorrow. I don't know what to tell them, so wish me luck. I'm flat broke and I really need the money.

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I'm downloading Dance Audition and Need For Speed Carbon through uTorrent. They're already 95% downloaded [both totals to 4GB] and they're all I'm waiting for so that I could try them out and go to bed.

I'm kinda disappointed with the GTA I got - it didn't load my saved games. Which is bad, because this time in GTA, I want to finish the whole game and see how it would end. I sure can't finish that in one sitting, and if I can't continue games, then what's the use?

So I'm seriously thinking of deleting the GTA and replacing it with The Sims 2 instead. Sims is a great, casual game - you just create a house and a family, build relationships with other sims, and such. It's like getting your own dollhouse and letting your dolls play and enjoy themselves with neighboring dollhouses. What I like about Sims is that it has no objectives - you can just play it to pass the time, without worrying about time running out, or not killing things, scoring points, etc.

Or maybe - just maybe - what I like about downloading Sims is that in there, I can have a make-believe family in a make-believe home. I'd be Daddy Naxcz, I'll have a Nagj for a wife, and we can have three kids: Stripe, Syg and Cricky, in Sims flesh-and-blood. Maybe we can even get a cat or a dog. And the Sims Naxcz would have to feed them because Sims Nagj doesn't like pets . . .

Haha. WISHFUL THINKING. It's bad for the health.

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You see, I'm really in dire need of money.

I hate having no money for cellphone load. Nagj texts me everyday. And it frustrates me that I can only reply to her by Chikka, which limits me to 2 texts unless she replies to my Chikka account [which would cost her 2.50]. Fuck cellphone loads. Fuck Chikka and the whole damned planet who couldn't find it upon itself to bring us closer so that we can just talk over our fences and never need to text each other.

Fuck the fact that I can't resist asking her if she's doing fine. I have to remind her to drink her vitamins, to eat on time, to get enough sleep, not to overexert herself. I just have to reply once she texts me how much she misses me - absurd, but I have this paranoia that says if I don't reply, she might think I don't miss her [which is false] and she might find another guy who will do that for me. I want to tell her I love her even if we're miles apart, I want to assure her I'm not seeing somebody else, I want her to know she's still very much a part of my life. She has to know I can't just ignore her, that she remains to be my happiness, that she's not alone in thinking that our lives, had we not met each other, would have been lives gone to waste.

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And oh, that's the first time in ages I have turned spontaneous again. Welcome back, Blogger Naxcz! =D

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We Long For Escape, Let This Memory Take Shape, For The Heroes We Often See.

2009-03-29T22:08:00.005+08:00

I was surfing for both online and un-online [I forgot the right term] games that I can download today, because DotA is turning out to be a big bore. I didn't expect to tire of the game easily, but well, it sucks to play alone - especially when you already know most of the cheats and tried out most of the items offered. I'm still a mediocre player, though. I never had a thing for DotA and other DotA-ish games, for that matter.

Anyway, I was racking my brains for past computer games I became addicted to and three came to mind: Dance Audition, Need For Speed Carbon, and Crash Bandicoot. Most of you would be familiar with Dance Audi since it's still pretty popular, you follow steps by pressing arrows and all. Need for Speed is one of the best offline racing games ever, and Carbon is one of its newest editions, with cool graphics and techie soundtracks. Crash Bandicoot is a cute racing game once popular too, but I found out it isn't available in PC. Too bad.

Then, I suddenly remembered the game that started my hype for PC games in fourth grade: GRAND THEFT AUTO II.

Most of PC gamers today must have had their first encounter of computer games by Pacman, Hangaroo, Text Twist, Super Mario, or Nintendo. Not I. The first time I handled a computer, it was GTA which I opened, and - tadaaah! - I fell in love.

The purpose of GTA is pretty obvious - stealing cars. It's an offline role-playing game, where you fulfill missions by stealing cars/motorbikes/ships/helicopters, shooting people, and some other more crimes. There's more to that, though, which led some people to dub it as violent and crime-obsessed.

That didn't stop me. Over the years, GTA II became GTA III, then GTA Liberty City, Vice City, San Andreas. I played them all. They rivaled everything from Counter Strike to DotA. And now, there was GTA IV. I visited the website hoping for downloads, and saw these.

Official art of GTA IV.
These two on top is overall appearance of the new Liberty City. Exciting, right? I've heard it was modeled after New York.
The playable main character, a Serbian ex-army Niko Bellic. He looks like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale/Quantum of Solace.

But then, wtf. The game was, so far, released only in XBox and PS3! Rawr. I have to be contented with San Andreas [which I'm downloading as of the moment].

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I rant about games and such because I miss her so much. Everyone knows that you escape realities by playing games. = [

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I'll Keep On Wanting You Tonight And Tomorrow.

2009-03-29T02:16:00.001+08:00

I am currently addicted to downloading Hale songs off the Net and surfing for the interesting passages in their songs.

I don't know what set off the Hale craze myself - I never really became a fan of the band, and I believe that though they make good, well-coordinated music, their lyrics are sometimes way too abstract for me. But of course, Champ Lui-Pio is really something with his looks and all, and his calm, ballad-y voice is oftentimes suited to his band's music.

Maybe it's because I saw Ran yesterday or something. She's the only person I know that's really into Hale, though I have never heard her sing any song by the band. [I don't know, really. She probably did. But that was waaaaaay back October 2007, I don't really remember.] DON'T THINK THAT I STILL GOT SOMETHING ON RANI, THOUGH. I just saw the gal, that's all, happened to associate Hale with her, then suddenly wanted to hear their music after a long, long time.

Funny, isn't it? My song for Ran, back then, was a Hale one too - Waltz.

I hate the way you are,
so mean to me by far
the most frigid girl
that i have ever known.

and the damnable chorus,

all that I need,
and all that I bleed,
and all that I care for,
is you.

It sucks to reminisce. It's probably the effect of going to my high school alone, unplanned, and aimless. Haha.

But of course, it's not Ran whom I need, bleed and care for anymore. =D

-----

She occupies my mind all day, the way she now occupies their house in Ligao and much of the space in my cardiac device. She. She whom I need, bleed and care for in the present time.

April 13 is the only thing I look forward to. I have no other expectations and such; only that on Monday, April 13, she would materialize out of neverland, and be that solid form I dream of embracing every night in my Mickey Mouse bed. That would be contentment.

I twist the ring round my finger, wondering if she is doing the same, as if she is connected to me by mental telepathy that transcends the hundred-mile roads between us.

I chew my fingernails, noticing that they are getting too long, yet too lazy to trim them - and remembering how she would cut them: imperfectly and not in the way I like.

I open canned corned beef absentmindedly; she never liked it straight from the can - and realize belatedly that I have cut myself with the can's open edge.

I wash the awful red slash on my right forefinger. Back then I also cut myself exactly in that part, when I was preparing strawberry mousse cake a la mode for her as a surprise. She noticed it, somehow thought that I have been cooking again.

I send her a message via internet, and upon rereading the sent item, notice that I have included 'asawa ko' again - a habit I never really wanted to break, however untrue it was on us now.

This moment, I type how I remember her. I flex my right wrist; it is growing more painful by the minute. Carpal tunnel syndrome. Were she here, I would have repeated the words to her. She would not know what it means at first. But upon explanation, she would probably clasp my hand. Then delve her fingers around the conjunction of my radius and ulna, knead the veins and ask if there is any good effect taking place.

And I would always say yes, whether there is good effect or not. Physically there might be none, but the fact that she is there - holding my wrist and being so close and not just surreal - would have taken away all the carpal tunnel syndromes that have existed, are existing, will exist in my universe.

-----

Echoing Hale, let's call it a day.

-----

I Suddenly Broke The Walls Around Her Down.

2009-03-25T23:06:00.003+08:00

I shall remember today - 25 March 2009 - as my most rude, yet most memorable, awakening.

-----

It would be very hard to explain how, or even what this awakening was.

It is an experience that happened to me today at about two in the afternoon. It was a long, long hunger suddenly gratified by the person I least expected.

Yes, I least expected her to fulfill that insatiable hunger, but in reality I was wishing - really, badly, madly wishing - that she would be the one to do it. And today, it happened. She changed my life forever.

-----

The bronze statue of a beautiful goddess, once arrogant, ignorant and immobile to the world, suddenly responded under my breath.

-----

I Cannot Forget, Refuse to Regret, So Glad I Met You.

2009-03-16T21:31:00.000+08:00

Today should've been our sixth monthsary.

Still, it feels like I've been making her cry all day.
I should be convincing her to come back in a very nice way. Well, I tried.

I cooked dinner for us before I left the house for my Comm class. It wasn't really planned; I was just wondering how to make up to her, and had the great luck to find some really good potatoes and meatballs in the fridge.

But later on I still treated her coldly; I did not have the courage to ask her immediately to our house this evening. Also, I was too scared that after the dinner and after my efforts, she would still never change her mind. I am too tired of rejection that I might not be able to take any of it anymore.

Her groupmate in Filipino, Diane, asked to join us for dinner at about six-thirty. I tried to counter the request by joking, "Hindi pwede, may date kami!" But it proved unsuccessful, as Nagj had already agreed, and they finished the project at a very late time.

In short, my plan was ruined. I, whom Aira and everybody else commends as one of the best planners that ever walked Naga City, had at last a plan that was ruined.

-----

I told her right after dinner of what I had planned, when I was taking her to their boarding house. She was skeptical at first, but believed me afterwards; I must be lying too often that she found me really hard to believe.

She insisted on going at our house. Much as I wanted to, Mama must be already home by that time; I did not ask for her permission to organize some dinner date in the house, I only informed Kuya Bokyo and Ate Chai about it.

Of course, we fought again. I am getting weary at it - tired of asking her to change her mind, of making promises and conditions once she comes back, of restraining myself, of talking of fucking intimacy and right or wrong. I am actually getting hopeless at the whole thing; I don't want to force myself on her anymore, it makes me feel so useless.

Still, I am not stopping on nagging her to change her mind. Better to sacrifice everything I have in asking her to come back, than regret not doing the effort someday later.

I should be convincing her to change her mind. But I don't know - it seems like I am only pushing her away.

I am really tired of crying. But lately, it's been my newest pastime. [sigh]

-----

A Fool To Let You Slip Away.

2009-03-15T00:26:00.005+08:00

Last Wednesday, my ex-wife - i mean, Nagie - slept at my apartment.

Or, I might be starting the story wrong. Let us begin at the fact that last Wednesday, I organized a drinking binge, for the reason that it was "a mindsetting for the final exams". That was what I told Nagj, of course, but I was actually thinking of drowning my sorrows at our recent divorce in a lot of Matador.

Nagj, as usual, was furious at the idea. But when she saw I was not about to be stopped, she agreed halfheartedly, and reminded me of our pact that once I drink, she has to drink too. I just shrugged and said, "Suit yourself."

So I informed all my beer buddies, and right after Christology, Kim and I set off for Michael's house.

-----

At Mike's, Kim, who was apparently angry over her breakup with Ingkit the previous day, dared me to start on the longneck Matador right away.

"Anong klaseng shot?" I asked.
"Full-glass!" she exclaimed.

So while watching Mr. Bean with Mike [who, amazingly, did not want to drink or smoke], Kim and I complained about life and its recent shortcomings. We talked about a lot of things, she on Ingkit, I on Nagj and how hard it was for me to control myself from acting un-bestfriendly around her. Before we knew it, the two of us had already reduced the Matador in half, Kim was crying curses on the invisible Ingkit, while I tried to control my vision from spinning as I stared at Nagj, who had just arrived at about six with Sarah, Guia, John, Marc and Jillian.

"Sabi mo hihintayin mo ko! Hindi ka talaga marunong tumupad ng usapan!"
After that, Nagj started downing Matador shots, while I can't help but think, uh-oh, I have to take her home again.

-----

It's a surprise Michael, his sister and Kuya Don [her boyfriend] can take the mess we do once everyone is drunk. I don't want to elaborate, but as usual, I tried to keep sane so we could take Nagj to the boarding house; Ingkit arrived, found Kim wild, and took her home.

I remember I took a tricycle to P. Santos with Guia and the others; I was getting kind of disoriented then. We waited sometime at a carinderia in the corner of P. Santos because Guia bought dinner for herself, and I could barely remember what I was doing to Nagj; I was brought back to my senses when she said, "Bakit mo 'ko niki-kiss?"

Then we went to Nagj's boarding house; Lyn and Jaja, her boardmates, was there. Jaja was about to sleep, while Lyn stayed for a while just listening and occasionally laughing to Nagj's sarcastic rantings. Nagj lay on her small bed, while I curled up beside her, trying to shake off my confusion. The last clear thing I remember was when Lyn went out of the room, the quiet thud of the door.

And after that, nothing.

-----

The next day Nagj told me everything that happened on that blackout, in a rather remorseful tone [of course, this is not the whole story; censored parts excluded].

She said that I was shouting, but in a very discreet way; it was more like I was whispering loudly, but only loud enough for her ears. I gripped her wrist tightly, and with every point I made, I smashed her hand hard against the wall. I had told her repeatedly that I was tired with taking care of everyone, that I ought to be cared of too, and other troubling things besides, like dying by getting run over by a pedicab and making it look like an accident. I slapped her face repeatedly as well; when I kissed her, I bit her.

She was breathless with crying as I was hitting her and cursing her and kissing her and hurting her all at the same time. The viciousness with which I did those physical and verbal injuring, as she narrated them, stunned me - especially because I was unaware that I could even do those things, much more do them to her.

[to be continued]

I Gotta Check Into Rehab, Coz Baby You're My Disease.

2009-03-05T23:04:00.007+08:00

"You're going to change your mind, aren't you?"

My pathetic rallying cry for Nagj everytime I get the chance.

-----

Well. Most of you knew already when you opened my blog at least about three days ago. IT IS OVER. And I don't think I can do anything about it.

-----

Me?

I'm depressed.

I miss her and the oh-so-romantic things we used to do so damned much that the world ceased to exist in her absence.

But I find it eerily calming to edit her photos. I admit I am lousy in Photoshop, but I find her stunning in here.

I can remember the great details my mouse pointer underwent in carving out the two-dimensional curves of her body.

I guess the feeling is the same as feeling those curves of her waist beneath my rough hands.

-----

Crawling In The Dark.

2009-03-01T15:42:00.002+08:00

Realizations:

Time is so slow since the afternoon she went back to Ligao - which was Friday afternoon. And listening to reggae doesn't make me feel any better.
There isn't anything fucking edible on the fridge. I smell a pack of dried mangoes on one of Mom's bags, but I guess I'm forbidden to touch it.
DotA sucks. Especially when you've learned that 'whosyourdaddy' can kill everything, and that Death Prophet is the greatest hero ever.
Everyone doesn't seem to be blogging anymore.

Yeah. Life sucks. I don't even have the strength to blog anymore, and seriously considering taking a blog break.

-----

I feel so guilty upon reading Xing's blog a while ago.

I am very left behind on what is happening to my friends, because I am too wrapped up in my own world. Again. Seems just like yesterday when we were back in Aira's house last October 23, laughing warmly at each other's jokes, and I told myself, I'll never forget taking care of these guys. And now look.

Xing, I offer my condolences. And sorry.

-----

After that incident last Monday, there is a long gulf threatening to separate Nagj and me.

I don't know if it was of my own doing, or hers. Probably mine, because eversince she mentioned that question of finishing what we had, I have been totally scared.

I don't know anything, really. I don't want that gulf between us. However, I don't know how to cross it. I'm just . . . not ready to lose her.

-----

Today I Died.

2009-02-23T22:11:00.002+08:00

EMOTE CONTROL.

The day started bitter because I ate along with a very bitter mom for breakfast.

And the quiet politeness, my careful answers to her half-baked statements, made me want to puke.

I left our apartment at around eight because I can't bear the irritating smoke from Tito Donald's cigarettes. Because I can't bear the irritating nagging of Mama to come home early tomorrow. Because I can't bear the irritating face of my mom. Because I can't bear the suffocating feeling inside what is supposed to be my home, but feels more like a cage.

Walked around downtown because it's too early to go to Nagj's boarding house. Felt so alone watching streetchildren in the plaza, tempted to smoke Marlboros because I felt like hell. Held myself back the last minute. It won't do to waste the trust of the only person that mattered now.

-----

THE BEAUTIFUL SOUND OF CHAOS.

Nine in the morning found me outside Nagj's boarding house with my pouch and a bag of food. I needed someone who felt more like home.

She emerged from the gate in yesterday's clothes, let me in their room. I sang Your Universe for her benefit while she arranged her things. She then left me to take a bath. I scanned her familiar bed, with its stuffed toys and baby Stripe and books and all, then fell asleep lying beside Stripe. Woke up when she entered the room again.

Then she was beside me leaning on my shoulder. And suddenly asked, Naxcz, what if last day na natin 'to na mag-asawa?

Mamamatay ako bukas, I said, thinking she was just asking. Even so, tears immediately rolled down my cheeks.

And then she wasn't just asking. She said, amid tears, so many things that was apparently for our own good, yet it hurt. I listened numbly, barely seeing anything through my blurring eyes.

This can't be happening. I can't believe I'm hearing this from you, I insisted. She was serious. I clenched my jaw to stop the tears, fixed my eyes at a spot in the red floor. Seeing nothing, but hearing my whole world come crashing down, invisible yet right before my naked eyes.

The life I led with her - where I was not a ruthless student, a cold sibling, or a talented classmate, but just a caring guy who is deeply in love - was in a state of calamity. I just thought, all I know is dying.

But then, just as sudden as the words to sever our relationship were said, they stopped. To be replaced by me begging, please don't do this, I'll never live with it, I could die; in fact I was dead that moment. And miraculously, she listened to what I pleaded. She felt the same way. What we had was too good, too extraordinary, too rare, to just end that way.

Then there we were. Building up what blocks we broke from our relationship with her tearjerking words that felt like hammers in my head. It stunned me how fast my world was shattered - but it was more stunning to see how quickly she put its fragmented pieces together again.

-----

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I CAN BREATHE AGAIN.

My life with Nagj was fixed and very stable when I arrived home; we promised each other not to think of all the bad things that happened this fateful day.

Turns out I never outran chaos after all. It was waiting at home in the form of a crying Mama, because she can never understand why I never stayed home long, why I swore continually, and that it was not her whom I was saying the bad words to, but at life and how it sucked even in a single moment without Nagj.

And, I don't know what would happen tomorrow, except that it would mean more chaos. It could mean that I cannot have money from Mom, cannot lounge at thePillars office.

Or worst, cannot take my time with Nagj anymore.

Which hurts. Because as I was telling Nagj earlier, take everything away from me and strip me of my luxuries - I wouldn't care, if she is still with me.

-----

Wish me luck on my life with Nagj. Because as of the moment, I am not living for anything else.

-----

I Don't Think That You Even Realize The Joy You Make Me Feel When I'm Inside Your Universe.

2009-02-23T02:49:00.002+08:00

I had a verbal fight with my biological mom today.

I don't want to go into details, but I felt really hurt about the things she said. What she actually pressed upon me is the fact that we don't even send her messages at least once a week while she is working at Saudi. What the fuck can I do if I haven't got the money for the P15-worth text messages from here to a country a million miles away?

I hate the fact that I tried, and still trying, to be more than polite to her - to make her feel that though I do not care for her much as I do for Mama, she matters to me. But to her, nobody matters except Tito Donald and Ate Chai. Everything else - me, my brothers, the rest of the family - is nonexistent, except when we stay up late or come home later than usual.

Some people are really good at turning you breathless with anger in five seconds or less. The creature with all the luggages and the food and the money, who is now snoring loudly in what is supposed to be my room, is exactly that.

-----

I wish I could just lie asleep next to Nagj like we did the past two evenings at the immersion. I don't know - like there's a warm bubble simmering quietly inside me whenever I feel her beside me.

-----

46 Ang Waist, 58 Ang Bra - 350 Pounds Na Gumigiling Sa Kalsada . . .

2009-02-10T07:51:00.003+08:00

Hindi ko talaga alam kung anong nangyari.

Nagsimula ang lahat sa unang Miyerkules ng Pebrero, noong pinagpipilitan kong ipasok ang ano sa butas. Nagpumilit talaga ako - bumatak, hinatak, gumulong, tumihaya, tumuwad, tumambling, nag-acrobatics - pero hindi ko talaga mapagkasya ang butones ng aking paboritong pantalon sa dapat kalagyan nito. Rawr! Napaliguan ko tuloy ng mura ang naturang pantalon, kawawa naman, Bench pa naman yun. Eksakto naman sya sa aking waistline dati. What the hell?!

Napansin ko rin sa mga lumipas na araw na ang aking uniporme, na eksakto rin dati sa akin, ay banat na banat na sa akin. Kapag umuupo tuloy ako, halos lumuwa na ang aking kaluluwa - este, bilbil na dati ay halos nonexistent naman.

What am I gonna do with myself?! Kahit si Nagj ay inaamin na rin na lumolobo nga talaga ang asawa nyang pusa, bagamat ikinatuwa niya ito dahil ang ibig sabihin daw ay naaalagaan ka niyang mabuti. Ako naman, sa aking opinyon, ito ay dahilan sa pagpilit sa akin ni Mama na uminom ng sandamakmak na gatas, na madalas nakakapagpakati ng aking balat at nakakasakit ng sikmura . . . Saklolo! Tabachoy na ako!

I've got to feel you in my bones again. [Or, Nagj and coffee talk.]

2009-01-07T16:55:00.008+08:00

I am a rather fussy person when it comes to coffee.

But my fussiness over it pales in comparison when it's my wife we're talking about.

-----

Mornings come.

And when they do, I watch them come while drinking coffee from a Mickey Mouse mug, which I do almost everyday. I'm afraid I cannot make a very satisfactory coffee - but in the house, I do mine with one-and-a half teaspoon of coffee, two spoons of sugar and preferably, half a spoon of coffee creamer [I mean ordinary spoons on the sugar and creamer].

Usually what we have in the house is Nescafe, slightly brown sugar, and original flavor of Nescafe creamer [forgot the exact name, but it has this cream-colored container]. Though personally I'd prefer Maxwell House coffee, Grand-something-Davidoff café [some damned-long-brand from Switzerland, which a relative sent to us] or even Costa Rica Peaberry [Costa Rican coffee which Folgers' and Starbucks use, yay!], plus a simple Hazelnut or French Vanilla-flavored creamer will do.

My friend Jenn is very good at making coffee. I love the iced caffe mocha and caramel frappe at Starbucks. The next-to-best coffee I've drunk was at a breakfast somewhere out the country [don't ask where].

Why next-to-best? Because the best coffee [or comparison to coffee] I've ever had was right here in the Philippines - brewed in Ligao, now planted in Ateneo de Naga, best when enjoyed alone, inexpensive yet priceless. Nagj.

-----

The start of all of these things came I changed my layout lately - I attributed this to New Year, which was usually a time when I change my layout. For me, it's a requirement for myself - a habit that I, a habit-hating creature, would like to stick on to.

And then, someone asked me yesterday about it.
"Why the layout? Why the line 'It feels like cappucino?' "

I merely said that I was ~~and still am~~ addicted to coffee, aside from the fact that I liked the layout's mild colors. But actually, that was not my only reason.

I chose the layout specifically because it describes the way I feel about her - exactly the same way as coffee.

-----

There was the line 'It feels like cappucino' on the layout -
yes, her kisses feels like cappucino: bitter because we both know we shouldn't be kissing each other in the first place. Yet they are sweeter and even more sensual than any coffee I've ever tasted. They delve deeper into the brain, and leaves a pleasant taste on the mouth.

And there was also this line 'some things are just hard to describe until you taste it' -
the tangy taste of coffee is bitterly delicious, hard to explain. Just like her.
Here I'll never be able to decipher what makes her so special, and yet when we are together, she is the greatest thing I know. Love is like that, made even warmer, tastier, and happier especially because she loves me back.

-----

Insomnia

Sabi ni mama,
‘di naman daw epektibong panggising at
pampalisto ang kape,
kaya’t okey lang na uminom nito bago
mahiga sa katre.

Ayon pa kay Mama,
dati’y pinangarap niya rin daw ang
mag-asawa kasi
may yayakap at magpapakalma sa kanya
sa gabi.

Ayoko nang magpapaniwala kay Mama
dahil kapag nariyan ang kape’t aking asawa sa tabi,
nag-iinit lang ako’t lalong
‘di nakakatulog.

-----

Which is, overall, how I can describe Nagie and coffee to the best of my ability.

-----

Sana di na kami magkatampuhan bukas. Ako naman kasi. Haay. Nagj, sorry. =< -----

Please Don't Tell Me That I'm The Only One Who's Vulnerable.

2009-01-06T07:56:00.003+08:00

[A reply to Conch and Nagj's posts.] =)

-----

You don't know it, but you actually know more about my 'weirdnesses' compared to Ate Chai or even some of my closest friends.

I get romantic at the scent of your hair.

There is no safest place in the world except in your arms. ^_^

I love it when you listen patiently to my rants.

If I had the time [and money, perhaps] I would always cook for you.

Every after dinner that we're together, I just want to take you home with me.

I'll never tire of staring at your face.

When you turn your back to me and walk away, I just want to grab you, hug you, and stay that way forever.

When you go home to Ligao, I often read your blog and your text messages - and they never fail to make my heart jump.

When I hold your hand, I don't ever want to let it go.

I immediately feel jealous whenever you mention Ben, Kuya Grey, or any other guys linked to you - sometimes you notice that, sometimes you don't.

When I'm making you notice I'm jealous, I just want you to hug me and tell me you'll never want anyone other than me. [sounds selfish.]

When it's raining hard and we're sharing an umbrella, I have this urge to dispose of the umbrella and kiss you in the rain. [romantic!]

I always want to sing your favorite songs for you - if only I had a great voice.

When you sing to me, I can't help but smile.

I catch my breath when you suddenly embrace me.

When I see that ring in your fingers, I wish it would stay there forever.

-----

Mushy, but I wish you knew.

Cause if your love is all I have in this life, that would be enough until the end of time.

2008-12-30T16:10:00.003+08:00

I have just come from Cabanatuan, plus some shopping and running around in Manila.

I would've liked to tell you more details, but I dunno - I'm just too lazy right now. Maybe later.

-----

And me? Today I am engrossed in a new idea, and I'm off pursuing it. =]

I don't know when this new idea will come in handy anyway. Our first anniversary perhaps, or on her 19th birthday. Well. I'll be able to share it with you someday.

-----

She is in Manila now. We met, with some crazy quirks and drama, in Megamall last December 28.

Yes, I am missing her. Well. So long.

-----

Tomorrow, probably, I'd get out of this passive phase, and make a decent post for crying out loud.

A happy New Year to you all, people.

-----

Too Much Love Drives a Man Insane.

2008-12-14T17:56:00.005+08:00

I am so harassed on what I am gonna do on Tuesday.
December 16.
My wife's 18th birthday.
Rawr!

-----

Okay. For now I've got almost everything; all I need is to work in the kitchen, learn how to build tents, and find these things: cream, ground pork, cheese, pepper, and candles. Whew.

Plus, I badly hope it won't rain. Whew. Not on Tuesday night.

And oh, I need a fucking player or keyboard! Care to lend me one?

-----

For every cent that I use and every step I take in finding things for her, sometimes I almost want to stop.

But when I remember how special she is, and how happy she would be once she sees the outcome of my efforts, well . . . I can't help but smile and continue.

-----

So, here I am in Nagie's debut mode! =]

I can show you how I dream away everyday.

2008-12-13T11:20:00.006+08:00

It was such an awfully beautiful day when I woke up at nine. The sun was shining great, there was a good breeze shaking up the trees outside my window, and the whole scene was a total opposite of the dreary gray weather Naga City has been experiencing yesterday and the days before that.

Meowr! In short, the sunny day was a great temptation for a sun-loving cat like me. [Yes, I hate rainy days now. I'm not emo anymore so why bother?]

I forced myself to get out of bed and get ready for that nasty World Literature class at 10.30, asking myself all the while why the fuck did I get the stupid Friday-Saturday schedule of the subject when I could've just roamed around with 23 units anyway. Yeah I liked WorldLit with its stories and all, but what I don't like is my bunch of classmates - they're so, like, elitists and they can make you feel like the foolish first-year you're supposed to be.

So I ate my favorite breakfast - cornflakes drenched in milky coffee, and a lot of plain bread - in bed, staring out our dusty screened window. Just daydreaming of that perfect day outside perhaps, or thinking of my wife, who's at Ligao at this moment. Sigh.

I don't know what happened. Maybe it was just my wishful thinking that such a beautiful day shouldn't be spent cooped up inside Ateneo's halls of learning while dissecting literature with elitist people. But I entered our CR to take a bath at a quarter to ten, and never came out until a quarter to eleven.

And when I glanced at the clock the moment I was outside that CR, I was transfixed. What have I been doing in there that took me a whole hour? Well. I was fifteen minutes late anyway, and already marked absent in Ma'am Borja-Prado's attendance sheet.

I just don't know. I was bothered that I nonchalantly skipped class despite my expensive tuition, but at the same time relieved that after all, I can spend the day outside. Mostly I just thought of what Nagj would say about it, but I consoled myself with the fact that I could use this day to prepare more for her birthday.

Okay. Which is how I came to be typing away in a neat little comshop near UNC.

-----

I was on my way here when I came across my former classmate [and former crush] Akimi Uy at Willprint. She was wearing a UNC shirt and still had those fine doe eyes I once adored. Our conversation ran like this:

Me: I didn't know na sa UNC ka pala pumapasok.
Akimi: Di ko rin sya inexpect. Hehe. Ikaw, saan?
Me: Ateneo. Nursing ka rin?
Akimi: Hehe. No way. Entrep ako.
Me: Uhh, right. Well. Have to go.
Akimi: Hehe. Ang laki ng boobs mo.
Me: [walking away] I know. That's why I flaunt it.

I managed to hide my uneasiness by joking about what she said. But frankly, I was stunned - nobody had said that to me in years except Ate Chai, who's got this gigantic bust as well. Akimi used to tell me back in first year high school that my, uh, was probably my greatest asset, plus the fact that she actually envies the damnable boobs and wishes she could do hers like mine. What the crap?! Mine's not humongous anyway - I use B34's [now you know, Akimi!] and I don't think that's too fucking large.

The hell I care about it anyway. Nagj doesn't complain about the boobs, she only tells me I'm chubby. But then, we rarely talk about these things. Which is good, or she'd probably taunt me Boobie or something.

-----

I just wanted to share this photo of me and my wife. I don't know why but I really find it cute. It shows us, uhm, communicating? with Pigilita, her pig purse. Hehe.

Or probably, what I like about it is the fact that we'd really look cute with a baby. And preferably, one larger than Pigilita and one with stripes. Toinx.

Well. I've got to start being productive in the computer now. Ciao!

-----

I Need You Like I've Never Needed Anyone Before.

2008-12-03T18:50:00.004+08:00

I just learned that he is not my friend on fs anymore.

It must have been that way about a long long time ago, and I am punching myself repeatedly, retardedly, because I never noticed that until today. Sigh. Stupid me. My once closest friend, now detached as if we never met. And I, I just watched that happen. What a fool.

Sigh. The world is so bent on making me feel alone.

-----

She and I had a petty quarrel today.

She left at 3pm before Christology, with both of us feeling bitter towards each other. I could not quite believe it - she once told me she could never bear us being cold with each other every end of the day. Yet when our last class ended at 4.30, I could not find her anywhere. She had really left for her two-hour-away home.

And the last thing I said to her was about how hurt I was, and how mataray she is when I was trying to pacify her. Cool, just cool.

I hung about the office for a bit and passed our usual haunts - the University Church, the batibots, Kuya Guard's table in Xavier Hall - while hoping, against hope, that she's somehow turn up with that usual lovely smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes.

But of course, all my efforts were futile. She was nowhere to be found, and I haven't kissed her goodbye or even held her hand in the duration of the whole day.

She was gone for real. Without the two of us being ok.

-----

"I don't deserve her. I mean, she's too good just to be owned by someone as useless as me," I lamented to our friend Jenn.

"Bakit kasi ganyan lagi ang iniisip mo? Dapat ang iniisip mo, I need to be deserving for her!" Jenn said back. And the last line felt like a slap in my face.

-----

Someone told me earlier that one of her dearest friends had leukemia.

It was bizarre, it was unbelievable. I said, but leukemia only happens to rich people. Leukemia only exists in the movies and the media. Leukemia does not happen to ordinary people, like you and me and the rest of the guys we all know.

But it was for real. Leukemia did happen to her dear friend. And it was obvious on her face how difficult it was for her, for me, for everybody, to grasp the consequences behind leukemia. The consequences behind death.

Which means that nobody knows what would happen to all of us today or tomorrow: we may be deeply in love today, and tomorrow, that person you deeply love suddenly has leukemia or any other life-threatening disease, a threat that might just be the cause of your falling out of love.

-----

I took a tricycle ride home. And the driver and one of his passengers were just talking about death when I hitched in.

The passenger, a fat fortyish unremarkable woman, had a hanky pressed to her eyes as she spoke in a garbled voice. "Pinagalitan ko pa man din yun kasi gabing-gabi na umuwi kahapon, tapos yung anak nya, hinahanap na sya. Tapos ngayon, ayun na pala, nakaratay na sa BMC."

"Ay sus, manay," Manong Driver said. "Wag kanang magtaka. Walang mila-milagro sa patay e, sa buhay lang yan nangyayari."

Who would have thought an uneducated tricycle driver could say such truthfully beautiful words?

-----

I walked after the trike dropped me at the corner of Arana. Walked, just walked. Walked and walked and walked to nowhere, seeking nothing, thought of nobody. Nobody but her.

She's too damned special to me. I love her. And I know she loves me back. But I am pushing her away with my words and my pride, and who knows when she'll tire and allow herself to be pushed away?

I've had a taste of being alone. In fact, I was alone until she came.

And before she came, being alone felt so bad. I don't want to be left alone.

-----

You Can Have Whatever You Like, Nagj.

2008-11-23T16:31:00.004+08:00

You would laugh at the things I'm searching for in Internet search engines right now:

1] Chocolate cake recipes
2] Cool wedding proposals
3] Romantic Maroon 5 songs

Can you guess what's coming up? Nope. Haha. That's good.

-----

I'm quite busy right now - there is that adjustment stage in the second sem schedule, and thePillars is working me unholy hours like a horse. Hateful, but much as I am being harassed for this idea and that statement and the nerve-racking interviews of different faces, I am enjoying it. Especially because my wife is often there, working alongside.

-----

A belated happy birthday to Nikko. And oh, where's the URL for your layout?

Consider my maintainance of you blog as a birthday present. Heehee.

-----

Making Love To You Was Never Second Best.

2008-11-11T19:23:00.004+08:00

I had the greatest stroke of luck when I married my beautiful, sensitive, honest, caring and sweet wife - Nagie.

I mean, you couldn't find a better girl anywhere else. I could go on describing her with all great adjectives if only you'd listen, but then I know you'd tire of reading about someone else's mushy-drooling-over-love rants. But then, you get the idea.

Somehow, all those lousy ex-girlfriends and crushes I've had since way back grade school combined won't even measure up to her. [Sorry to the exes who happen to read my blog.] I would sound extra-mushy, but I think God finally saw how sincere I am when I fall for someone, and at last, He decided to give me someone who really deserves all the great effort I do.

-----

Something happened yesterday in Nagj's boarding house, a few steps from Ateneo, at about eight-thirty. There was a brownout, and we had been sitting on her bed, but we were getting ready to leave . . .

. . . a very awkward and embarrassing moment which I thought I can share with all the people on the blogosphere.

But on second thought, I just can't say it. Maybe someday. One of these days. When I'm over all the shame I've felt right after that moment passed by.

And the term is not actually 'shame'. Yesterday night, I was fucking MORTIFIED. But because I've got this really understanding wife, she told me what happened was okay and very much acceptable, she didn't mind, and I shouldn't worry and I should just forget what happened.

Forget what happened, my foot. What happened was the best candidate to write down in the "Most embarrassing moment" questions on autograph books. I'll probably never move on.

-----

My wife looks like she's about to come down with a fever tonight. Nagj has been very fragile lately - she just had a root canal and has to wear these loosely-attached temporary teeth for the meantime, she's got a bad case of colds and cough that requires her to wear this surgical-looking face mask, and she had this back pain later this afternoon.

She felt really bad that she actually asked our ed-in-chief, Ate Marj, if she could go back to her boarding house and just skip the General Assembly our paper was having at about six. Ate Marj agreed, but it was obvious in her face how important the meeting was.

I wasn't able to stay still on my seat a minute after Nagj was gone. It was probably obvious in my face, because when I went to my fellow Pillars staff Piwi and Ekai and told them outright that I wanted to leave and see how Nagj was doing, they urged me to go, and added that they would cover up for me.

So I went home and got an umbrella [it was raining badly]. I have this theory that Nagj is often sick these days because she's not eating well [we both skip meals]. So I went to Bakers' Plaza and bought bread, which I figured Nagj could eat tomorrow morning before her 7:30 class; then I bought goto, which Ekai said would probably do a feverish person good. I would have bought medicine if I only knew what medicine is good for colds.

Anyway, I felt shy when I stopped in front of Nagj's a while ago - I had been loitering there since what - last Saturday? - and I was thinking that Nagj's roommates Lyn, Jaja and Gles might be getting tired of me already [I brought Nagj a lot of food that she can share with them, in case this was true].

But just as I was brooding over this, the gate opened - Gles and Lyn came out, spotted me, and immediately invited me inside because 'grabe ang sakit ni Nagj'.

"Sigurado kayo?" I asked. "Di pa kayo napapagod sakin?"

"Duh! Para yan lang," Gles countered, and almost dragged me right inside.

Once inside, I felt really helpless on spotting Nagj curled up in bed; I persuaded her to eat while she seemed really bothered that I made an effort to make her feel okay. While she ate, she kept on joking that I should find another wife, one who is prettier and healthier and such, and before she dies, she would help me find a better wife. I only laughed, said I wasn't interested in finding another, and told her, "Ayoko pang mabiyudo."

I insisted on serving her with water and all other small things I could do for her. I forced her to finish the goto and repeated over and over again that she should eat the bread tomorrow morning. I even washed the dishes where she ate in afterwards. I didn't want to see her overexerting herself - I wanted her lying in bed and resting. But she hovered over me while I was in the sink, and suddenly hugged me as I was soaping the glasses.

Which was the best payment a wife could give for her husband's efforts in making her feel better.

-----

I have just recently discovered that Nagj's last ex, Ben, was the feature and sports editor back at their high school, and their class valedictorian.

Nagj showed me the messages Ben texted her last Sunday. And when I read the damn messages, I can't help but be jealous. Not only because they sounded like he was asking Nagj for another chance, but also because of the realization that hey, there is someone somewhere in this region who knows how to catch my wild attention span with his writing - and he is my wife's ex, for chrissake!

Yeah. The messages stuck in the gut for days afterward, even until this very moment. For real. He wrote good, he sounded good, and the momentum on the conclusion of his messages was good.

Especially that last line on one of his texts, which went like, "Someday we'll be together again. And one day, we'll share that promised bus ride." And I was like, "Awwww!" Because he hit me hard with that wishful ending, and the feeling only intensified when Nagj only chuckled and said that won't happen.

Once she said that, I actually sympathized with Ben for a split second - which shows how moved I was by his writing. I actually thought, What bitter ending it is, because one day, you'll realize you'll never share that promised bus ride.

-----

Somewhere in my brain, one nerve is screaming that I should be the one who'll be there for you.

It's just a pity that the rest of my nerves are screaming that I'll never be reasonable anymore if I do just that.

-----

Things Are Shaping Up To Be Pretty Odd.

2008-11-04T15:07:00.003+08:00

First, the updates on my life during my loooong absence:

I am married. Not legally, of course. And my wife and I don't even live together under the same roof. But well, it's quite fun to be married, someone waits for you and feeds you and bothers when you haven't got enough money for tuition fees. Of course, that's not all of it, but I'd rather not tell you about the better benefits. Heehee.

I am still stuck with thePillars publication. I keep on saying myself that one day I'm going to leave, when I've had enough of the bloody activisms at Quince Martires and Kuya Grey's irritating mumung attitude and when Kuya Jed graduates. That was exactly what I said back in first year high school when Ma'am Macabebe Laurente was still ordering me around for Naguenian. Four years later I was still there, with nothing but a Campus Journalism certificate to show for it.

I have seen Aira and all of Xing and Co. during the sembreak. Thankfully. Even Anna, whom I spotted at the Calabanga cemetery last Nov.1 and whom I even thought as a hallucination.

I am still enrolled at Ateneo de Naga and still on AB Communication, to answer the questions of my Osiris ex-classmate who keeps on nagging me to shift to BS IT. Dear classmate, you wish.

My long-coveted sembreak is officially at end tonight - it seemed like I have barely slept through the days and then they all just flew out the window. What the fuck happened to all those empty hours when I thought I'd spend doing nothing? Rawr. Give me back my sembreak!

-----

Anyway. I've been spending the last day of sembreak reading all of my buddies' blogs. Somehow I have been left out with what they're all doing, especially Nikko. But well, I had to laugh when I read his post about how Xing and Co. became friends. His first impression with me, quoting from his blog:

Roxanne Jessa Jacutan : isang mayabang na nilalang.. (peace din tau haha..)
2nd year.. c nax naman ang nakklc ko.. sa una kong kita sa kanya ay nayabangan ako sa kanya.. hmm d naman talaga xa nag yabang.. ung aura nya lang ang tindig parang ang yabang anyway..

There's something about me which people really find boastful. Intimidating, even. Maybe it's about the way I speak or the way I dress, which Nagj constantly describes as konyo. Wtf.

-----

Nagj and I have astronomically-far schedules on the second sem, and tomorrow I'm wondering how am I going to adjust. [sigh] We're classmates on only two subjects - Biology and NSTP - since I am not required to attend SRA anymore, and she is not on my section on the Communication subject.

Too bad. I'll never get used to it. Especially because we used to sit together in front during Comm and copy loads of notes, then get sleepy and wait patiently for Sir Toots to dismiss us. And then afterwards I'd escort her back to thePillars office or anywhere she's going . . . those were the days.

And those days are now reduced to half. Damn.

-----

I got a QPI of 3.625 on the first sem - which is basically high in Ateneo terms, considering that the highest grade you could get is 4 and you have to get a 3.2 to be a Dean's Lister.

Which was my original dream upon entering college. And apparently, I surpassed that dream without really trying [I'm not bragging or anything, I was really lazy this first sem]. My grade passed the 3.5 mark, which was the required QPI to be a President's Lister. Woohoo!

But to burst my balloon, I can't be a PL.

Because I've got a below-3.2 grade in Basic Algebra - which was 2.5, a C+. The moment I saw it I was like, "POTAHNGEENA! FUCK MA'AM SOLIS TO DEEEEEEAAAAATH!!!" because I keep on repeating to anyone who'd listen that the subject was too easy and a joke - I even told Mama it should've been called Very Very Basic Algebra.

Now look at the irony of life. Very Very Basic Algebra and yet I failed. Mama's gonna kill.

-----

I miss my wife badly.

You're gonna say, "What the heck, you're gonna see her tomorrow, can't you fucking wait?!"

Fuck you too. I want to see her NOW.

But with nothing to consider, they forget my name [Naxcz, Naxcz, Naxcz!]

2008-11-03T19:53:00.003+08:00

I have been neglecting my blog for the past month without meaning to.

And I noticed it only when I looked at my chatbox and realized that all the messages there were unanswered. [sigh]

So here I am, rising from the dead to blog again.

I wanted a new start, so I changed my url. The dreamcatchnackie.blogspot.com was too long and too damned hard to type, so I've moved to naxczmachinery.blogspot.com. [I would have wanted to get the naxczmachine again, but Blogspot won't allow me because someone is apparently using that already - what the hell?!] Plus I changed my layout again, and I'm planning to change even the details of my sidebars.

And it seemed like I've been gone so long that I don't know how to blog already. Whew. Next time I'll try my best not to ignore Naxczmachinery too long. Blogs are just like people - they also become eyesores when ignored.

Anyway. I'll be blogging more this semester [I hope]. Ciao.

Five Reasons Why I Don't Find Time To Blog Now.

2008-09-24T18:02:00.003+08:00

It's something when she counts how many kisses have I given her since we met.

My mouth suddenly dries up from nervousness when, out of the blue, she suddenly makes the move to take my hand.

I find an interesting, fulfilling-but-not-really-productive pastime when I stare at her face while we're doing something or nothing.

And it's nasty to admit, but she takes up the whole of my mind every day, whether it be Physics or Basic Algebra or even when we're having lunch and already facing each other.

There's rarely a day that we don't quarrel over anything significant or not, but those fights often end up with both of us saying how important the other is.

Cheesy, but you'll have to admit, it's rare to find love.

I need your loving hands to come and pick me up.

2008-09-06T19:49:00.002+08:00

Tanginang buhay.

At akala ko pa naman ay magiging masaya ang araw ko ngayon, kahit pa hindi pa ako kumakain at natutulog buong araw. Tanginang buhay. Mali na naman.

Nakakainis. Ayokong lumapit sa kanya kaninang pauwi na ko. At sa kada hakbang nya, uurong ako. Kasi alam ko na pag hinawakan nya ko, maiiyak ako. Maiiyak talaga ako.

Tanga talaga ako minsan eh. Kaya ayoko ng nagpapahiram ng panyo sa umiiyak. Kahit pa sya ang pinahiram ko. Kasi either hindi nya na ibabalik yun, o baka ako naman ang umiyak maya-maya.

Apat na metro ang layo ko sa kanya. Magkaharap kami. At noong nagkasundo na kami kung anong oras magsisimba bukas, tumalikod na ko. Walang pakundangan, walang paalam. Dali-daling hakbang palayo. At di na ko lumingon. Para saan pa?

Mahilig syang humabol, pero di nya ngayon ginawa yun. Buti na lang. Kasi, pagtalikod ko, naiyak na talaga ko.

Tangina yan.

I Think God Can Explain.

2008-09-06T11:09:00.005+08:00

Stupid. Stupid. Fucking stupid.

I virtually had no sleep today. I arrived home yesterday at 8:30pm, slept at about 11pm, and woke up at 12am to finish my feature story on fraternities for thePillars. But then what the fuck - until now I haven't finished the damned article, even though I stayed at writing it from 12am up to before I left the house to come here to the comshop.

[stomach rumbles.] Uh-oh. And I haven't eaten breakfast yet. Neither did I have lunch.

And now, I suddenly realized I have to submit a reaction paper in Theology regarding the two Genesis stories of creation at my 12pm class. Jeez. I have been staring at the blank Microsoft Word paper for half an hour now, probably hoping the words might materialize. And they won't. Whew. Gone was my reputation of cramming two-page reaction papers in twenty minutes back in high school. Tss.

Anyway. I'm actually contemplating not showing up for Theology. But oh no, if I don't get to class today, I'd be given a failure due to absence mark. Nooooo.

Sometimes I wish there's more to days than twenty-four hours. A thirty-hour day would be very fine. Days are too damned short for us to enjoy life.

Well, I'll probably continue ranting later. Ciao.

Let Me Be The One Who Calls You Baby All The Time.

2008-08-30T14:16:00.004+08:00

I am having difficulties with budgeting my money.

Sure, my spending ability with Nagj isn't as large as it was when I was with Rain back then. Nagj isn't demanding and usually understands the fact that I have no money, but with Rain, I sure have to prepare an astronomical sum every time we go out.

But then, the problem is, I am not being given as much money as I've had before.

So there's the allowance, which is being put on hold until September because of that fateful acquaintance party of AS. That would amount to only P400 or so.

And with that, I have to buy these things:

1] A new cologne. Preferably from Oxygen or Aficionado, but Penshoppe/Bench will do.
2] A capo for my guitar. I am itching to learn Stay by Chris Cayzer but it sucks at a capo-less guitar.
3] New shirt. Of course.
4] New shorts/pants. Not really a necessity, but I want those checkered styles notorious in teenagers today.
5] New shoes. Vans are getting out of style but I still want them. And I'd want girly shoes this time too.
6] A small gift for Mi Cara. Nothing fancy, just something for her to remember me when I'm not around or something.

Plus, my blockmate Dom is inviting all of us CC11 to spend our sembreak at Caramoan. CARAMOAN! I've been dying to go there. Ma'am VDD, our NSTP teacher, is going to come too so I think it would be easy to ask permission.

But then, the money. How the heck could I fit P400 in all these things?

-----

Anyway. I don't want to agonize over the freaking lack of money.

I'm having a hard time learning the piano intro of Rivermaya's 214. Yeah, I love the song, and Nagj loves it too. So I just badly want to learn it! Whew. Can someone guide me puh-leaase?

I've already figured out all the notes. The problem is that I find it nasty to play them together smoothly all at the same time.

But what the heck. I've got the intro in guitar anyway. Haha.

-----

Ateneo is slowly losing its reputation as the freestyle-dressing school.

Just this week, because of the fucking PAASCU bwisit-tors, wearing rubber slippers is now forbidden. Which is very unfavorable for me, who's got at least two pairs of Bench and Oxygen slippers each. All rubber. And all being constantly used for school. Wtf.

I went to Ateneo today at about ten-thirty wearing my red Bench slippers. And just when I was about to enter the gate, the lady guard looked down at my foot and - well, there was the damn slippers.

Since I've been listed in the OSA for two times already and this would be the third, I've had enough - I turned my back to the gate and hurried home to change into red Chucks-type sneakers. And I returned at about eleven, where the lady guard had a nasty smirk on her face upon seeing my shoes.

Fuck the guard. Those minutes I wasted going back home could've been spent with Nagj, who was waiting for me at thePillars office.

-----

I've taken to calling Mi Cara 'babyq' and 'dangatq' [my beloved] and when I tried the term on her earlier, she suddenly had this abashed smile on her face.

And later on, she asked me, "Pang-ilan na ba kong tinawag mo ng ganyan?"

Well, the 'babyq' term was overused. There's Gwen and Lois and Sam and a whole lot other girls.

But 'dangatq' - she's got that title all to herself.

-----

Missing her. She's going home to Ligao, and I dropped her off at the bus terminal a while ago.

I'm tripping on words, you've got my head spinning.

2008-08-25T18:17:00.006+08:00

I'm so freaking happy I could burst.

Yes, I was sleepless from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. But what the heck?! - that's nothing compared to the EUPHORIA I feel.

-----

Because I was with her the whole Saturday and Sunday, and come to think of it, though we were both too damned busy for the Journalism Festival, we found time to talk about so many things, sleep side by side, and to hold hands.

-----

Her hands are small and kinda chubby and very cute.

They're very graceful and aristocratic compared to my rough, ugly, farmer-like ones.

But what the heck again, what matters is the fact that her hands fit exactly into mine.

-----

And yes, I changed my layout.

Why the camera on top? Because she loves photography.

And for that sheer simple childish reason, she can change not only my layout, but my whole damn world.

-----

We were together the whole of Saturday and Sunday, and yesterday when we were about to go to church at about eight pm, Jeniperr asked her,

"Kumusta naman ang araw mo?
Hindi naman kaya buong araw mong kasama si Naxcz?"

And she actually said,

"Ang saya-saya ko. Sobrang saya."

I can do nothing but smile.

-----

I Wanna Treat You Like A Queen.

2008-08-20T19:43:00.004+08:00

Yey!

The biggest news of today?

Umamin na sya saken. HAHAHA.

The feeling is now mutual. Hindi rin ako makapaniwala, pero pareho pala kaming hindi lamang infatuated or what - may spark ang akin, at may spark rin sya. NYAHAHA.

[parang posporo. spark ba naman. haha]

Hindi na ko natigil kakatawa. Baka maiyak naman ako nito kung kelan ah.

-----

Anyway. Masaya nga ko kasi mutual ang feeling. Pero linawin natin: wala kami pareho planong mangyari.

-----

Kaso, ~~I am freakin' falling harder for this person each day.~~

Mali na ata yun.

Alcohol, Alcohol, Utak Mo'y Buhul-buhol.

2008-08-18T15:54:00.003+08:00

I won't be drinking for a while.

Because something happened yesterday evening, when I was drowning myself in a lot of Matador and iced tea chasers.

This happened right after our outreach at Buhi, about five-thirty in the afternoon. After dropping off Nagj and Kate at the university church, I hooked up with some of my blockmates, and without any second thoughts, decided to give my remaining P60 to John and proceed to getting into a lot of alcohol.

Of course, I was doing this at my bad-influence blockmate John's boarding house, with John, Kim and her bf Robin, Jhaz, Mary Rose, and Kim and Pusi, Kim no.1's other buddies from ComSci. Malean, JM, and Miya was there too, but they weren't drinking.

It was probably at our second Matador bottle when it happened, and just at that time when I was contemplating on lighting up one of the Marlboro Lights that Jhaz was presenting me.

What happened? You could guess. What else, but the arrival of my two most angelic friends - Kate and Nagj.

But that's not all that happened, because that was just the start of the downfall of my whole evening. Of course I was already tipsy - I hate Matador because five shots of it can take me down - and what happened next was proof that I was, at that time, already dead-drunk.

-----

But then, I lack time to tell you about it. Guess I'll narrate the full story next time.

-----

I changed my url for security purposes.

And I was actually thinking of changing my whole layout and all, but I can't find any other outstanding purple layouts except for the one I'm using right now. Tss.

-----

John just texted me, complaining of terribly aching body parts. I can't blame him; we must've downed three large Matadors, and before I left at about ten, Ralph and Bryan, out other blockmates, have arrived and they were just about to open another bottle.

For my part, I can't even walk straight, and good thing Mama never noticed anything when I arrived at our apartment a few blocks away from John's.

And I woke up this morning with a very bad headache too. Awch.

Today, I wonder how I managed to take Nagj home last night after that three Matadors. I don't even know how I got home.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right; doesn't mean i'm in love tonight.

2008-08-14T18:04:00.010+08:00

Because of unexplainable circumstances that could simply be explained by "It's a long story", my blog has undergone VERY MAJOR CONSTRUCTION.

Meaning all mention of some person once really terribly damn important to my life is erased.

And, meaning, I can shout out that I'M VERY MUCH SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE AGAIN!

-----

Yeah right. I'm a self-confessed drinker/smoker now.

Yesterday I promised Jhaz, one of my blockmates, that after the outreach this Sunday we'd drink lots of Matador at John's boarding house, plus smoke maybe two or three packs of Marlboro Lights.

Before our midterms in Physics last week, I drank a jumbo Red Horse with some other blockmates at John's - which was probably the cause of my miserably failed 16/34 exam.

This month alone, I must've attended drinking sessions thrice.

But no, I'm not a hardcore smoker. In fact, I can hardly finish a single Lights. I was actually thinking of doing hardcore smoking after the outreach.

And yeah, I hear a lot of negative reactions. But please, just leave me alone for a while, and all this would probably pass.

-----

My deepest condolences for our friend Vicsel Ojeda's father.

-----

I think it's time you meet my blockmates.

Standing, left to right: Dodz, me, Mich, Jhaz, Nico, Nagj, Kate, Guia. Seated, top, left to right: Miya, Malean, Conch. Lower: Contessa, John.

Standing, left to right: Nagj, Dodz, Miya, me, Jhaz, John, Conch. Seated, left to right: Ralph, Guia, Nico, Malean, Kate, Contessa, Cha, Michelle.

Nagj and Kate. They're often my companions because we are all writers at thePillars. Someone told me Nagj looks like a celebrity. =]

Aww, lacking time. I'll try to post more pictures of them sometime.

Yeah, some of them are bad influences. But then some of them are also angelic people, studious, nerdy types. And oh, of course all of them are worth knowing. =]

I let go; there's just no one that gets me like you do.

2008-08-05T20:51:00.005+08:00

Acting numb is really difficult, but so is acting dumb . . .

-----

Haha. Wala lang. Proof lang na hindi ako tanga.

Marunong naman akong umimbento ng quotes. Tulad ng naka-highlight dyan sa taas. Someday, makikita nyo yan na opening line sa isang bestseller na libro, o sa pirated na DVD ng isang top 1 movie sa Hollywood, at kapag tiningnan nyo ang author/filmmaker, ay mababasa nyo ang pangalan ko in very very bold letters. Naxcz Jacutan. Haha. Ambisyosa.

Pero, aywan ko. Kanina pa ko nawiwindang sa sarili ko. Kasi sa aking high school na sikat na lungga ng mga scientists, ay ako ang pinakabobo pagdating sa Physics at English at kung anuano pang subjects aside sa recess.

Pero ewan ko talaga - dahil nung pag-prelims namin ay ako [raw] ang highest sa exam sa Study and Thinking Skills, otherwise known as English001. 58 out of 60 yun.

At sa prelims naman namin sa Physical Science ay ako rin [daw] ang highest - 31 over 50 [dahil kumpara sa mga scores ng mga kaklase ko ay mataas-taas na rin yun].

Nung first quiz namin after prelims sa Physical Science ay nakakuha ako ng beyond-passing grade - 39/53.

Ngayong araw naman, noong binalik na ang aming second quiz about machines, ay muntikan nang lumuwa ang mata ko pagkakita na ako'y naka-50 over 57. Whoa, para sa mga kaklase kong masyadong harassed ng napakahirap na Physics, ay napakalaking achievement na yun.

As of now, nagsimula ako sa 3b level sa SRA pagtuntong ko ng Ateneo dahil naka-49 over 50 ako sa placement test; kailangan ko na lang magbasa ng 9 books at tapos na ko ng SRA for good and for the rest of my college life. Joke nga ni classmate Chan, magme-major in Communication na raw ako pag second sem.

Hindi ko naman alam kung anong kinakain ko at ganun ang nangyayari sa academic life ko. Kung tutuusin nga, wala na kong makain dahil hindi na ako umuuwi pag lunch at hindi na ko nagla-lunch. Hindi naman ako nag-aaral ng seryoso; nakatunganga lang ako habang nag-aaral si Mal at si Nagj at si Shen at kung sinu-sino pang mga geniuses kong kaklaseng nakapalibot sakin. Nanliliit ako kapag naririnig kong nag-eenglish sina Conch, gusto kong gumapang sa ilalim ng upuan kapag nag-rerecite sina Kate at Nagj.

At lalong hindi naman yata ako inspired dahil, una sa lahat, ay ipinamigay ko pa lamang si Nagj kay Kuya Grey noong Saturday. So what the hell?! Am I turning into one of those freako nerdy fatso people wearing Coke-bottle eyeglasses and constantly mumbling theories and formulas to themselves?!

-----
Speaking of pamimigay. Ewan ko ba kung matutuwa ako or maiiyak.

Kasi kahapon lamang ay kinukulit nanaman ako ni Nagj na ikwento sa kanya kung ano ang mga pinag-usapan namin ni Kuya Grey noong Saturday. E ako naman, na tuliling-tulili na sa kakakulit nya at kung tutuusin ay gusto na lamang kalimutan na nagkausap kami ni Kuya Grey, ay sinabihan na lang sya na mag-internet at magbukas ng aking blog para malaman nya ang kumpletong kwento. Tapos, iniwan ko na sya dahil may klase na kami sa Basic Algebra, at hindi ko naman sya kaklase. Mukha pa naman syang normal nun - just her usual makulit self.

Kaya't nawindang na lamang ako [at kinilig?] pagpasok ko ng opish with Jen later that afternoon, at bigla akong inambush ni Nagj - iniwan nya pa nga ang kausap na si Kuya Grey.

Nagj: Naxcz! . . . Mi cara! [sabay tayo dun sa kinauupuan nila ni K.G. at hug sa akin]
Me: [windang, kilig, ewan] Whoa! Bakit?! What happened?! I mean, what the . . . ?!
Nagj: [naka-hug pa rin] Ikaw kasi! . . . Nabasa ko na yung blog mo . . . ieh! Naiiyak na ko!
Me: [still puzzled] Aww. Right. Huh? . . . Bakit?! [breaks from her hug and ilalagay ang bag ko sa chair]
Nagj: [susunod] E kasi naman! . . . [opens her arms] Hug nga!
Me: [hugs her kahit nawiwindang pa rin] Bakit ba kasi?? WALA AKONG MAINTINDIHAN!!!

So we sat and, amidst the clutter of the office and the nasty looks of our irritating fellow apprentice writers Robbie and Robin, she explained what she felt about the last post on my blog. Pero halos wala akong maalala eh [damn my mind, ang hina ko talaga pagdating sa pagretain ng conversations!] aside from when she said na alam nya raw na napakahirap daw na desisyon yung ginawa ko about letting her go; bakit ko raw ginawa yun? Ang sama raw tuloy ng feeling nya; di nya raw alam na mapapalala nya pa pala lalo ang situation ko.

"Ewan," sabi ko. "Kalimutan mo na lang nga yun. Kung masaya ka man dyan or whatever, wag mo na lang akong intindihin, okey?"

And then she did this thing na posibleng nakapagpalimot sakin nung lahat kong regrets, frustrations, and thoughts about the issue, at nakapagpalimot na rin sakin nung mga pinag-usapan namin a while before. She leaned on my shoulder for - what, two minutes?!

Alam ko kasi binilangan ko talaga, wala kasing ibang magawa and ninenerbyos na kong gumalaw nun kasi baka mag-end na agad yung moment. Haha. Besides, naiirita na ko nun sa tingin nila Kuya Grey, Robbie at Robin - siguro iniisip ni Kuya Grey na inaway ko nanaman si Nagj, while Robin and Robbie must be thinking na lesbian ako. Haha. Shit. E tingin-tingin naman kasi sila. Mga inggitero.

-----
Ngayon naman ay tanong ng tanong ang birthday girl na si Jeniperr kung nagseselos raw ako pagkakita na halos buong hapon magkausap sina Kuya Grey at Nagj.

Ang totoo? Medyo. Medyo na lang. Unang-una kasi, busy rin ako sa pakikipag-usap sa aking boylet na si R__, yung ikinukwento ko dati na nagpapaxerox ng book. [Mahilig pala sya sa DotA and Battle Realms! Soulmate ko na sya! Haha!] Ikalawa, hello, ipinamigay ko na nga si Nagj, kaya dapat panindigan ko na yun. Walang bawian.

Pero ewan ko lang talaga, napaka-passive ko kahit parang may sarili pang mundo sina Kuya Grey right in front of me kanina. ~~Oo, it hurts. A bit.~~ Kasi kung dati, para akong sinasampal kapag nakikita ko silang magkasama, ngayon, parang kinukurot na lang ako. Haha. Ewan. Ewan ko ba talaga kung anong nangyayari sakin.

Okey. Tanong ni Jeniperr, trip ko pa ba si Nagj? Oo naman. Di yun ganun-ganun lang mawawala. Next question nya naman: so bakit ko naman ipinaubaya si Nagj kay Kuya Grey? Yun ang mahirap sagutin, pero narealize ko na nung Saturday, habang nagsasalita si Kuya Grey, naririnig ko sa kanya yung mga eksaktong sasabihin ko kung sasabihin ko lahat-lahat ng nafi-feel ko for Nagj - dahil tulad ko, hindi lang nakita ni Kuya Grey ang panlabas na ka-cute-an ni Nagj, kundi ang nakakagigil nyang personality, ang seryoso nyang side, at ang mga pang-araw-araw na gawain na kapag ginagawa ni Nagj ay nagiging masaya at lovable.

Kumbaga, parang sa narinig ko, feeling ko tuloy ay si Kuya Grey na yung male version ko.

Ay ewan! Ayoko na ngang pag-usapan yan. Shh na sa topic. Goshh, I'm still high from talking with R__. Heehee.

-----
Hindi na ko makapaghintay na matapos ang midterms!

Haha. Ano ba yan. Di pa nga nagsisimula ang midterms, katapusan na agad hinihintay ko. Rawr.

E kasi naman. Nagpromise si pareng John Ultra na pwede nanaman daw kaming tumambay sa boarding house nya sa Saturday after exams. Plus - of course - pwedeng magsigarilyo at uminom! Yey. Yey. Haha.

Oo. Sa mga hindi nakakaalam, umiinom [na] ako. ~~At napilit akong magsigarilyo nila Kim ng 2 sticks ng Lights last week~~. Pero no to cigarettes na talaga ako, syempre [yuck!]. Noong madaling-araw ng July 26 ay nakainom ako ng isang Matador kina John, at last Thursday lamang ay uminom na naman kami ng dalawang Matador na jumbo at isang jumbo Red Horse. Nakaka-relax kasi. Pero I swear, hindi ko to planong gawing bisyo. Computer games pa rin ang vice ko. Hehe.

Nakakabatrip nga lang dahil pinagdiinan ni Ma'am VDD sa NSTP na walang iinom at magsisigarilyo sa outreach namin sa 17 sa Buhi. At dahil buddy system ang gagamitin, obligado ang isang student na bantayan ang partner nya. Habang nagsasalita pa nun si Ma'am VDD ay todo-kulit na si Nagj, na katabi ko sa NSTP, sa akin.

"O, narinig mo yun??" said Nagj with a very sharp look at me. "Bawal daw magsigarilyo! At lalong bawal din uminom!"

Nashock nga ako kasi halos magkatono yung boses nila ng biological nanay ko habang sinasabi nya yun. I was like, "Mommy, ikaw ba yan?!?!" Haha!

~~PERO DOES THAT MEAN NA SI NAGJ NA ANG BUDDY KO?!~~ SANA! Shh. Wag nyo ko isumbong. Hehe. =]

She's Got Me Thinking About Her Constantly.

2008-07-30T21:23:00.006+08:00

Alam mo, tuwing umuuwi ka sa parang-hindi-sibilisado-sa-layo ninyong bahay, nami-miss kita ng bonggang-bongga.

Alam mo, naiinis ako kasi kapag umuuwi ka, hindi lang ako ang nakaka-miss sayo ng bonggang-bongga, dahil dalawa pa kaming kailangang maghati sa pagka-miss na yun.

Kanina, habang nagdo-drawing ako ng malungkot na pusa sa whiteboard, nagdo-drawing naman yung kahati ko ng nakasalamin na Hello Kitty.

Tapos, nainis ako kasi habang dino-drawing nya yun, may tinitingnan syang kodigo - isang punit na page na sigurado akong galing sa daily planner mong Hello Kitty.

Siyeeht, sinulatan mo pa pala yung kahati ko sayo.

Ngayon tuloy, iniisip ko kung susulatan rin ba kita para magkaroon rin ako ng isang page galing sa daily planner mo. Haha, pathetic.

Alam mo, tuwing magsasabi ka na, "I'll wait for you, ok?!" lagi nalang kitang nabibigo.

Maghihintay ka sakin kung saan. Ako naman, either tatamarin, may gagawin, or talagang ayaw lang magpunta - kasi who knows, baka pagdating ko, e kausap mo lang naman pala yung kahati ko sayo.

Whoa, nagtext ka. Alam mo, Tomoyo ang pangalan mo sa cellphone ko, kasi inlove ako kay Tomoyo sa Cardcaptor Sakura.

Nakikita mo nga akong gumagamit nung special kong cologne na 11:55 tuwing Monday at Wednesday, kasi sabi ko nga, para talaga yun sa isa nating espesyal na kaklase na madalas ko lang makasama sa ganoong mga araw.

Pero alam mo naman kaya na ikaw yung tinutukoy kong espesyal na kaklase?

Kapag inaasar kita tungkol dun sa kahati ko sayo, napapangiti ako kapag halos sumisigaw ka na sa kaka-deny.

Kung inaakala mong hindi ako makatingin ng diretso sayo tuwing magkasama tayo, hindi mo lang kasi alam na tinititigan kita tuwing hindi mo napapansin.

Lagi kitang kinukulit at kinukurot at kinikiliti hindi dahil sa natutuwa akong nakikita kang napipikon, pero dahil nanggigigil ako sayo.

Para sa akin, hindi ka mataba, pero oo, enjoy kang yakapin.

Nagsisisi ako na instead na hinatid man lang kita ng tanaw kanina nung sabi mong uuwi ka sainyo, mas pinili ko pang magsimba.

Nakakainis kapag nagkakapikunan pa tayo dahil lang sa hindi ko masabing nagseselos ako dun sa kahati ko sayo.

At oo, sana dumating ulit yung araw na masasabi mong may pinagseselosan ka ulit sa akin.

-----

Shit. Sooooo pathetic.

I'm Yours And Suddenly You're Mine, And It's Brighter Than Sunshine.

2008-07-27T20:49:00.003+08:00

Wild talaga.

-----

Mga alas-singko y media ng umaga. Nagtatalo pa lamang ang itim, asul at liwanag sa bintana sa labas. Katahimikan ang nananaig sa boarding house ng ating barkada, na ating tinatambayan bago kumagat ang liwanag.

Magkatabi tayo sa taas na palapag ng isang double-deck na kama, ako na lula sa ilang shot ng Matador na may chaser na iced tea, ikaw na nakatalikod sa akin at, sa unang pagkakataon sa buong buhay mo, ay natatameme at hindi alam kung paano sasabihin ang laman ng isipan.

Tanong ko. "Bakit ka na naman nagtatampo?"

At hindi ko man masabi ng eksakto ang sagot mo, naaalala kong nabanggit mong malandi ako. Malandi ako sa dalawa sa ating mga kasama doon sa inumang nangyari.

Oo, sabi mo. Malandi ako. Pero ang nakakatawa naman, dahil malandi ako, nagseselos ka.

At ewan ko kung paano nangyari, pero natagpuan ko na lamang ang sariling nakayakap na sayo.

At pagkatapos, isang seryosong pag-uusap, na kahit may kahalong kaunting tawanan at asaran ay, sa hilo kong estado, sigurado kong totoo ang mga nasabi ko. Mabuti na nga lamang at nakatalikod ka, kung hindi ay makikita mo sana ang abot-tenga kong ngiti.

"Ang baho-baho ko na," sabi mo.

Hindi, naisip ko, ang bango-bango mo pa nga. "E amoy kaya akong Matador."

Ngayon, dahil nakalipas na ang hangover at hilo at antok, lagi kong pag-iisipan kung anuman yung iba ko pang nasabi sayo noong madaling-araw na iyon. Oo, terible na nakalimutan ko na, at ibibigay ko lahat para mabalikan lamang ang mga oras na tayo'y nagkausap ng masinsinan sa double-deck na iyon.

Pero, eto lamang ang sigurado kong inuulit-ulit ko sayo noong mga oras na iyon. Dahil ito ang mga katagang tunay na nagsasabi ng nararamdaman ko.

At kung ano yun? "Sa buong gabi na magkasama tayo, ngayon pa lang talaga ako nagiging masaya ng todo."

Corny na kung corny, pero totoo.

-----

And You Can't Fight The Tears That Ain't Coming.

2008-07-18T00:12:00.007+08:00

I can't quite tell you how stressful/bothering/exasperating it is on my part when I see somebody crying.

Kaya ngayon, instead sa inaasahan kong usual na katuwaan sa NSTP, I was spectacularly troubled.

-----

Nagsimula ang NSTP na inaakala naming may quiz si Mam VDD sa history of Ateneo. Pero lusot, nakalimutan ata, kasi pagdating nya, Ignatian values na agad ang napag-usapan namin.

Ewan ko ba kung pano napadpad sa dramahan, pero biglang nagkwento si Mam VDD nung first love nya na 8 years nya naging bf. Basta masyadong mabilis ang pangyayari, at namalayan na lang namin ng makulit kong guy classmate Chan-chan na ang nakaupo sa gitna naming dalawa, si Ate Nagj, ay umiiyak na.

Madali ko naman kasing mapansin kahit di malakas yung iyak nya. Tapos doon siya nagsimulang umiyak ng todo-todo sa part na nagsabi si Mam, "Diba madalas naiisip natin yan, especially when we are alone?" Nagpanic nga ako, kasi hello, sa unahan kaming tatlo nakaupo ni Chan, tapos baka madistract pa si Mam sa pagkwento kapag nakita nya si Nagj. Nagkatitigan na lang kami ni Chan, at nagkabulungan.

Chan: Ano nangyari?
Me: Ewan! Hala ka Chan, pinaiyak mo!
Chan: Hala! Wala nga kong ginagawang masama ah!
Shen: [nasa likuran namin, pabulong din] Naxcz, patahanin mo!
Me: Anoooo?! . . . hindi ako marunong!
Shen: Duh! Hawakan mo sa likod!
Me: [getting frustrated] Whaat?! [worried na baka maging malisyosa pa si Nagj] Ayoko! Chan, yakapin mo nalang!
Chan: Bakit ako?! Iba pa isipin nyan eh!
Me: [tries to follow Shen's instructions] Ganito ba?? Haynikwaynifaynichao! Shen, heeeelp!
Jillian: [katabi ni Shen] Ano ba yang pagpatahan mo, Naxcz. Parang robot! [big grin]

What the fuck. Hindi naman kaya araw-araw may umiiyak akong katabi, at kung oo man, siguradong hindi ako ang magpapatahan nyan kung hindi naman ako ang may kasalanan. Pero since napaka-patient ko kina Jillian, napangiti na lang ako and continued on my lousy efforts on making Nagj stop crying.

Umiyak rin nun si Mam VDD habang nagkwento pa sya, this time about dun sa kapatid nyang nagkaroon ng sunud-sunod na kamalasan sa buhay. Iniisip ko nga kung kailangan ko pa ba syang pahiramin ng panyo, kasi ako ang pinakamalapit sa harap nya.

After what seemed like an eternity, natigil na rin si Ate Nagj. Whew. ~~Pero I'm sure it wasn't because of my stupid efforts.~~ Haha. And kung tatanungin nyo ko if I wanted to hug her even if just for a millisecond, syempre oo. ~~Nagpakipot lang ako. Heehee.~~ Tsaka Mam VDD hugged her naman after NSTP. Okay na yun.

-----

Gusto ko lang sabihin sa inyo.

Noong third year high school ako, ipinahiram ko ang pinakauna at pinakahuli [so far] kong Penshoppe na panyo sa Chemistry teacher kong iniyakan rin kami sa klase habang nagkukwento ng life story nya.

Hindi ko makalimutan yung panyong yun dahil paborito ko yun. Hindi man sya ang kadalasang bandanna-style na panyong gamit ko, gusto ko yun masyado dahil checkered at maganda ang tela.

Nagpaalam sakin ang Chem teacher kong yun kung pwedeng sa kanya na lang daw yung panyo. Remembrance daw sakin. Natawa akong nairita noong pumayag ako. Bakit nya pa naman gustong alalahanin ang isang estudyante na isinumpa, kinutya, at nilapastangan ang napakahirap na subject na kanyang itinuturo, at naging mabait lang sa kanya noong araw na makita nito ang kahinaan nya?

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Nagtatampo na pala si Malean sakin.

Friend, sorry! Oo, na-shock ako ng makita yung post mo sa blog. Hindi ka naman kasi nagsasabi. Tapos alam mo na, 'ika nga, napaka-understanding mong barkada. Hay. Sorry talaga. Napansin ko rin kasi na lagi ko nalang kasama sina Jeniperr, Kate and Ate Nagj, at oo, magkasama man tayo lagi sa klasrum, we don't talk to each other that often. =<

Alam nyo, namimiss ko na tuloy ang Xing and Co. Kanina lamang sa Physics, napag-usapan namin ni Mal ang mga gagawin ni Nikkong criticisms kung andun sya habang naglelesson si Sir.

Tapos nung isang araw, habang nagkukwento si Kate ng time na magkaklase pa sila ni Ching at nagcocomputer ako sa opish, naisip ko na hindi ko na pala nakaka-chat si Ching these days.

At si Anna naman na hindi na nagpakita pa. Naiintindihan ko naman kung sasabihin nyang wala silang pera pang-college at tumigil muna sya para alagaan ang mama nyang may sakit, o kung sa CSPC Calabanga sya pumasok, o kung nagmigrate na ba ang pamilya nya sa Antarctica. Oo, makakaintindi ako. Nangyayari naman kasi ang mga ganyang bagay. Pero, ang problema nga lang, ano naman ang iintindihin namin kung wala man lang siyang nasabi?

-----

I laughed upon hearing this Sobule Jill song over the radio at lunchtime.

I kissed a girl, and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl, just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it . . .

Ewan ko ba. ~~Naaalala ko lang kasi yung first kiss ko.~~ 'Yung bastos na babae na sinalubong ako ng mainit na french kiss the moment na pinagbuksan nya ko ng pinto ng kwarto nya.

At hindi lang yan, bagong ligo siya nun, ~~tapos nakatuwalya lang siya nung nagkaharap kami.~~

Ang matindi pa, nung naghalikan kami, nahulog yung tuwalya. Sheeeeeeeet! HAHAHA!

READ: NAHULOG ANG TUWALYA. Hindi ko hinulog, hindi nya rin hinulog, basta nahulog yung tuwalya sa gitna ng umaatikabo naming ~~pagshe-share ng laway.~~ Haha. Yuckk.

Kung tama ang naaalala ko, todo tawa dun yung barkada kong si Laiza. Bakit daw hindi ko na itinulak yung girlet ko sa kama [well, kwarto nya naman yun] tapos, uhh, gumawa na kami ng maliliit na Naxcz at ____.

Pero tangina naman, Laiza girl. Bata pa ko sa mga ganung bagay! Ang ginawa ko nung maramdaman kong nahulog yung tuwalya nya, tumalikod ako sabay takbo pababa ng bahay nila. Heehee. Ni hindi nga ko tumingin eh.

Anyway. Ang kumakanta pala nyang song ng Sobule Jill, babae. Girl to girl?? Whew.

-----

Napag-usapan namin ni Mal nung isang araw yung advice sa kanya ng kung sinuman yung taong yun.

College ka na. Magpraktis ka nang mag-kiss. Something like that.

Syempre ako, todo support naman sa theory. Naging medyo wild man kasi yung first experience ko sa pakikipagkagatan ng labi at dila [yuckk!] ayun, ~~natuwa naman akong i-share ang experience ko~~. Heehee. Napaka-BI! Sheeet.

Mal: Manood nga daw ako ng mga kissing scenes. Haha!
Me: Totoo naman ah! Napaka-informative kaya nyan!
Mal: Ai ewan. Napo-pollute ang mind ko sayo sister! Pano ko ba naman yan pag-aaralan, huh?!
Me: Ano ka ba. Ang kissing, inborn talent yan. Mga 30 seconds naman ang tagal nyan eh, tapos matututuhan mo agad yan in five seconds! Basta dapat marunong naman yung nagki-kiss sayo. Nung nagkiss nga kami ni ___, alam ko na agad kung pano, ang dali kong naka-catch up! Haha!
Mal: Ano?? Bakit, ano ba ang feeling nung nag-french kiss kayo?
Me: Wet. ~~Pero aminado ako, masarap.~~ Woohoo!

Tanginang kalokohan to ah. Kanina, iyakan, tapos nauwi sa kabastusan. Amfufu!

At kumusta naman yun na nanira pa ko ng inosenteng kaisipan ng menor de edad. Haha. Bonggang-bongga. Tsk.

-----

~~At oo, kanina nagselos nga ako kay Kuya Grey at Ate Nagj.~~

Paano ba naman kasi, sa sobrang lalim nung pinag-uusapan nilang topic sa universe habang nakatayo sila sa may bintana at nakatingin sa malamig na gabi, e hindi na nila namalayan na lahat kami - ang magkapatid na Piamonte editors, si Kuya Pons, si Kate, si Kuya Jed, Kuya Biboy, si Kate, ako at ilan pang mga miyembro ng Pillars - ay ninanakawan na sila ng picture. May puso effect pa nga yung kina Kuya Fuy.

Pero nung lumabas ako at nag-emo habang kumakain ng Cream-O, nawala na lang bigla yung frustration ko. Baka naalala ko lang kasi yung resolution ko sa sarili ko na magselos pa man ako, hindi na dapat mapansin ni Ate Nagj. Hay.

Or, ewan ko lang ha. Bigla kasing dumaan ang ex kong si Zerlaine nung mga oras ng pag-emo ko, tapos naalala ko yung pinag-usapan namin ni Mal about the learning how to kiss 101 issue. ~~At syempre, naalala ko rin kung gaano kasaya makipagfrench kiss.~~ Lalo na sa master ng french kissing na si ___. HAHA.

Ai ewan. Desperada nga lang siguro ako girl. Tss, tss. I need a boylet.

-----

Speaking of boylets. Napagtripan ako ng bonggang-bongga ni Chan dahil kay Kuya James! Hmpf.

Sa mga di nakakaalam, si Kuya James (BSBA CMA 2) ang campaign manager ng AKLAS, isang political party para sa elections sa Ateneo next week. Tapos, napag-utusan ako ng editor-in-chief namin sa Pillars opish na sundan ang campaign ng AKLAS at gumawa ng news tungkol dito.

So ayun. We had to interview Kuya James kasi bawal interviewhin ang candidates. Astig magsalita si Kuya James, talagang madadala ka ng mga prinsipyo nya about student rights and apathy issues; aabangan mo ang lahat ng kanyang sasabihin. Aside pa dyan, napaka-friendly, hindi snob, at gwapo [tall, handsome, w/ eyeglasses - yey!]

Kahapon was supposed to be the AKLAS political rally in Xavier Hall. Before that, nakita ako ni Kuya James na naglalakad papuntang Adriatico with Chan.

Kuya J: Naxcz! [runs toward us]
Me: [looks around] Ui! Kuya James!
Kuya J: [smile sabay hawak sa kamay ko] Mamaya, political rally namin. Manood ka ha? Tapos invite mo rin mga friends mo.
Me: Syempre manonood ako! Basta ba ikaw. Hehe.
Kuya J: Talaga ha? Manood ka! Aasahan ko yan! Hahanapin kita! [releases my hand and leaves]
Chan: Uuuuui, si Naxcz! Ano mo yun?? Crush mo ano? Nanliligaw sayo? Gwapo!
Me: [namumula daw] Waat?! Shh, baka may makarinig sayo!

Langyang Chan yun. Haha. Pero aminado, maappeal si Kuya James. I bet taken na yun. Heehee.

About naman dun sa isang boylet na nakwento ko sainyo. Ayoko na dun. Kasi bihira ko talagang makausap. Hmpf.

------

Tsk. Pag boylet na ang topic, dapat pinuputol na ang post.

There's A Time And Place For Everything. =]

2008-07-13T17:12:00.008+08:00

Woohoo! Di nako emo ngayon!

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Tama pala si Ate Nagj nung sinabi nya dati na dapat sinasabi ko raw sa kanya ang mga problema kaysa sarilinin. Pa-emo effect pa naman kasi ako eh. Tsk.

Pero anyway, Ate Nagj already knows. Kasi nabasa nya na etong blog ko. And though admittedly nawindang sya nung una, she told me the next day na okay lang naman daw na 'ganun' ang nafi-feel ko for her, and nothing would change between us being friends.

Ako naman, okey na sa ganitong state. I'm just happy that I still get to be her friend and everything. =]

-----

Kanina naman, first time ko nanaman magsimba in - what? Three months?

If my calculations are correct, this morning, 8:00 am at the Cathedral, is my fourth time to go to church this year. Aww, so atheist. Kasi if I remember it right, eto lang ang mga araw na nagsimba ako:

1] New Year. Oo, New Year, tapos nakitakbo rin ako dun sa mga baliw na nagsisimba kapag 12am ng New Year para lang makipagsayaw sa mga Judas Belt, Five Stars, tsaka Lolo Thunder.

2] Baccalaureate. Syempre para sa graduation yun. Kaya napilitan na rin naman ako.

3] Kasama si Ate on this one time na pareho kaming may pera tapos gusto naming kumain sa KFC. Bago kami nag-Famous Bowl, nagsimba muna kami sa San Fran.

4] Ngayon, kasama si Ate Nagj.

Napapansin tuloy na di na talaga ko nagsisimba kasi di ko na masyadong alam yung mga kanta. Si Ate Nagj naman, na mas sanay magsimba dun sa kanila sa Ligao, hindi rin halos makasabay dun sa nangyayari. Pero ok lang naman kasi at least may narinig naman ako, tapos di naman lumipad yung isip ko.

Pagkatapos, bumili kami ng sandamakmak na Graciosa [miss you, Baby Dhen kong adik sa graciosa!] tapos inubos namin lahat dun sa boarding house ni Ate Nagj, along with some peanut butter.

-----

Yey! Normal na ulit ako. Kasi I make ordinary kwento na. Heehee.

Anyway. Tulungan nyo ko. Sa 26 na ang acquaintance party ng College of Arts and Sciences [Starmark Royale].

Tapos, alam nyo naman siguro yung major problem. . . wala nanaman akong damit! Rawr!

I Had A Bad Day, I'm Taking One Down, I Sing A Sad Song Just To Turn It Around.

2008-07-11T18:31:00.002+08:00

The day could have been easily perfect, because I had a chance to see you.

However, by the end of the evening, the perfect day was not meant to be.

That Was Quite A Show, Very Entertaining.

2008-07-06T17:21:00.003+08:00

I'm not that mad anymore as I was earlier.
But still, I've got this bitter taste in the mouth. And it's not about money anymore.

-----

Andito na naman yung hindi mapatay-patay na yearning ko na bumalik sa Caramoan.

Madalas akong dinadalaw nito sa panaginip, at sa broad daylight naman kapag nag-eemo ako ng grabe or something.

Now I know kung bakit gusto ko lagi dun. [I was there May 2007.]

It's not just about the gracious hospitality of my friend Khrisna, not the sumptuous grilled swordfish [malasugi] and the Coke bottles present at almost every meal. It's not about the frolicking on the beach with Karen, Mharlet, Nikko and Khrisna, and not that guitar-singing sessions and ghost-huntings every night, and not that concert of Centerfold, Black Gulaman and Pepsi Paloma Experiment that we got to watch right in the front seats. It's not just about the constant blue sky, the glare of the sun, the feel of sand in the toes, and the salty touch of seawater when you jump off a shallow dive and land right into the sea's waiting arms.

I always wanted to go back there because that's the only place where I felt free.

In Caramoan, I didn't have a broken family. I didn't have to worry much about money. I did not stay awake at night thinking of various bad things. I wasn't that girl who won a lot of literary contests, and whom everyone thought was very reliable and extraordinary. In Caramoan, I wasn't the puzzle of my classmates, the quiet brooding person who found looking at clouds and watching the rain very entertaining, and whom others found frightening and mysterious.

Back there in Caramoan, I was not the most unrecognizable person in life's masquerade.

-----

Changing topics, I think nahahawaan na ko ng pagiging active activists ng mga kasamahan ko sa thePillars school publication.

Ewan ko lang. I have doubts about the government [in fact, any government] but I don't ever see myself shouting outside the Malakanyang bearing placards with 'Oust Gloria' at kung anuano pang cheverloo. Sabihin nating isa akong passive activist. Or apathetic, kumbaga.

Pero ewan ko ngayon. Habang mas nakakasama ko pa ang mga tao sa Pillars, naeengganyo din akong makinig sa mga kuru-kuro nila sa gobyerno at sa pagiging walang pakialam ng mga estudyante ukol sa pamimilit ng pagbabago.

Or siguro nga, tama lang talaga yung klasmeyt kong si Kim sa tinext nya saken kanina. 'Alam mo Naxcz, masyado na kayong naaaliw ni Kate and Nagie jan sa office nyo [Pillars]. Don't you think you deserve a break?'

Masaya naman ako sa ginagawa ko ngayon sa Pillars. Sobrang saya kahit mahirap at nakakapagod. Pero tama nga ba na masyado na kong nababaliw dito?

-----

Minsan nakakapagod nang maging instrumento ng pagbabago.

-----

Bakit kaya nababaliw si Kate kakakanta ng 'Take a Bow' by Rihanna?

~~At bakit naman kaya patuloy akong nababaliw sa kanya?~~

Mi amore na ngayon ang tawag ko kay Kate! Tapos mi cara naman kay Ate Nagj. Haha. Wala lang. Kabaliwan.

-----

Masaya lang ako ngayon kapag nasa Ateneo at kasama ang block CC11 sa pagliliwaliw at pagkukwentuhan at paglolokohan. ~~Kapag tinititigan ko si Jillian,~~ kapag nakikinig ako sa mga biro ni Chan, kapag sinisinok ako sa katatawa sa mga trip nila Conch.

Masaya lang ako ngayon kapag nasa Ateneo at tumatambay sa aming opisina [Pillars nga, okey?] habang walang ginagawa. Kapag nang-iinterview si Ate Shamee, kapag
nakakapraning na ang simpleng ganda ni Ate Marj, kapag nakakaaliw tingnan ang inosenteng si Kuya Grey kapag andyan ang mama bear na si Ate Ken, kapag kakwentuhan ko lang si Jen, Ate Nagj at Kate.

Pero overall, my life sucks. Mas hilarious pang abangan ang fruit bowl sa mesa.

ISANG. MALAKING. SABAW.

All The People In The Street, I Hate You All!

2008-07-06T12:35:00.002+08:00

Grounded ako for the next two weeks.

Magkagalit na kami ni Mama since Monday this week.

Umuwi ako ng alas-onse ng gabi galing sa kung saan na acquaintance party sa Molino Grill noong Friday. Nagpaalam naman ako. Pero pota bakit ako grounded?

Nagpadala si Dad ngayon ng P600. Naubos ko ito lahat ngayon sa load, Dance Audi, flipflops, tshirt, at dalawang kahon ng perfume galing sa Oxygen.

Ngayon, wala na kong pambayad ng lecheng solicitation ng the Pillars para kay Jun Lozada.

Pero you know what was nice about all the shopping and splurging and wasting money and wasting my life?

It felt so good, I wanna do it again.

I Won't Worry My Life Away. =]

2008-07-04T00:23:00.004+08:00

There's this sudden insight - a flash of lightning at the sky, a cymbal beat in a song chorus - that made me realize that somehow, in this crazy life I'm living, I should at least have something to believe.

-----

This 2008, I must've gone to church only twice or thrice.

But no, as I was saying to both Ate Nagj and Kate earlier, I am not an atheist. Ang sabi ko nga, it's like student apathy during elections sa SSG ng ADNU: tinatamad lang ako, walang interes, walang natututuhan, walang nakikitang pagbabago, walang gustong gawin kundi manahimik sa tabi. Pero oo, I know na andyan lang si God. Ina-acknowledge ko ang presence nya.

Ewan. Ewan ko. Yun na lang ang nasasagot ko sa mga ibinatong tanong saken nila Nagj tungkol sa espiritwalidad ko. Gusto na nga siguro akong sakalin ni Ate Nagj kanina kasi napaka-noncommital ko. Hay.

Ganito lang naman yan. Oo, kung andyan nga talaga si God, fine. Pero kung wala naman Siya, okay pa rin naman. Ang paniniwala ko naman, ginagawa ko naman ang tama, gumagawa ako para sa kapakanan ng iba, at ginagawa ko ang mga naaayon sa batas ng tao, na batas na rin naman ni God kung iisipin.

Ewan. Ewan ko na naman. Tss. Kaya ayokong pinag-uusapan to eh.

-----

Napag-usapan namin kanina ang mga bagay na pinanghahawakan namin sa buhay. Yun bang mga tipong bagay na mawala na lahat, pero yun at yun pa rin ang paniniwalaan mo.

I salute Ate Nagj's pinanghahawakan sa buhay. Kasi she goes home to Ligao thrice a week then back again to Naga the next day just to go to their church. She believes na kahit anong mangyari, ayun. Mahal sya ni God. Walang makakabali sa prinsipyo nyang yun.

Halos wala ring pinagkaiba ang pinanghahawakan ni Kate, na kasali rin sa kung anuanong religious org. She also said na kahit pa daw hindi ko masyadong pinapahalagahan si God, mahal Nya rin daw ako and lagi Syang nagbibigay sakin ng blessings sa araw-araw.

Ako naman, ikinahiya ko ang napakasimple kong pananaw sa buhay. So hinintay ko munang umalis si Ate Nagj bago ko nasabi kay Kate ang nag-iisang bagay sa buhay ko na kahit anong mangyari ay paniniwalaan ko pa rin. Yun bang ideya na hindi mawawala saken.

Simple lang naman kasi talaga yun. At take note, wala itong koneksyon kay God. Pero nahirapan akong i-explain ito kay Kate: Na ang talagang pinanghahawakan ko lang sa buhay ay ang paniniwala kong balang-araw, susulat ako ng isang aklat o gagawa ng isang pelikula na makakapagpabago ng pananaw ng kahit isang tao lang para sa kabutihan.

Oo, malabo. Pero sabi ko nga kanina: halimbawa ay may isang padre de pamilya na nagbabalak nang i-abandona ang pamilya nya dahil sa hirap ng buhay. Sa pagbasa nya ng libro ko o panonood ng pelikula ko, magbabago ang isip nya at mare-realize nya ang tama at dapat nyang gawin para sa pamilya nya. At kahit sya lang ang nag-iisang tao sa mundong ibabaw na makumbinsi kong magbago para sa mabuti, okay na yun, kasi hindi ko naman inaasahang kaya kong baguhin ang buong mundo.

Mababaw, diba? Sobrang babaw. Pero yun lang talaga ang pinanghahawakan ko at inaasahan kong destinasyon ng buhay. Wala nang iba.

Some people dream of saving the whole world.

That's the most bullshittest pinanghahawakan ng isang tao na pwede kong marinig. Because that would be totally impossible to achieve by a single person.

Only the whole world, through united effort, can save itself. As far as I'm concerned, 'some people' isn't the whole world.

Naiintindihan nyo ba ang gusto kong ipaliwanag? I'm not expecting to change the world. Pero whatever happens, naniniwala ako na kung hindi ko man kayang baguhin ang buong mundo, okay na kahit makapagbago lang ako ng isang tao.

-----

Me In The Corner, Me In The Spotlight, Losing My Religion.

2008-07-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

Bigla kasi akong nagising ng alas-dos ng umaga, uminom ng dalawang mug ng matinding kape - isang black Arabian at isang with cream - at ayan, nababaliw na ko ngayon.

Alam nyo ba kung ano ang di nyo dapat ginagawa kapag alas-dos ng madaling araw?

Mag-isip. Mag-isip tungkol sa kung anuanong bagay, masaya man o malungkot.

Mag-isip. Mag-isip ng mga bagay na hindi na pwedeng mangyari, hindi na pwedeng maulit, at hindi mo pa man ginagawa e takot ka nang i-try.

Mag-isip. Mag-isip, at magsisi.

-----
Ayoko na nga ng emo! Rawr!

Ganito na lang. May problema ako ukol dito sa Naxczmachine. The other day, ang tindi nung reklamo ko regarding blog readership [June 30 post]. Ngayon naman, ang problema ko, my blog readership is [probably] waaaaaaaaaaay out of control.

As of now, four new people are/might be/will be reading my blog ::

1] Ate Nagj. Na hindi naman talaga dapat magbasa ng blog ko, at halos
itulak ko na sa rumaragasang traysikel nung papunta pa lang kami sa comshop para
di na makabasa pa ng blog ko, pero ayun at nagcomment pa nga pala sa cbox ang lola mo.
2] Charmaine Eunice. Authorized reader ito. Nagtanong kasi sya kanina kung
pano gumawa ng blog at ako naman, ang nangungunang endorser ng blogging
industry, e binigyan sya ng instructions at ginawang example ang
Naxczmachine.
3] A mysterious blockmate. Nabigla ako na nagbabasa na pala sya ng blog ko.
Nung Tuesday nya nga lang nabanggit, habang nasa SRA kami. Pero okay lang
naman kasi wala naman syang delikadong mababasa dito.
4] Kate. Eto talaga ay ang ultimate na taong HINDI DAPAT NAGBABASA NG BLOG KO. Dahil mapapasubo ako ng bonggang-bongga kapag nabasa nya ang mga
pinagsasasabi ko ukol sa kanya simula pa nung June 20. Baka hindi lang kamatayan
ang abutin ko sa kanya kung sakali, double-dead pa.

Okay, sasabihin nyo, masaya yun, kasi may bago akong readers, pero. . . some of these people aren't supposed to read my blog. They're not even supposed to know about my blog. Pero yun na nga - these people just went and typed http://www.naxczmachine.blogspot.com/ in the internet, and poof! koko crunch! - nabuking na ang mga iniingat-ingatan kong ~~ugat, lawit at muscle ko~~ mga sikreto.

Kinabahan nga ko kanina. Kasi magkakasama kami ni Ate Nagj at Kate na nag-internet sa Willprint, tapos all of a sudden, binuksan ni Kate yung blog ko. Buti na lang at wala pa syang nakita. At mas lalong mabuti pa na nung titingnan nya na yung blog ko ay nagsabi yung bantay na magko-close na daw sila. Whew. Saved by the bell!

-----

Question number eight ni Sir Toots sa prelims: "So ano sa tingin nyo ang dapat gawin ni Naxcz about the reader issue?"

a] Palitan ang blog address ng Naxczmachine at gawin itong top-secret info
- sabihin lang ito sa mga piling tao.
b] Gumawa ng bagong blog, then abandon or delete the Naxczmachine.
c] Gumawa ng bagong blog, tapos ilipat dun ung mga censored na posts ng
Naxczmachine, at gawing top-secret info ang address ng new blog.
d] Gawing private ang Naxczmachine - iregister lamang ang mga taong pwedeng
pumasok to keep intruders, usyoseros and paparazzis away.
e] Wala. Let Kate and everyone else read Naxczmachine, then see what
happens.

Kung ako lang, I'd go for either A or E. Kasi yang dalawa ang pinakamadaling gawin. Pero of course, I'd like to hear your opinion about it. Leave your comment in the cbox, please!

-----

Sorry nga pala sa inconvenience. Kasi, as of now, tinago ko yung ilang posts ko about my blockmates. Exciting sanang ipabasa sainyo, pero mahirap na, baka mademanda ako.

Wala pa naman akong pera para magsampa ng kontra-demanda ngayon. Alam nyo naman ako, poorage kami ngayon 'day. Kaya kailangan muna ng bonggang-bonggang pag-iingat na itago ang aking mga delikadong post. Kung hindi ko ito gagawin, maraming ebidensya ang makakalap laban saken. 'Ika nga ni Gus Abelgas, hindi nagsisinungaling ang ebidensya.

Besides, ayoko din na makulong. Kahit pa nasa thePillars nako ngayon at inaasahan nang kasali sa mga student activists, mahirap pa rin na kumontra sa government. [anong konek?] The point is, ayoko munang makahanap ng kaaway, kasi kulang pa ko sa resources.

Kaya please, bear with me muna.

-----

Alas-kwatro na ngayon. Pero hindi ako nag-aaral para sa prelims ha. Ayoko na mag-aral kahit kailan.

May Napaasa, Dagling Lumisan, Napapaamo Kahit Lumuluha.

2008-07-01T18:04:00.008+08:00

The tropa. Kahapon lang tayo nagkita, tapos miss ko na kayo agad ngayon. Tss.

Yup, mahirap ako hanapin diyan. Heehee. Pero promise andyan ako.

-----

NSTP was soooo much fun today [lagi naman eh].

We were talking of the history of our beautiful school. And of course, it's unavoidable to mention the history without the ghosts.

Ma'am VDD said that our building - Arrupe, the newest building of ADNU - was the site for burial of the people that were killed when the Japanese occupied the region and used ADNU as headquarters during the second world war. Several skeletons were dug during the construction of our building.

Classroom MR18 was said to be the torture chamber.

And our Vice President for Formation's office, when first opened after the war, was literally painted with blood.

Then Ma'am VDD narrated some of her experiences with ghosts, and I must admit, her story on her former fellow facilitator was creepy yet touching.

Pero bago yan, kinailangan ko munang matawa [nanaman] kay Kate. Kasi, sa facial expression nya habang nakikinig sya sa mga kwento ng naturalmenteng madaldal na si Ma'am VDD, parang kahit multo mahihiya na magpakita sa kanya.

-----

Sino nanaman yang bagong nagcomment sa cbox ko? Tss. Okei sana kasi may bumibisita. Kaso, di naman iniiwan ng tama ang name. Hay.

And kay Malean - hindi si Ate Nagj at lalong hindi si Kate ang blockmate natin na reader ng blog ko. Hindi mo kasi aakalain kung sino yun. Haha.

-----

Ohmigosh. Na-realize ko na ~~MAY CRUSH NA PALA AKONG BOYLET SA SCHOOL!~~

Ano ba yan. Ampanget ng caps. Para akong tumitili na fangirl-style na corny ewan cheverloo. Haha. Ai ewan. Ganito kasi yan.

Kaninang umaga around 9, kararating ko lang sa klasrum namin after paying for the prelims [sa wakas]. Tapos, etong handsome na ka-block namin [in fairness, gwapo talaga sya, ayaw ko nga lang aminin] bigla akong nilapitan while carrying our Physics textbook in his hand.

Guy: Excuse me. Uh, saan na kaya ang ile-lesson natin mamaya? [Hands me the textbook]
Me: [kinda surprised] Huh? [flips through the textbook] Ah, baka dito na tayo sa Energy, kasi diba etong Motion ang ni-lesson natin before?
Guy: Ah. Ano nga ba yung sinagutan natin dati?
Me: [flips through the book again and points at pages] Etong chapter test, tapos hanggang tayo dito.
Guy: Okay, di dito na tayo? [points at Energy page] Thanks ha. [goes out with another classmate to make xerox copies of said page]

Naturally, I was surprised. Kasi that certain guy [and NO, I am not telling you his name] bihira ko namang makausap, and nung autonomous celebration lang nga kami nagkausap ng normal, about emo people pa. Tss. Besides, hindi naman siya laging nakikisama samin nila Kate; usually, ang kasama nya, yung blockmate naming si Tin. Plus the fact na nakaupo sya lagi sa may likuran, tapos ako naman sa unahan, right in front of the teacher.

Then, sa pagmumuni-muni kong yaon, Malean suddenly brought me back to earth.

Malean: Hoy, friend, diba Machines ang sunod?
Me: [daydreaming] Huh?
Malean: Andito kaya sa course outline na binigay sa'tin, o, machines ang sunod. [points at her course outline]
Me: [windang] WHAT?! Aww, crap - pano yan? Sabi ko kay R___ [the guy] Energy ang sunod! Oh no!
Malean: Ay hala ka friend! Magpapaxerox yun. Nasa library lang naman siguro.
Me: [nagpapanic] Shit! Bakit naman kasi ako pa yung tinanong nya?! Ang layu-layo kaya ng upuan nya saken tapos di ko nga sya close! Aww, Mickey Mouse crap!
Jeniperr: [just arriving] Naaano ka Naxcz??
Me: Fuck! Jeniperr! Nagtanong saken si R___ kung ano na daw ise-xerox ngayon. Sabi ko Energy. E Machines pala nasa course outline! Oh no!
Malean: Habulin mo na kaya?!
Jeniperr: Yah, habulin mo na! Mahaba pa kaya line dun sa library, andun pa yun!
Me: [debates with myself, then suddenly stands] Fuck! Bakit pa kasi. . . rawr! [hurries out to library]

I didn't know kung anong nangyari saken at nakaisip akong magpunta sa library na medyo malayu-layo naman sa Arrupe para lang pagsabihan si Guy ng katangahan ko. May natitira pa naman siguro akong konsyensya or something like that. Heehee.

Good thing naabutan ko pa sya dun sa library xerox copier. Sila na ni Glumal [another blockmate] yung sunod na magpapaxerox.

Me: [taps Guy on the shoulder. Medyo mataas pala sya] Hey. Tapos na kayo magpaxerox?
Guy: Hindi, pero kami na sunod. Magpapaxerox ka rin? Bigay mo nalang saken, ako na bahala.
Me: [nervous] Uhh. Actually, hindi. Kasi, hindi pala Energy ang sunod sa course outline. [flips the texbook and points at page] Dito na pala sa Machines. Eto sigurong tatlong pages na to.
Guy: [pause, then looks at Glumal] Ai, hanep. Kung mali pala. . . pupunitin ko to. Hehe.
Me: Buti nga di pa kayo nakakapaxerox. Kaya nasabihan ko pa kayo. Sorry. . . [apologetic smile]
Guy: Okay lang. Thanks for the concern. [cute smile]

Baliw! Ako, baliw na baliw na baliw. Rawr. Anong cute smile ang pinagsasasabi ko??

Bakit ko ba to pinagkukukwento sainyo? Hay. Hay. Ano ba ko. Ambisyosa. Haha. Ang gwapo kaya nun. Tss.

Pero eto pa. Since wala naman pala kaming Physics, nagsiuwian na kaming block CC11 after checking of attendance. Kasama ko si Kate and Mal palabas ng Arrupe building, tapos nung naglalakad kami, napatingin ako sa second floor, dun sa bintana ng classroom namin, and - guess what - nakita ko nanaman si Guy na nakangiti saken habang nagbababye.

Syempre I waved back. And ngumiti rin ako. Haha. Ambisyosa talaga. Siguro napansin naman ni Kate yung ngiti kong talo pa ang Cheschire cat dun sa Alice in Wonderland kaya nagtanong.

Kate: O girl, nakangiti ka?
Me: Sister! Sister, nagbabye saken si R___! Yey!
Malean: Si R___? Nice man! Ikaw ha. . .
Kate: Sino? Sino daw? Sino ba girl? Girl dali na kasi, sino nga?!
Malean: Si Naxcz, crush si R___!

Haha. Nakakabaliw talaga. Anong kakikayan cheverloo itech?! Ako ba 'to?!

Tapos, kanina namang hapon, nung pumunta kami sa Pillars office ni Nagie, Jeniperr at Kate, at nang kinilig nang todo si Ate Nagj at Kate sa news editor naming si Kuya Gray.

Ate Nagj: Ang gwapo-gwapo kaya ni Kuya Gray! Lagyan mo lang ng eyeglasses - perfect!
Kate: Oo talaga girl! Ang cuuuute ni Kuya Gray lalo na yung nagsmile sya pagbukas nya ng pinto, para syang bata - eeeeeeee!
Me: Hoy, kayo talaga girls. Mga wala kayong taste! Tsk, tsk!
Ate Nagj: O, e baket ikaw Naxcz, sino ba crush mo??
Me: Wala! Nasa room lang natin yun ano. . .
Kate: Anoooooooo?! Girl, sino? Atin lang naman eh! Sabihin mo na daliiiiii!
Me: [napasubo] Wala nga! Joke ko lang yun!
Ate Nagj: E sinabi mo na tapos bibitinin mo pa! Siguro. . . si Mark!
Me: Yuck?! No thanks!
Kate: Ai girl, alam ko na! Yung kanina! Type mo singkit na maputi diba? Yung kanina, girl! Si R___!
Ate Nagj: Alam ko na din! Si R____! Type mo si R____!
Me: [involuntary smile] Huh?. . . . . . . Joke nga lang kasi yun!

Hoy, Naxcz girl, tumigil ka na nga ng kakapantasya.

I Can't See Me Loving Nobody But You For All My Life =]

2008-06-30T21:34:00.003+08:00

I swear, blog readership is waaaaay down.

What is this all about? Is everyone [or my readers, at least] busy with college too?

Wala lang. Napansin ko lang. It's sad, but it's reality, and nobody can do anything about that.

-----

I love Grey's Anatomy na talaga. Pero bakit inulit kanina sa Studio 23 yung episode dati? Rawr.

-----

Friends are never too busy for each other.

To Xing, Kevin, Mharlet, Khrisna, Koren, Nikko, Lady and Mal: I had so much fun kanina. Kahit pa almost P100 ang nagastos ko and hindi pa ko nakakabayad sa prelims. Hehe.

And yup, I wish we could do that again next month.

-----

Dami kong nakita sa McDo kanina. Tapos when these group of Zephyrus people from NCSHS entered [Doggie Darren and kung sinu-sino pa], I told Nikko na gusto ko namang magpunta dun sa aming alma mater kung kailan kasi miss na miss ko na sina Franklyn, Lei, Nat, Mara and Rica.

At anak ng fufu! Pagkasabi ko nun, nakita ko si Rica na kasama si Doggie the next moment. Haha. Pumayat raw ako sabi ni Rica! ;]

-----

Hay naku. Ano na kaya nagyari kay Ate Nagie kanina? Iniwan ko kasi sya kanina mag-isa para pumunta dun sa office ng school publication namin kasi nagmamadali na ko puntahan sina Xing. *sigh*

Tapos si Kate naman, kaninang umaga ko lang sa STS nakita. Di na nagparamdam ngayong hapon. Ako naman kasi, di ko hinanap. Hay. Nakakaweirdo na iniiwan-iwan ko nalang ang mga chicks ngayon. Tss.

Makakabayad na kaya ko bukas? Rawr. Rawr. Ayokong mag-isip ng mga ganyan eh.

Pero seriously, makaka-prelims kaya ko? Haaaay.

Kailan Mo Ako Hahagkan, Matagal Na Akong Naghihintay!

2008-06-29T19:20:00.001+08:00

Why can't God make up His mind about me?

-----

I want a guy who'd help me carry my damned gigantic body bag.

I want a guy who'd carry the fucking Study and Thinking Skills folder required of us during Mondays and Tuesdays.

It would be fine with me if he doesn't have any money to take me out to McDo or any other fancy restaurants, but it would be nice if he can, at least, treat me even to a ~~Big Mac~~ single Mister Donut on weekends.

I want a guy who texts me questions and then sends me at least P2 Pasaload for me to reply.

If he's got a wild sense of humor, fine. As long as knows how to talk and isn't as timid in communicating as I am, that's very much fine.

And it's okay too if he's a bit green-minded. As long as he doesn't ~~get his hands and lips all over me haha~~ use me as his hands-on model to apply his learnings in the green world.

I don't care if he doesn't take me home everyday, but I would be very happy if he knows what time am I dismissed from my last subject in the afternoon.

It would be fine if he dances very well or not at all, as long as he doesn't boast about it.

That guy should not be a varsitarian on basketball or any other sweaty sport, because those kind of people are usually very untidy.

And I don't like die-hard punk or emo guys too. I don't want a guy who's always wearing black and always covering his eyes with his overly-gelled hair. I don't want a guy who looks like he didn't take a bath in over a century.

I want a guy who loves music. And who loves my kind of music.

He doesn't have to have a famous band, and it wouldn't matter if he can't play the guitar or even sing, but he should know my favorite band and my favorite song.

I want a guy who doesn't give too much surprises.

If he doesn't want to socialize with my friends, fine. But I would like it if he lets mine and his friends know that hey, this is my girlfriend.

Guys shouldn't be possesive. It's girls who are supposed to be that way. But I am not possesive. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.

He should understand that I used to do the romantic things he does to me now.

I don't want a very intelligent guy. He should be on my level, at least, or if possible rather slower than I am.

I don't want a guy who reads my blog and reads my secrets ~~and reads about my other bfs hehe~~.

I don't want an overly romantic guy. That would be annoying. But I don't want him overly taking me for granted too.

It's okay if a guy drinks, but not if he smokes. And nope, I won't restrain him from drinking every day or whenever he wants.

I don't like a guy who's uber ugly he won't even be presentable in a bf contest with Ching and Co.

No, he doesn't have to surpass Koren's Roeder or even Karen's Roneil, but I want him to be a notch higher than Khrisna's Regxel and Mharlet's Renz.

I don't like guys who promise they'd marry me someday or something. That's cheesiness on the uber one-hundredth level. And that's where undesirable things like. . . uh. . . happen.

And I want a guy who'd never, ever, ever think of me as stupid.

-----

Whatever. What the freaking hell have I been talking about?!

Erase. Erase. Erase. I change my mind. It's better to be single.

~~Pero kailan ba ko uleet magkakaroon ng bf/whatever cheverloo?!~~

I'm Officially More Than I Ever Was Before.

2008-06-26T17:06:00.006+08:00

Natawa ako dito sa dalawang babaeng taga-USI na katabi ko. High school pareho, naka-ID na yellow ang cord.

Girl 1: Taga-Naga City Science High School kaya sya!
Girl 2: Pano mo nalaman?
Girl 1: Hello, binasa ko kaya yung friendster nya!
Girl 2: Ay, taga-Science nga! Mga matitibay yan!

Yuhoo! Talagang di ko napigil mapangiti. Sana pwede ko sa kanilang sabihin na taga-Science din ako dati, at ~~mali ang iniisip nilang matatalino kami~~ salamat dahil hanggang ngayon ay di pa rin naman pala tuluyang sira ang reputasyon ng aking alma mater.

Nga pala, alam nyo bang na-dyaryo ang Naga City Science lately? Salamat sa Zephyrus batch! Click kayo DITO at nang malaman nyo.

-----

Hay naku.

~~Naextort~~ ~~nasuhulan~~ ~~napwersa~~ ~~nauto~~ ~~narape~~ na naman ako ni Kate sa bagay na gusto nyang mangyari. Ako naman, nagpapilit din. Haha. Sino mas baliw?

Okei. Ganito. Napilit nya ko ngayon mag-internet sa Willprint, P10 per hour. Oo, masaya. Kasi libre nya [siguro. Di pa ko mag-aassume. Pero parang may sinabi syang ganun.] Tapos, kasama ko syang nag-iinternet. Tapos, ano pa ba ang mahihingi ko? Kasi kasama ko na sya at lahat. Nag-uusap kami sa kung anu-anong bagay sa ibabaw ng universe.

Pero, ewan. Hindi ako natutuwa.

Hindi ko maenjoy ang moment. Kahit nung nilibre nya ko nung isang araw ng burger, at ng shake kahapon, wala talaga. Walang spark.

O baka guilty lang ako kasi nung isang araw pa namin sya pinaglololoko nung kablock ko ring si Kim. Haha. Bingi kasi si Kate pag may ginagawa. Tapos di nya mapigil tumawa sa loob ng limang minuto. In short, baliw din.

Di ayun. Pinagtripan namin sya ng matrip na si Kim. Tapos bulungan kami ng bulungan ng kung anu-ano tsaka itatanong namin kay Kate kung anong sinabi namin. Lagi namang di maririnig ni Kate kasi either nagtetext sya o busy katatawa.

Pero mahal na mahal namin ni Kim si Kate. Kahit ganun sya kabaliw. Sya lang ang nag-iisang taong may ganung tipong kapraningan. Kaya Kate, kung reader ka na ng blog ko [tulad ng promise mo kanina], WE LOVE YOU! AISHITE-IMASU!

-----

Kaya ayokong may kasam pag nag-iinternet eh. Tss.

This Has Been Said So Many Times That I'm Not Sure If It Matters.

2008-06-25T11:45:00.002+08:00

Bakit ganon?

Gusto ko sanang mag-chillax pagkatapos ng madugong entrance exam sa school paper ngayong umaga. Tapos may pera naman ako. Kaya excited na ko dun sa inaasahan kong chillaxation sa computer shop.

Tapos, bigla kong maaalalang maintenance pala ngayon ng fucking Dance Audition. Pfft. Badtrip.

-----

Maiyak-iyak ako sa hanep na entrance test ng The Pillars kanina.

I mean, hello. Grammar lang naman yun. GRAMMAR PA LANG YUN. Tapos di ko na agad kaya. Pano pa kaya yung writing exam sa Friday?

Balita ko, pasusulatin daw kami ng news, opinion at feature. At kailangang ipasa lahat. Shit. Makatao ba yun? Wala ko dun alam gawin ni isa. As in WALA.

Bakit ba kasi ang strict naman ng policies ng Ateneo school paper? Leche. Tapos di kami nakapag-gayahan ni Kate kasi andaming bantay na manunulat sa table namin. Nilaspag ng tadhana ang aming plan B. Haay.

At eto. Nadiskubre ko na hanggang ngayon, di ko alam kung ano ang S-TV-DO, S-TV-IO-DO, at S-LV-PA.

Pero naiyak ako kay Kate. Katatawa. Kasi, akala nya, interjection ang and, but, or, from, at mga kung anu-ano pang parang ganun. Haha.

-----

Nashock ako. Kasi parang utot lang yung bagyong Frank samin.

Tapos, dun sa mga kamag-anak pala ni Daddy sa Nueva Ecija, halos lumuwa pati bituka nila sa bilis nilang mag-evacuate dun sa binabaha nilang bahay.

Tapos may tumaob pang barko. Thanks be to God at wala akong kakilala dun. Aba, anu yun? Kala ko atheist ako. Hindi pala. Or should I say, hindi pa naman pala. Haha.

-----

Masama maging atheist.

Pero kung tatanungin ako, masama lang yun kasi andami pang may relihiyon sa mundo. Siguro 90% ng humanity may relihiyon. Isipin mo, kung kalahati na ng tao sa mundong ibabaw ang atheist, e di hindi na masama maging ganun.

Ai ewan. Pero ayoko maging atheist. Gusto ko namang may paniwalaan pa sa buhay kahit papano.

May kakilala si Mama na atheist dati, nung nasa Manila pa kami. Kapag weekends na bumibisita sya samin, tatawa sya kapag nakikita nya yung cross namin sa may dining table.

Tapos nung isang araw na nagcocolor ako ng religion textbook namin sa kindergarten, nilagyan nya ng sungay yung drawing na Papa Jesus.

A year after umuwi kami dito, nabalitaan nalang namin na tumalon sya dun sa rooftop ng Waldorf-Astoria towers sa USA habang nagbabakasyon sya ng mga barkada nya. Hay, amfufu.

Pero lagi kong iniisip kung nagbago pa ba sya. O kung naisip nya man lang ba si Papa Jesus bago sya lumapag dun sa naghihintay na aspalto sa ground floor.

-----

Nakakamorbid.

Whatever. Kahapon, nainis ako kay Malean kasi kinuha nya yung answer ko sa recitation sa Physics. Hindi ako nakasagot nung ako na ang tinatanong.

Ang problema nga lang, hindi ko naman sinabi sa kanya na sagot ko yun. Kaya pano nya naman malalaman na yun pala ang isasagot ko?

Inulit-ulit ko yan sa sarili ko. Pero kahit napaka-illogical nung kainisan ko, naiinis pa rin ako.

Haha. Bakit ba hindi ako maka-get over sa mga pagkakapahiya. Ayokong napapahiya. Gusto ko lagi ako ang magaling, bakeeeet?!

Ayoko na mag-communication. Puro astigin at magagaling ang mga tao sa block namin. Anyone can write, sabi nga dati ni Utakgago. Totoo yun. Oo nga't nakakapagsulat ako. Pero bakit, nakakapagsulat din naman sina Jeniperr, Malean at Kate, diba?

Magagaling ang mga ka-block ko. Oo, sabihin nating magaling ako. Kahit papano.

Pero sabi ko nga kay Kate kanina, ayokong maging one of the best. I want to be the best.

Gusto ko ako lang ang magaling. Oo, baliw, diba? Parang yung idea ko ng world domination. Amfufu.

Sigurado, sa Cadlan Mental Hospital, ako lang talaga ang pinakamagaling. Ako lang ang magmamay-ari ng daigdig.

-----

Wag Maingay, May Naglalaba!

2008-06-23T17:50:00.008+08:00

I am so ubeeer mad! Rawr. Rawr. Rawr!

Why? Why? WHY? [ano ba yan. Grabe ang problema ko sa redundancy. Tss.]

Because, some fucking pig STOLE MY FAVORITE BENCH SURF SHORTS!

HUHUHU!

Sabi kasi nung kapitbahay, may pumasok daw last week na baliw sa compound namin tapos nagnakaw ng damit na nakasampay sa labas. Pero ang alam ni Mama, dalawang pambahay na shorts lang ang nanakaw, at di nya pa alam kung kasama bang nakasampay doon yung shorts ko.

Kung pwede lang sana ipa-blotter. Hay, ang saya sigurong headlines nun. 'BENCH SHORTS, NINAKAW.'

Haai. Wala na rin naman siguro akong magagawa. Pero still, can't help but cry about it. . . kasi nga, that is my uber favorite as in super shorts. Huhu.

I mean, it's red, it's the only item of clothing I possess that's colored red, it's the coolest surf shorts I own, and it's from Bench. Haha, ang babaw.

Pero hindi lang naman yun eh. . . I've used the shorts on a billion sentimental occasions, like on ~~dates with Rani~~ and hangouts at Aira's house. Tapos considering na binili ko yung shorts na yun when we were about to go to Caramoan last 2007. Kaya nakita na nung shorts na yun ang kagandahan ng Caramoan.

Pero hindi parin yun. . . Eto na talaga. The real reason. The week before we went to Caramoan, binili ko yung shorts sa Bench outlet ng LCC. And guess who is my kasama?. . . syempre, my ex- ~~boy~~ bestfriend Dadee . . . ai, anu na nga bang pangalan nun? Tss.

Basta yun na yun. Tapos, that time, pakay ko talagang bumili ng shorts. And the moment na pumasok kami ni ex-Dadee, yun agad yung tinuro nya. And kahit P460+ ang price, XL ang size nun and loose saken, sabi ko, bibilihin ko na.

Kaso pagpunta namin sa counter, kulang yung pera ko ng around P75 and wala na kong barya . . . until nagprisinta si ex-Dadee na sya na magbabayad nung kulang. AT LIBRE NYA NA DAW YUNG P75. Aww. So okei, sya nagbayad nung kulang, nabili ko yung shorts, everybody's happy.

Yun ang okay kay ex-Dadee. . . ~~marami syang pera~~ mabait sya. Minsan. Pag nasa mood. Pero bihira. HAHA. I mean, ordinaryo lang ang ugali nya, kaya mabibigla ka pag bigla syang nagiging mabait - kapag bigla syang magprisintang magdala ng bag mo, ilibre ka ng lunch, at kung ano pa man.

Fine, oo na. Ngayong part ii birthday ko, kahit ~~animal~~ ~~demonyo~~ ~~peste~~ ~~salot~~ ~~impakto~~ pa man sya, nami-miss ko rin sya. Hay.

-----

Ai oo. Birthday ko ngayon! Pero ala kong panlibre sa kung sinuman ang nagpapalibre. Tss.

Pero masaya na ko sa mga greetings nyo. [Drama mode?] Yeah. Totoo yan. And mas masaya ako kasi kahit papano, yung mga taong di ko inaasahan, na-greet ako. Halimbawa, si Mara, na gamit ang ibang number ay bigla akong tinext habang niyeyelo na kami nila Malean sa viewing room kaninang alas-tres.

Si insang Trisha L., na akala ko ay nakalimutan nang may pinsan syang nawawala sa Ateneo, ay nagparamdam saken tungo fs.

Pero ang talagang hindi ko inasahang babati saken ay ang aking mga blockmates, na mukhang walang ibang pakialam sa mundo kundi gumulong sa kung anuanong kalokohan at magtatatawa at magpasiklaban at magyabangan.

Binati ako ng happy birthday nila crush Kate, Shen at Jillian! Haha. Ano naman?

-----

Hindi man naging masyadong masaya ngayon [kasi di kami nagkitakits ng mga katropa] natuwa naman ako sa last subject ngayon na Basic Algebra.

Pag BA kasi, katabi ko sina Shen, Jillian at Malean. Tapos sa mga ganitong oras, joker si Shen kaya masaya.

Kanina, tinuruan kami ng napakabagal naming Math teacher kung pano mag-add at subtract ng integers. Nakakabadtrip nga kasi gagamit pa ng number line, tapos magkamali ka lang ng isang tuldok, papatayin ka agad ng perfectionist na teacher na si Mam, ay este, Dr. Solis.

Tumawa kami nina Shen at Jillian sa marami-raming bagay. Tulad nung sinabi ni Shen na mas mahirap pa daw ang ginagawa sa math ng kapatid nyang grade 5. At kung anu-ano pang bagay na nangyayari sa math. Gumulong-gulong kami sa kanerbyosan dahil sa napakadali namang boardwork, na enjoy siguro kung ibang teacher ang nagpapagawa pero torture sa ilalim ni Dr. Solis.

Natapos ang isa't kalahating oras ng matematika na hindi na kami pareho sigurado ni Shen kng marunong kami mag-add o subtract. Nakakatakot kasi si Dr. Solis dahil pag mali ka, ~~kakatayin~~ ~~kakainin~~ talagang sisigawan ka nya ng WRONG! Hay. Anu ba yun.

Shen: Mali kaya yang example ni Madam!
[points at example letter D, which shows (-5) - (-3) = (-8)]
Ako: Ai, oo. Diba dapat magiging plus (+3)? E di dapat. . .uh. . .
Shen: Ai, Naxcz, tama! Kasi magiging plus yung minus!
Ako: Hindi!. . . Ay, tama nga! Kasi. . .
Shen: Ai. Mali talaga! [Bubulung-bulong sa sarili na parang nasisiraan ng bait] Hindi! Tama sya!
Ako: Mali nga! Kasi ang answer, dapat 2!
Jillian: [Nagpapaturo lang dapat kay Shen] Ano ba?? Mali kasi (-2) kaya!

Laugh, laugh, laugh. Buti pa si Jillian at alam yung sagot. Pero alam nyo ba na nagte-table tennis si Jillian? Sporty chick! [anong konek?]

-----

Naudlot ang dapat sana'y pagkikita-kita namin ng iba pang nasa Ching ang Co.

Pero sa mga nasa Ching and Co., rescheduled raw ayon kay Mharlet. Next week, Monday, 4.30pm, sa Emall. Kitakits!

Hoy. Magkalinawan nga tayo. Di ako manlilibre ha.

-----

May ginawa ako ngayon sa school na kamangha-mangha at katakut-takot. Hulaan nyo. Pero mild naman ang reaksyon ng karamihan sa aking mga kakilala, kahit sina Alexa at Uncle at kung sinu-sino pang dating Naguenian.

Eto lang ang nakawindang saken.

[nang papasok ako sa gate namin] [sumigaw] "HOY, PUTA MAY SEKSIHUN!"
-Karen Asico [sino pa nga ba?]

[mabait at inosenteng ngiti] "Kaya pala bago hairstyle mo ngayon kasi birthday mo, tapos di ka man lang nagsasalita, HANEP KA!"
-ang aking mukhang super inosente, tahimik at angelic na kablock na si Charmaine [mukha lang pala, heehee]

Hay, naku. Happy birthday kay Naxcz!

-----

Shopping for Labels, Shopping for Love, Manolo and Louis is All I'm Thinking Of.

2008-06-20T10:29:00.005+08:00

Nakakainis kapag nagkaroon ka na ng pera tsaka pinayagan ka nang lumabas para magcomputer, pero saktong paglabas mo ng gate, saka naman bumuhos yung ulan.

Nakakainis kapag nagkaroon ka na ng lakas ng loob na magvolunteer sa klase, tapos ang ipapagawa pala sayo, ~~tumalon mula 3rd floor ng Arrupe building~~ mag-erase ng blackboard.

Nakakainis kapag nag-overnight kayo sa Ateneo, tapos nahiya kang sumali dun sa Singing Bee contest. Yun pala, alam mo naman lahat ng kanta.

Nakakainis kapag nagnanakaw ka ng picture ni Jessica de Silva sa friendster gamit ang friendster ng ate mo.

Nakakainis kapag nakatabi mo na rin sa wakas yung gusto mong makilalang si Jillian, tapos wala naman kayong magawa kundi ~~maglandian~~ magngitian hanggang polluted na yung ngipin mo.

Nakakainis kapag gusto mo sanang magreply sa mga comment sayo sa fs, pero sooooper nakakatamad nga lang.

Nakakainis kapag nakasalubong mo si Jessica sa corridors habang nakangiti siya sayo, tapos ngingiti ka naman, until you realize na yung nasa likod mo pala yung nginingitian nya.

Nakakainis kapag biglang sasandal sayo si Kate, tapos kahit gusto mo syang sigawan na, "Wag ka nga makadikit saken, ~~baka manggigil ako sayo ang cute-cute mo~~!" hindi mo magawa kasi kung tutuusin, natutuwa ka naman sa ginagawa nya.

Nakakainis kapag pinuri pareho ng mga ~~crush~~ mong si Shen at Ate Nagie yung drawing mo, tapos wala kang magawa kundi matameme sa sobrang kahihiyan.

Nakakainis kapag hindi ka makatulog kakaisip ng kung anu-ano.

Nakakainis kapag 5 hours ka na sa comshop at magbabayad ka ng P100 dahil lang sa umuulan sa labas at di ka makaalis.

Nakakainis kapag dumating ka ng sakto sa oras sa hintayan nyong magkakablock, tapos ikaw pa lang ang taong andun.

Nakakainis kapag kailangan pang mag-commit ng mama mo ng bloody murder tuwing umaga dahil lang sa pagsisisigaw mo ng "May ipis/spider/butiki/uod/Reuben sa CR!!!"

Nakakainis kapag nakakita ka na ng mura at malupet ang design na Havaianas, tapos ang size nalang na meron, size 6 na siguradong di kasya sa pangdinosaur mong paa.

Nakakainis kapag kailangan mo pang magtext ng mga bayarin sa eskwela sa nanay mo na bilyong light years away ang layo sayo, at pagkasabi mo na next next week na ang prelims nyo, sasagutin ka naman na third week of July pa sya magpapadala.

Nakakainis kapag nagsimula ka ng nobela, tapos mawawalan ka ng inspirasyon, kaya iiwan mo nanamang bitin.

Nakakainis kapag pumasok ka lang nang madali sa CR, sasabihan mo yung kasama mo na "Madali lang, hintayin mo ko dito," tapos paglabas mo, poof! koko krunch!. . .wala na sya.

Nakakainis kapag ikaapat mo nang balik sa PE department tapos lagi silang may rason para ipagkait sayo ang PE uniform mo: lunch break, ubos na, small size nalang ang natira, ~~e kung isaksak ko kaya itong resibo ko sa mga ilong nyo?!~~

Nakakainis kasi kung kailan mo naman narealize na favorite mo na pala yung teacher mo sa Study and Thinking, saka naman makakaisip ang English department na ilipat ka dun sa kabilang klase na parang bumangon na bangkay ang nagtuturo.

Nakakainis kasi sa lahat pa naman na pwedeng hiraman ng ate mo ng bible na gagamitin mo sa Theology, yung ex mo pang halos ayaw mo nang pakitaan pa ang hiniraman nya.

Nakakainis kasi kung kailan naman parinig na nang parinig sayo si Kate na nilalamig na siya, saka ka naman walang dalang jacket, tapos nahihiya ka namang magprisintang yakapin sya.

Nakakainis kapag gustung-gusto mong kausapin si Ching tungkol kay Kate o kay Ease o kung sino pa man na hudyo, pero nahihiya ka namang tumawag sa kanila.

Nakakainis kapag natutuhan mo na ang Samson sa piano, pero wala ka namang mapagtugtugan nito.

Nakakainis kapag gumising ka ng napakaaga para sa PE class, tapos excused ka naman pala kasi ~~tinuruan mo ng kamasutra yung teacher mo kagabi~~ sumali ka sa voyadores street dancing.

Nakakainis kapag online ka tapos lagi pa kayong nagkakasalisihan ni Aira, na wala na rin namang oras na bumisita sa blog mo.

Nakakainis kapag gusto mong tulungan si baby Dhen sa assignment nya sa English Plus, pero lagi nya itong naiiwan sa bahay kapag magkakausap kayo.

Nakakainis kapag may sweet na magbf sa tabi mo, tapos naiinggit ka.

Nakakainis kasi sa buong buhay at pagkabuhay mo, hanggang ngayon, sa dami ng tao sa mundo, si Patrick Dempsey, Ken Hirai at Kevin Santiago pa rin lang ang mga lalakeng papalicious para sayo.

Nakakainis kapag kadaldalan mo na sina Khrisna, Mharlet, Koren, Ching, Kevin, Nikko at Aira sa Mcdo, tapos kapag hahawakan mo na yung french fries, biglang tutunog ang alarm ng cp mo, magigising ka at makikitang panaginip lang pala ang lahat.

Nakakainis kapag wala kang ibang makitang maganda sa building nyo sa Ateneo na mukhang tao kundi si Jessica at si Zerlaine, na may sched na T-Th sa ikatlong klasrum mula sainyo.

Nakakainis kapag wala kang pambili ng libro sa Physics tapos biglang may papasagutan sainyo dun na 8 pages ang dami, copy and answer pa.

Nakakainis kapag nasulatan ng kaklase mong bakla ang likuran mo, at kahit gaano mo siya gustong saksakin ng ballpen mo, hindi mo magawa kasi hindi mo alam kung may kakampi ba sayo.

Nakakainis kasi ang tagal ko nang naglililibot gamit yung one-inch high kong closed shoes, tapos kahit anong gawin ko, ~~para parin akong kabayong tinuli~~ di ko mapatahimik ang lintik na heels.

Nakakainis kapag mas gusto mong gumawa ng individual critique paper kaysa group role play sa Social Sci, tapos nanalo ang bwisit na role play sa votation.

Nakakainis kapag nanlalabo na ang mata mo kaya't hindi mo na makitang sumasayaw si Jessica sa stage na at least 20 meters away lamang.

Nakakainis kapag ikaw lang ang nag-iisang 3b sa klase mo sa SRA, at wala kang mapagtanungan ng gagawin mo kundi sarili mo at sarili mo.

Nakakainis kapag nanonood ng Chicosci videos ang katabi mo sa comshop, at naaalala mo ang isang dating kaibigan na siguradong limot na limot ka na ngayon.

Nakakainis kapag nag-eedit ka ng html code tapos di mo makuha-kuha kung paano maglagay ng title sa mga posts.

Nakakainis kasi kung kailan ka naman walang kapera-pera, saka naman may lilitaw na malupet na tshirt sa Bench.

Nakakainis kasi yung allowance mong P700 na nga lang ngayong June, magbebertday ka na lang at lahat, di mo pa nakukuha.

Nakakainis kasi kung kailan ka naman magbebertday part II, na tama na sanang rason para magkitakits kayo ulit ng barkada mo sa Mcdo, saka ka naman ~~magtatago~~ walang panglibre.

Nakakainis kasi kahit gustung-gusto mo nang magpunta ng NCSHS para alamin ang kalagayan dun nina Franklyn, Rica, Rani, Mara, Nat at Lei, ikinahihiya mo ang iyong uniporme at mukha na tadtad ng bwisit na pimples.

Nakakainis kapag ubos na ang Metathione soap mong worth P368 tapos hindi mo naman makitang pumuti ka.

Nakakainis kasi may bagyo pala, di mo man lang alam.

Nakakainis kasi kung kailan gusto mong kumain ng Famous Bowl sa KFC, saka naman na-sold out.

Nakakainis kasi alam mo nga ang pangalan nung crush mo sa PE, pero hindi mo naman alam kung paano kayo magkakakilala.

Nakakainis kapag masakit na ang mata mo kakacomputer, pero patuloy ka lang sa pagpost ng mga messages sa ym ng mga barkada mo dahil takot kang baka makalimutan ka na nila.

Nakakainis kapag lalapit sayo si Kate, titripan ka sabay sabi ng "Maldita!" tapos matatawa ka kahit ayaw mo kasi ikaw ang nagturo sa kanya ng word na yun.

Nakakainis kapag kung kailan mo naman napagdesisyunan na mas masaya ang mgaing single and ready to mingle forever and cheverloo, saka naman lalapit ang isang taong ~~malandi~~ magbabago ng pananaw mo.

At lalong mas nakakainis kung wala kang magawa sa mga nang-iinis sayo.

Friday Morning, Rain is Falling.

2008-06-20T09:28:00.005+08:00

Haha. Ano ba yun. Dapat nag-e-aerobics at tuma-tumbling ako ngayon sa klase namin sa PE.

Pero ang lecheng teacher naman namin, di kami pinagsabihan agad na kung nagparticipate ka pala sa Voyadores dance bullshit, excused ka sa klase ngayong araw.

E nagparticipate ako. Oo, sumayaw ako na parang pilay na kangaroo hanggang kulay purple na yung paa ko. Matutuwa sana si Rani kung nakita nya, kasi favorite color nya yun. Kaso, di nya nga nakita. Wala ni isa sainyo ang nakakita. HAHAHA. Nailigtas ako sa matinding kahihiyan.

Pero actually, nakita ako nina Kevin at Edlyn. Buti na lang, hindi kami sumasayaw dun sa parteng yun. Buti pa sila kasi nung mga oras na yun, papunta sila ng NCSHS.

Buti pa yung mga taong may oras magpunta sa mga alma mater nila. At lalong mas mabuti yung mga nakakakuha ng kasama papunta sa alma mater nila. *sigh*

------

Oha oha! May bago akong babae sa blog ko. Hanapin nyo. Basta masasabi ko lang, nagsawa na ko kay Rani at Mara.

Mali ang iniisip nyo. Hindi ko pinagsawaan yung dalawang yun. Gusto ko lang ng bagong cover girl. At syempre, naka-move on na rin naman ako kay Rani.

Kaya ano pa ang punto ng pagtambay nila sa blog ko?

Ipagpatawad nyo kung napakalaki ng photo ng aking dyosa dyan. Marami akong picture nya na ninakaw ko. Pero utang na loob, HUWAG KAYONG MAGSUSUMBONG SA KANYA.

Pero kung sabagay, baka sa ganda nyang yun, sanay na rin siyang pinagnanakawan ng photo.

-----

Nakasalubong ko ang dyosang si Jessica kahapon sa 2nd floor ng Arrupe! Haha. Wala naman.

Dapat pala ay lagi akong nagpapahuli ng isang minuto sa NSTP para makasalubong ko siya. Hehe. Muntik ko pa ngang mabunggo. Ang ganda nya kahit nakauniform.

Tapos, nung autonomous celeb namin nung 17, sumayaw siya. At kahit malayo ako tsaka di ko siya masyado makita, muntik na kong mainlab sa kanya.

Pero huwag nyo ngang ma-misinterpret to ah. Crush ko lang yun. Di ko lab. Kasi wala naman akong ma-lab ngayon. Puro pangit at mababaw ang mga tao sa mundong ibabaw.

Meron naman sanang hindi mababaw tsaka masayang kasama, si Christine Kate. Kaso, ayon kay Baby Dhen, di nya daw type ang ganun para saken.

Alam nyo naman ako. Pag di pasado sa baby ko, ayoko. Hehe.

------

Alam ko na ang pangalan nung crush ko sa PE class! Natanong ko kasi kay Kate, na Atenista din dati. Yum yum. Handa na ba kayo?

Okei. Renee Ivy Rances. Yun ang name nya.

Ano ba yan. Andami ko tuloy napagpapantasyahan na chicks. Yun ang masaya sa big school. Maraming chicks. Di katulad ng NCSHS na puro lantang gulay ang mga pagmumukha ng mga babae. Kung di naman kasi taken na yung mga babae dun, nilaspag na either ng mga libro o ng mga lalake. Haha. Ayan tuloy, pagtuntong ko ng Ateneo, para akong carabao which made kawala sa cage.

Isama mo pa si Joanna Samantha at si Jessica at si Angel at si Zerlaine [huh? chick pala yun?] at kung sinu-sino pa kay Renee. Haaay. Heaven!

-----

Waw. Andami kong na-make kwento.

Right. I'll make more kwento pa. Kasi baka ito nalang ang chance ko. Tumaas ang innernet rate at kulang din ang oras ko mag-innernet.

Kanina pa ko naeengget dito sa katabi kong magbf. Nilalanggam sila sa ~~kacheapan~~ kasweetan eh. Tapos pareho namang may ichura kaya di naman masyadong masagwa tignan. Maporma yung guy, nakaskirt na loose yung girl, pero keri nya naman.

Grabe makadukot yung kamay nung guy. As in hindi na kailangan ng mapa kasi parang kabisadong-kabisado nya na yung babae nya. Kanina kasi, yung kamay ng guy nasa loob ng bulsa nung girl na nagcocomputer.

Tapos ngayon, pagtingin ko ulit,pucha! Yung kamay nung guy, nasa ilalim na nung skirt ni girl. At ewan ko kung saan mismo - pwedeng sa hita lang, pwede din sa flower ni girl. Punyeta bilis ah! ~~Sana ako nalang yung girl.~~ Sana magkaroon rin ako ng gf na ganun ka-liberated. HAHA.

I'm so inlababo with Samson by Regina Spektor ra'now. Dati pa naman eh. Tapos yung bagong song ni Fergie, yung Labels or Love.

Haay. I want to make nood Sex and The City na tuloy. Haha. Bakit ba ko nagfeefeelingera lingo. Tss. Pero I bet super nakakatuwa yun. Kahit di ko naman talaga trip si Sarah Jessica Parker.

Tapos gusto ko pang panoorin yung Ocean's Thirteen na antagal na pero di ko pa napapanood. Tapos yung Get Smart tsaka yung isa pang di ko maalala kung ano. Ai, naalala ko na! Syempre yung Made of Honour. Kasi andun si Papa Patrick Dempsey!

Punyetang Imeem naman to o. Super laggg. Rawr. Naiinterrupt ang pakikinig ko ng Samson. Rawr.

-----

Sa totoo lang 'day, ang gusto kong gawin ngayon, maglaro ng WarRock o Counter Strike at mampuksa ng mga bakla.

Galit na galit ako kahapon dun sa kaklase kong baklitang si Janox. [see post below.]

Pano ba naman kasi, nung nakalinya kami sa SRA tapos nasa likod ko siya, bigla akong niyakap tapos sinulatan yung likod ko nung punyetang ballpen nya. Ang haba kaya, tapos ang kapal nung sulat, kasi HBW black ballpen nya.

Nagsorry naman agad. Pero pota, I bet sinadya nya yun. Kasi nakakaramdam naman ako kung may galit saken ang tao. Eh nararamdaman ko kaya yun sa kanya.

Ngumiti nalang ako. Alam nyo yun, yung teribleng ngiti ko pag talagang galeeeet ako. Hindi naman naintindihan nung naturang bakla. Nagmukha pa tuloy akong tanga. Kasi nasulatan na nga yung uniporm ko, nakangiti pa ko. Amfufu.

Pagdating ko sa bahay, pinaliguan ko ng mura yung uniporm ko. Tapos kinuskos ko alternately with Ariel and Zonrox hanggang nawalan ng kaluluwa yung gamit kong brush. Buti natanggal naman. Kasi kung hindi, baka ipainom ko kay Janox yung Zonrox. Tapos ipakain ko pa sa kanya yung bote. Ng buo. Hayup na yun.

Naiinsecure siguro sa beauty ko ang lolo. Hoy, kung inggit ka, magpa-major retoke ka. Pero I bet di yan effective sayo. Magiging kamukha mo lang si Michael Jackson. Walang makakagaya ng beauty ko, buwisit!

-----

Natawa ako masyado sa NSTP kahapon. Hindi lang dahil sa nakasalubong ko si Jessica, syempre - lalong hindi rin kasi na-cancel ang NSTP namin. Ang saya-saya pa naman ni Ma'am VDD.

Kasi ganito. May dumating na engot galing sa OSA. Tapos binigyan kami ng pagkahaba-habaaaaaaaaaang test tungkol sa studying habits mo.

Pero hindi pa rin yun ang masaya. Kasi ang sumunod dun, isa pang test - this time, pipili ka ng mga bagay na bumabagabag sayo mula sa listahan ng 350 bagay na pwedeng makapagpabagabag sayo. Tapos, dun sa mga napili mo, lalagyan mo ng underline yung mga super, duper, extreme na bumabagabag talaga sayo as in.

Hindi pa rin yun ang nakakatawa. Ang masaya dun, kasi andaming cute na mga items. Maaaring nababagabag ka sa buhay mo tsaka gusto mo nang gumulong sa daan ng rumaragasang karabao. Pwedeng nababagabag ka ng 'not finding your place in the world', 'unsure of your vocation', 'mother', 'girlfriend', 'having no place to entertain your friends', 'having no friends', o di kaya e 'worried about not getting married.'

Ano pa nga ba yung mga inilagay kong problema sa buhay? Syempre, may check yung 'mother.' Tapos yung 'not enough money for dates', 'worried about not being successful', 'wanting to have a
~~sexmate~~ girlfriend', 'worried about a past love affair', at kung anuano pa.

Tapos ano naman yung nilagyan ko ng underline? ETO. Yung iba.

-not enough money for clothes. Never akong magkakaroon ng enough money for clothes. Not until kasingyaman ko na si Fergie.
-afraid of being dependent on financial support. Ayoko nun. Kung pwede nga lang, ako na magpapaaral sa sarili ko.
-afraid of not finding a job in my chosen vocation. Nakakatakot kaya yun. Mahal na ang bigas ngayon. [konek??]
-worried about not being successful. Lintik! Ito ang saktong nagdedefine ng mga pinaggagagawa kong pagsasakripisyo ngayon, tapos di ako magiging saksespul?! Tatalon nalang ako sa rooftop!
-~~dissatisfied with my sexual life.~~ Ai sheeeet! No wei! I mean, wala talaga ko nyan ano. Baka isipin nyo red-hot ang mga gabi ko dahil dyan e.

Tapos may tanong pa dun. Kung may mga troubles pa daw ba ko na hindi nakasali dun sa 305 items. Wala kong maisip isulat dun.

Pero yung classmate kong si ChanChan, meron. 'Not enough money to buy condoms.'

Tapos nung tinanong namin sya ni Jeniperr, "Anong flavor ba favorite mo, Chan?"

Chan: "Hot and spicy!!!"

~~Ano kayang mararamdaman ng girl pag ganun?~~

-----

Uuui! Nagmoment kami nung 17 ni Kate. Hahaha. Moments pa nga eh.

Halos buong araw. And I mean from 9am nung 17 hanggang 5.30am nung 18.

Wala naman. Mga holding hands lang yun. Tapos nung mass, habang nagtetext siya dun sa imposibleng cp nya tsaka kakwentuhan ko si Nix, ~~humilata~~ ~~nakipaglampungan~~ sumandal siya sa shoulder ko. Pati rin nung pagkagabi, nung inaantok na kami pareho.

Uuuuui! Haha. Hindi ako inlab. Hindi ako dapat mainlab. Ano ba!

Nooooo. Hindi pa to lab. Hindi to dapat lab. Rawr!

------

Ai ewan. Marami pa sana kong ikukwento. Pero ala nakong pera pang computer eh.

Woohoo. Na-master ko na ang paggamit ng strikethrough font. Haha.

Nagtext si Kate ng kowts! Ngi. Ano ba yun. Tss.

The Comments On My . . .

2008-06-16T17:41:00.003+08:00

"Babaehon ka, bro!" [sabay tulak saken]
-Kuya Jeff.

"Ang ganda-ganda mo ~~nonoy~~ nini. Para kang teacher!"
-my dear Mama.

"Blooming ka ai! Pero mas maganda pa rin samin, HAHAHA!"
-Ate Chai.

"Bulate, Naxcz . . . !" [sabay tingin saken mula ulo hanggang paa]
-Uncle Mae-mae.

"Wit-wiw ka sister! Seksihun!"
-Malean.

"Whoaaaaa, si Naxcz!"
-classmates Che, Contessa, Jaz, Sarah, and Kirsten.

"Hi!"
-classmate ~~and semi-crush~~ Shen. [ang labo!]

[simple wide smile]
-~~crush~~, Jillian. [isa pang malabo, tsk!]

"Yudi man si Naxcz!"
-classmate Jeniperr.

"Ang cute-cute mo, MALDITA!"
-classmate ~~and semi-crush~~ Kate.

"Ashushushuuuuuuu!" [ano daw?]
-classmate Kim.

"You're so cute even in that . . ."
-ang sasabihin sana ng aking dyosang si Jessica de Silva, kung close lang kami.

[tawa] [ngiti] [tawa ulit] [sabay turo] "Naxcz?!?!. . ."
-classmate and ~~crush~~, Ate Nagie.

"Ampanget mo!" [sabay sapak]
-Claire Caceres

"Whoo, padi!"
-Vicsel Ojeda

"Babaehun!"
-Phaoee Velasco

[staring at my foot] "Yudi man, ilang inch yan?"
-Aida Lopo

"Anong oras ang duty natin sa South Star Drug?"
-Janine Diaz

[nilabas yung dila sabay kindat]
-Ivy Apognol

[wide grin]
-Nikko

"Bakla ka Naxcz!"
-Irish Panuelos

"Abaaaaaaa. . ."
-ex-___ Joanna Samantha

[smile] "Pakisabi kay Chai na kailangan ko yung bible sa Thursday." [pause, then smile again] "Iniiwasan mo ba ko?"
-ex-___ Gwen

"We will cut off all negotiations unless you send the fifteen million!"
-kidnappers ni Ces Drilon

[sings] "Robot ka ba, robot ka baaaaaa. . . "
-Von Erwin Morano

"The. . .in. . .ter. . .sec. . .tion. . .of. . .A. . .and. . .B. . .zzzzzz. . ."
-the new Math teacher, Dr.Solis

"Ngayon lang kaya kita nakitang nakaganyan!"
-classmate Chan-chan.

"Ayoko ng magpractice sa beba-beba. . . ay, mahigpit saken, patingin ng sayo!" [nakaka-GM]
-classmate Sarah

"Goshh. I feel so hot. Ang kati-kati pa, ano?" [bastos na nilalang!]
-classmate Vanessa

[sinok] [ngiti] [sabay luwa ng mata] [turo] [tingin mula ulo hanggang feet] [bayolenteng tawa] "NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
-ang nasiraan ng bait na si Lady Lee.

Kung hindi mo alam kung ano ang tinutukoy nilang lahat, KAWAWA KA NAMAN. Tss.

Getting Off My Chest, The Story Ends.

2008-06-13T19:33:00.002+08:00

I hate talking about money matters.

I don't know why, but lately, it seems like people mind so much if you've got a high status of living or not. I mean, yeah, it does matter to me, but what matters is my status, not others. I don't look at someone and try to discover if he's rich or not. What I care about is if he's approachable, or nice, or friendly, and all the beyond-looks stuff.

And I hate it when people press upon me how rich-looking I am. Only yesterday I was irritated when this gay classmate of mine, Janox, asked me how wealthy I am. Like, it's not your problem, bitch.

I tried to smile [I was such in a good mood at that moment, because I just discovered my level in SRA is 3b] and replied, "I'm not rich, we're just a middle-class family."

He pointed to my shoes [Bench] and asked, "Diba Chucks yan?" Well, what the fuck do you care? I maintained my politeness. "No," I answered, "That's Bench."

And he looked at my pants [Bench] and brown poloshirt [Penshoppe] and said, "Ang yaman mo ano? Nakakainggit ka." Duh, haven't I just said we're not rich? Sometimes people could be stubborn and nagging. What the heck. "Hindi nga ko mayaman." I said.

"Oo kaya! Look at your clothes, your bag [Penshoppe]. You - are - so - mayaman! I don't know kung bakit mo pa tinatanggi. Pero bakit wala kang iPod? Bakit 2870 lang ang cp mo?" Janox pressed on.

Fucking gays! I hated this one instantly. Who the hell is he to judge me? "Wala kaming pera pambili ng iPod, ok? Bakit ba ang kulit mo?"

-----

Yesterday afternoon after practice, Dhen and I were walking home when she suddenly told me about her younger life.

"Alam mo, Nackie," she began, "ang saya-saya ng buhay namin dati, parang sainyo ngayon. Kasi, that time na nasa elementary pa ko, ang sarap lagi ng ulam. Tapos yun ung time na lagi kaming may ice cream sa ref, andaming chocolate. . ."

I was righteously surprised. Because what she was narrating was the things we also had when I was younger and still living back in Manila: ice cream, Polo candies, fried chicken and other main courses every dinnertime, and when Mommy comes home, at least three full plastic bags of imported chocolates. Dad was around then, and when you tell him you want pizza, you'll find yourself the next moment with him at a table in Pizza Hut. Mama always tells us that Dad makes her throw away a lot of leftover pieces of gigantic pork chops back then. And when I go to school, a can of Pringles or Picnic was nothing out of the ordinary.

But now, times have changed. As rice becomes more expensive and scarce, so does money for our family. Now, there are three of us studying in college, Mommy is getting older, and Dad sends money barely enough for food. Now, even to taste pork chops once a week is a blessing, and the last time I ate pizza is way back October, when Mommy arrived.

I only get to buy designer clothes because I am very good at budgeting my meager allowance, and believe me, it's never fun to forgo buying recess or essentials such as rubbing alcohol and shampoo just to buy a single shirt from Bench. And why do I keep on buying these clothes though they're way above our means? Simply because they last longer, I can use them longer, and they stay in style longer.

It hurts to be called rich when you're not. It's equally hard to be pretentious that you're rich. We aren't rich, and much as I want to be, we simply are not. So why does people think so much that we are rich when we aren't?

Back then, we were probably rich. But now, to be called that is way out of reality.

You Suck So Passionately! You're A Parasitic, Psycho, Filthy Creature!

2008-06-12T18:55:00.000+08:00

Maligayang Araw ng Kalayaan!

Malaya ako ngayon. At dahil nga malaya ako, gagamit muna ako ng wikang Filipino.

Ngayon naman na ako'y nagsasawa na sa pagiging bagong Atenista at sa pagsasayaw-sayaw sa kalye na parang pilay na kangaroo, kukwentuhan ko naman kayo tungkol sa mga sikreto ng kung sinu-sinong tao.

O sabihin na lamang kaya natin na wala lang talaga kong maikwento.

Hindi naman. Ako, maubusan ng ikukwento? Aba, madaldal ata ako! Pero dahil sa nasa devilish mood ako ngayon, ito muna ang gagawin ko. Kung tutuusin, iniisip ko na nga na gumawa ng isa pang blog na nakatutok lamang sa mga sikreto ng kung sinu-sino. Pero mukhang matagal pa yun. Ay, ewan. Eto na't simulan na lamang natin.

Okey. Eto ang mga taong may sikretong alam ko. Nakakasalubong mo sila sa centro, nakakasabay mo sa pedicab, baka nga kaklase mo pa sa kurso mo. Hindi mo sila kilala o kilala mo sila.

At magkalinawan tayo, na WALA AKONG SASAGUTIN KAHIT ANUMAN NA TANONG NYO KUNG SINO SI GANITO AT GANYAN. Malay mo, andito ka pa! Ano, simulan na natin?

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1 :: Ang Babaeng Hindi Naliligo. Oo, obvious naman sa title ng paragraph na ito kung anong problema niya. Huwag na kayong magtanong kung paano ko nalaman, okay? Naliligo naman siya. Pero every other day nga lamang. Bakit? Dahil kung araw-araw siyang maliligo, masisira ang kanyang napakagandang buhok. Sayang, maganda at seksi pa naman siya. At hindi siya ang tipo ng chick na itinatago ang kanyang alindog. Hahaha!

2 :: Kawawa ka, manhid siya! Ang tagal-tagal-tagaaaaal mo na siyang gusto. And I mean matagal as in halos kalahating dekada na ang nakalipas. Pero anong magagawa natin kung hindi ka talaga niya matutuhang magustuhan? Alam mo, maganda ka naman, at andaming lalaki diyan sa mundo na naghihintay at naghahabol rin sayo. Sa tingin ko, kung hindi ka naman kasi naghahanap ng katulad niya, kaugali niya, kasing-perpekto niya at in short, isa na namang 'siya', makakahanap ka rin ng matino diyan na matino ring magmamahal sayo, diba?

3 :: Supladita, Maldita, Ano Ka Ba? Oo, hindi kita naiintindihan. Kasi nung una tayong magkakilala, napakamahiyain mo, pero kung pagtitiisan, masaya kang kausap. Tapos, nung sunod naman tayong magkaharap, tinatarayan mo na ko at ayaw mong kausapin. Kahapon naman, nung nagpapraktis tayo ng street dance, napatingin ka sakin at bigla mo kong tinawag at kinawayan. Ngayon, noong ngumiti naman ako sayo, tinalikuran mo na naman ako. Ano bang problema mo? Siguro, lagi kang 'meron', ano?

4 :: May Alam Ako Sayo, Ikaw Pa Nga Nagsabi! Halos atakihin ako sa pagkabigla nang malaman kong may alaga pala siya. Kulay itim, magaspang ang balat, makapal, mahaba, at masayang hatak-hatakin. Oo, may dildo siya. Na madalas niyang gamitin, tuwing wala siyang kasama sa bahay at wala siyang ginagawa. Ang saya-saya siguro ng weekends niya.

5 :: Nakasagasa ako, pa'no na to? May motorsiklo siya na matagal niya nang ginagamit pagpasok sa eskwela. Hindi nga lang siya rehistrado, at hindi nakakaisip ng pag-aaplay kahit ng student's license. Noong isang linggo, mahuhuli na siya sa kanyang alas-nwebeng klase kaya't pinaharurot niya ang kanyang motor at lumusot sa isang short cut sa Magarao. Ang problema nga lang ay may puting asong biglang lumabas sa kanyang daraanan, nahagip niya ito at ito'y tumilapon; tinakbuhan niya na lamang ang naturang aso at ni hindi alam kung napatay ba ang kanyang nasagasaan.

-----

As usual, tinatamad na kong magpatuloy. Isa pa, ako'y abala sa pagha-hunting ng mga picture ng aking pinakamamahal at kinababaliwan ngayon, ang aking Jessica. Ciao!

Sometimes We Hover And We Weep for the Other Who Was Dying Since The Day They Were Born.

2008-06-10T11:06:00.002+08:00

Weekends for me are never usually fun.

So I was so irritated on my first weekend of school. As you know [or I think you don’t know?] on Fridays, my only class is PE from seven to nine in the morning. So basically, I’ve got roughly three weekend days.

But Monday was declared a holiday. Plus, today is our student assembly, and some blockmate of mine said we won’t be doing anything, so why bother coming? I wanted to attend, but I am late, so here I am typing these things.

In my five-day weekend, I drew up a schedule of what I’m going to do. Mama wanted us to stay at Calabanga during those days, so it was somehow complicated, but still I got everything in order so I won’t be bored and finish all my schoolwork on time.

But as usual, things didn’t turn out quite as expected. Shit happens!

Friday

I arrived at the Ateneo covered court five minutes after seven, practically late. Bakit ba kasi ang layo-layo ng gate sa CC and sa building namin? Darn. Seems like all my classes in Ateneo are held at the end of the world.

Anyway. Almost every one of my 45 other classmates was there, except the teacher, some mysterious creature named Ma’am Saavedra. I thought I was alone in that class because it was a non-block section and though Nikko and I had the same schedule, boys were separated from girls. But then I learned Dhen is my classmate – yahoo, Baby Dhen!

Ma’am Saavedra arrived ten minutes even later than I am. She looks so principal-like in the faculty photos; she’s actually a jolly short fellow in a jogging suit and shocking bright-silver Nike rubber shoes that looked like she stole it from her daughter or something.

Ma’am S was certainly weird, because imagine, she has two other classes at Fridays held simultaneously – which leaves her teaching three different classes, each with 45+ students, all at the same time! Monstrosity. I don’t know how she’d manage to teach us.

Okay. So Dhen and I and everyone was surprised when she suddenly made all of us form four lines in the middle of the CC. What the heck?! Next minute, Ma’am S was demonstrating a four-count, very baduy dance step with some hideous waving of her arms. And the minute after that, she was yelling, “Figure Wan! Follow me! Wan! To! Tri! Por!” Just like that. Not even an ounce of explanation.

Everyone was laughing while we tried to follow the ridiculous steps, especially I and the strange, angelic-looking girl next to me [later she told me her name is Diane], because it was very obvious that both of us don’t know how to dance and never dreamed of dancing. Then we were taught Figure 2 and 3, which was even more ridiculous, because we have to do some kind of mincing step which makes us look like pilay na kangaroos.

And then the greatest shock came. Ma’am S announced, while we were acting like lame kangaroos, that we must do our best in the street dance for Ina.

“What?!” I exclaimed like my other classmates. Diane, the angel next to me, cried, “Puta!”

Of course, I was frightened Diane could yell such a very malutong na bad word. But I was even more frightened by the words ‘street dance for Ina’. It combined all my fears – fear of people, dancing, and religion. “Ma’am!” I heard one classmate ask. “We. . . are. . . gonna. . . present. . . this thing?!”

“Opo, mga bebe!” Ma’am S replied brightly. “You are going to present this on June 17. That’s enough for now, but you are obliged to attend the First Friday Mass later today at 4:30, and tomorrow, we will practice on your street dance from 8 to 10! Attendance is a must. . .”

I didn’t want to listen anymore. They didn’t even ask if we were willing to do this, if we can actually do this, what are we going to get for doing this, kung meron bang may hika sa amin. Gumuho na ang mundo ko!!!

Saturday

As it turned out, di naman gumuho ang mundo. So though I was supposed to be at Calabanga this day beginning my NSTP journal designing, I found myself five minutes late again and finding my section already practicing the stupid Figure 1.

Diane, my new teacher and idol on saying bad words, was absent. So I spent the hours staring at this very familiar cute girl named Rances [I think she’s from Ateneo] shaking her booty to the dance steps. Can you imagine, I’m having terrible difficulties in the steps, but I still have time to check out chicks’ booties? Haha! Anyway, though I don’t remember where I met her and why she looks so damn familiar, it’s okay because she’s kinda nice too. She looks like Ma’am Gorom, only with a more heart-shaped face and a nicer smile.

Mukhang nagalit na nga si Dhen kasi tingin ako ng tingin kay Rances. Baby Dhen is a very jealous person, but that’s why I like her. That's what makes her my baby eh. Haha!

Sunday

At last, I’m at home, following my schedule. I was supposed to be finished with the NSTP journal today, but I’m only starting to do it. Damn. I hate being so out of schedule. I’m supposed to be doing my essay on Study and Thinking now, but there’s just no time.

Plus, I’m so angry with my cat, Icarus. Because Mama and Lola are out today, Ate Chai and I can let orangey Papa Icarus in the house. I fell asleep at the dining table around noon, drooling over my unfinished NSTP cover illustration, with a sealed pack of half-full gummy worms beside me.

Around two hours later, I was awakened when the phone rang, and hurried to answer it[it was Nikko.] I spoke to him while Ate Chai, who just arrived from the church, played and rolled on the carpet with Papa Icarus. Afterwards, I returned to the dining room table – and found my bag of gummy worms torn open and EMPTY.

“What the fuck! Asan yung gummy worms ko?! Funieta!” I yelled, thinking it was Ate Chai who ran off with the delicious treats.

“Malay ko! Kararating ko lang! Di nga ko kumukuha kasi madamot ka!” Ate Chai yelled back.

Deeply stung because I didn’t know I can be so madamot with the worms, I inspected the empty plastic bag. It was torn open carelessly by something sharp, and there were flecks of orangey-white fur everywhere on top of my NSTP project.

“ICARUS! PUTANGINANG ANIMAL KA! HAYOP! DEMONYO!”

Uh-oh. Turns out I can also teach Diane a thing or two.

[to be continued. I’m going out for lunch.]

In The Light Of The Sun, Is There Anyone?

2008-06-05T18:50:00.004+08:00

Does anybody here ever felt so depressed you don't even have the right to hurt a fly?

Today I crossed the line that divides high school and college. When I received my diploma on the stage last March 31, I was still a high school student. When I fell in line to enroll myself in the Ateneo, I was still a high school student. When I stepped inside an Atenean classroom for the first time, I was still a high school student. And when I made my first acquaintance with an Atenean teacher and fellow Atenean students, I was still a high school student.

But today, I ceased being a Naguenian. I tire of Naga City Science High School. I don't even want to be reminded of it.

NCSHS has forgotten me. Even my friends from there have forgotten me. It's like they take me for granted when I need them. It's like walking around whispering sweet bullshit with their boyfriends or getting a haircut is much better to waste time on.

It's all reality check. Since high school's over, our friendship should expire too. It's like they're telling me, grow up, fucker. High school's over. We're over. You can stop existing for all we care.

And I don't know why, but after only about a week of being stuck in my block with the only friend I rely on to get me through everything, I think she's tired of me too.

I chucked my NCSHS pin somewhere within the four corners of my room a minute ago. It's out of sight and I don't want to bother looking for it. Someday, maybe when everything's all right again, I might crawl around the floorboards and search for it. But that's someday. Not now.

There are times when we just have to move on. I am forced to move on. Now, I'm a real college student, and don't blame me if you won't know me any longer, because it's you who molded me this way.

College is where living is hectic and everyone's just too rowdy, noisy and fast-forward and you're not supposed to mind other people's business. Where you have irregular schedules and you can go home at ten a.m. because your next class is at 3 p.m. anyway. Where you barely know anybody and, by the end of the semester, nobody would be surprised if you still don't know anybody. Where nobody cares about you but you, and nobody fucks your life up but you. I'm there, doing just that.

If you're all tired of me, fuck you. Just wait and I'll learn to tire of you too.

Love Me Cancerously, Kill Me Romantically.

2008-06-02T12:21:00.008+08:00

On my first day of college life . . .

5:15 am. The cellphone alarm blares under my pillow, straight to my delicate ears. I was in deep sleep on the couch in our Calabanga house, but then I have to follow the rules: I am supposed to be in Theology 1 in the Ateneo at 7:30 today. Hurry. Hurry. I throw away the pillows in hurrying to get up.

5:17 am. I sit down in front of the dining table. I have to sit down and do nothing for at least five minutes, or else the day would surely turn out bad for me. Mama passes by and spots me doing some meditative nothingness, but says nothing. She is used to my half-awake stages every morning; pinapabayaan niya kong magnilay-nilay ng wala.

5:30 am. The 'doing nothing' stage is over at last. Need rice; I found some in the rice cooker [where else?] Need ulam; I found a piece of leftover fried chicken in the ref. Uh-oh, pagtiyagaan na. Coffee. Can't live without coffee. And can't drink it on a mug without a Mickey Mouse logo. Mickey saves the day. Mickey is my boyfriend. Okay, there is a Mickey mug on one of the shelves. Now, hot water and powdered Nescafe. Where is the fucking sugar? No fucking sugar in the house. No fucking sugar anywhere. "Mama. I need sugar!" Mama appears from the kitchen and miraculously produces two precious tablespoons of sugar. Coffee is a success.

6:00 am. "Hoy, anong oras na?!" Mama exclaims upon finding me seated in front of the TV watching morning news. I blink stupidly. Whoa. 6 am. I'm an idiot. I should be in the CR now drowning myself in hot water and Belo soap. Run. Run. Run. To the CR out in the backyard and into nowhere. After drowning myself, I realized I had no towel. Oh no. Can't run outside the backyard to the house naked and looking like a candidate for Playboy magazine. Oh no oh no. My lola's numerous cats and dogs and chickens would see me. Probably even our neighbor who likes to make utang on Mama. So what did I do next? . . . "Mama, pakiabot ang towel!" Mama comes to the rescue again, holding a Mickey towel. Mama is my rescuer. And Mickey Mouse too.

6:15 am. Clothes for the day are laid out on the bed. And no, they're not Mickey Mouse costumes, but courtesy of Bench. I start the day right with a purple shirt. Purple is cute. It's the color of Barney [so what?] Okay. Okay. No fucking belt. I find the belt in the drawer smelling of moth balls and ipis. Eew. No need to hurry, it's too early, I am not late.

6:30 am. "Ihahatid na kita sa kanto," Mama says, putting on a jacket and starting the family motorcycle. No choice. So I rode the motorbike. Go. Go. Roar. Not even two minutes and I was already boarding a jeep to Naga.

7:00 am. Standing in Piston looking for some shops selling load. Okay, found one. I take out my wallet and ask the obviously sleepy woman on the window, "Magkano po Alltext 20?" and the woman stares back like I was a sea slug or something. I gradually convince her I'm a costumer, and all I need is some fucking load, I'll pay her and follow all the rules of consumerism. All for P22. Everything is so fucking expensive nowadays.

7:15 am. Text. Text. Text. Where is my buddy and blockmate Malean? I arrive at my beautiful Ateneo and wait stupidly at the main gate. Wait. Wait. Wait. I yawn and try my best to look like a college student. This chick that looks and acts like Mara, my blockmate Naj, suddenly comes in the gate and gives me a very warm smile. Wow. I forgot about waiting for Mal. It's the fault of Naj's stunning smile.

7:30 am. Mal and I successfully find each other. With this other blockmate of ours, Jano, whom I never really liked, we walk to the very distant Arrupe building, where our first subject would be taught at room 213 [2nd floor]. Fuck, it's as distant as Mars. If I'll be arriving at the main gate five minutes before the time, I would certainly be late upon arriving at Arrupe. Tss. Jano didn't make things better either. He's the type of gay [and I mean baklush] person who immediately irritates me at first sight without even trying.

7:45 am. My block CC11 is complete when this Theology guy called Sir ToniJoe arrives and tells us about Theology thingy. I was actually sleepy but I tried not to show it because I was right in the second view. So he asks stupid questions like what are our expectations and what makes something difficult. Well, what can I expect from Ateneo's Christ-centeredness anyway? Okay. Okay. Calm down. I try to listen patiently but my mind wandered off in space. Next thing I knew, we were dismissed early.

9:00 am. With Mal, Jennifer and this other chick named Kate, we get up after Theology and discover to our surprise that we were the only ones who were leaving; the rest of my blockmates would remain in 213 for English Plus while we were off to Study and Thinking Skills, a much higher level of English. Dumb boisterous people, mga 'fatal' man palan. Especially that emo-emohan girl in CC11 whom Mal and I learned to hate. Kate was charming and intelligent and soft-spoken. STS is being taught at OB112 by Ma'am Libreja, a youthful teacher whom we first mistook for a student. She speaks nicely and was quite surprised when she found out we were first-years; apparently, only higher levels are smart enough for this subject. Whew, way to go.

9:15 am. While Ma'am Libreja was speaking about writing and speaking being honed in her subject, I glance outside and spot this beautiful angel wearing purple. Whoa. Whoa. Femme fatale! None other than the Vanquisher, dancer, speaker and beauty queen Jessica de Silva, whom I fell in love with since I first saw her at my high school, back in my first year. Haha. Childish crush it may be, it never disappeared until now, when I saw Jessica again at the OrSem.

10:30 am. This time found me and Mal back at NCSHS to get the latest school paper, because we were dismissed early and our next class was at one-thirty. Xing came with us and we constantly taunted her about the Knightmare guy Nico Luz, who was also there and who has a terrible crush on her. Tss. No matter what day it is, Xing is always stunning. Okay. I'm disappointed with the school paper. I hate Ma'am Laurente, that fat tub of lard who thinks she owns the universe. No. No. No way. I am going to rule the universe, not just someone like Ma'am Laurente. [Rawr!]

11:30 am. At home now in Arana and self-studying how to cook rice in the fucking rice cooker we've got. Waited for a full hour before rice was satisfactory to my delicate tastes. I am such a prima donna. Running late by the time I boarded a tricycle to Ateneo.

1:30 pm. No need to hurry. Teacher in Communication, which was our supposed 1:30 subject, didn't show up. We were free until 3 pm, and we used the time to chat. Chat. Chat. Though mostly it's me and Mal chatting, we occasionally get the grace of conversing with Contessa, Jano [which I don't want to converse with anyway], Tin Uy, Kate and Jennifer. Even had the chance to go to Xavier Hall with Lan and Conchitina [hope I got that right]. When we got back to AR213, a lady's bag was sitting where I should be seated. I found out it was the bag of this chick talking with Conchitina. This chick was absent on the Orsem so I wasn't really familiar with her, but I think her name is Christine too, like Tin Uy.

3:14 pm. Sir Delloro, the austere-looking but actually cheerful Basic Math teacher, arrived and scared us with his talk about grading systems and nosebleeds. I was sleepy again despite his jokes; however, I jolted awake when I saw my angelic Jessica de Silva passing our room and holding hands with this pimply guy. Oh no. Oh no. She's taken, damn it. Fuck, I am so frustrated! Jessica, the love of my life, is TAKEN. Life would never be perfect. I would have to be contented when she passes by the corridors everyday, occasionally giving me a casual smile, so close and yet so far. Such dramatic bullshit. Whew, this is life.

4:00 pm. Mal and I head to the OSA to get our ID and handbook. There were already a handful of people there, but somehow, before they increased greatly, we succesfully got what we need. I assisted our late blockmates Tin Uy and Contessa for a while, before we left to go back to NCSHS for the Osiris meeting.

4:15 pm. Was too lazy and heartbroken on Jessica to go to NCSHS. Instead, Mal and I decided to drown our frustrations in internet surfing. We boarded a tricycle in front of Ateneo and saw a heck of a lot of people, including Krismabelle and Alexa on BS Tourism with her newfound friends, one of them my stunningly pretty ex Samantha. Whew, life. Computer rental rates everywhere are now up to P20. What the hell is happening to Earth? Mama should increase my allowance too.

10:00 pm. Decided to use the dial-up internet in our computer in Arana instead of wasting more money outside in comshops. The problem is, the internet in here can't log on to Friendster, and it took me fucking twenty minutes to connect to Blogger. Fuck this computer. Pinaliguan ko na ng putang-ina saka lintian bago gumana. I might do a catalogue of the beautiful chicks I spot at Ateneo sometime, but that exciting event would be sometime, not now.

Meanwhile, fuck my computer. Fuck my lousy first day in Ateneo too.

Ateneo, Orsem, Chicks, and Some More.

2008-05-29T17:49:00.005+08:00

Ateneo :: is kind of nice, except for some small thing that makes me dislike it. The campus is big, teachers aren't that mean, the people are friendly enough, Ateneo's four pillars meant Piety, Wisdom, Excellence and Service - but everyone there is addicted to spirituality. The facilitators and administrators are always speaking about Christ-centeredness and everything holy; I was actually waiting for that thunderbolt to hit me for being such an, uhm, unenthusiastic Christian.

Orsem :: was boring at first. By the morning session, Malean and I were rotting away with boredom. But by the afternoon, we met our blockmates and did some personality-improvement stuff. Blockmates are intelligent, articulate and sensitive, and I actually found myself warming to them and even sharing some of my deepest thoughts and some bits about myself. Everything on this afternoon was actually nice, especially when the Atenean-Osiris people hung out near the four pillars and talked about today's events. I just don't know about the coming days.

Chicks :: Lots. But not in my block of mixed people from AB Communication, BS Journalism, and AB Broadcasting. We were the normal number, a whole class, but out of the numerous girls, I only found three cute people: Malean, of course; this cheerful, talkative person named Nagie, and a very shy but smiling girl from Bula/Baao/whatever named Jill.

and Some More :: SRA tomorrow. But I'm now supposed to stick with my blockmates, which separates me from Baby Dhen and all the other Osiris in the school. Whew, I'm too lazy to type. What the heck. Probably more tomorrow.

Hand In Hand, Me and Insecurity.

2008-05-24T17:48:00.003+08:00

Bakit ba ganyan ka makatingin?

The first thought my tiny brain produced upon the first time I walked outside our house today. And this first thought was produced when I stepped outside the compound gate and saw this small, rat-faced Naguenian guy [I just know he's a Naguenian, he's wearing Zephyrus' red batch t-shirt] passing by and staring at me like I've got an arrow through my head or something.

And by staring, I don't mean just a simple glance or that mild scrutiny we do on recognizing another fellow Naguenian. By staring, tiningnan nya ko mula ulo hanggang paa, mula xa pinakamataas kong nakatayong patay na hibla ng buhok hanggang sa pinakadulong molecule ng aking patay na kuko sa paa.

Buti lang kung malaswa yung tingin nya sakin. E di sana naging confident pa ko na sexy ako or something.

Pero kung makatingin naman kasi, parang naglalakad ako na may tortang talong sa mukha. E nagtoothbrush naman ako. Bench naman yung t-shirt ko. Naka-cap pa nga akong Oxygen. Yung shorts ko lang ang hindi branded, pero kahit papaano, Abercrombie and Fitch naman yun. Kahit ang underwear ko, Penshoppe. At sigurado akong naglagay pa ko ng deodorant tsaka nagspray ng cologne bago ako lumabas. Anong tinitingin-tingin mo, fucker?

Hay naku. Paranoid na talaga ko. Tapos nung bumibili naman ako ng libro sa labas, pakiramdam ko, grabe makatingin sakin yung lecheng saleslady. Bakit ba kasi grabe makatingin ang mga saleslady? Hindi naman ako mukhang magnanakaw. Oo, mukha ngang wild ang buhok ko, pero inosente naman akong ngumiti.

Tapos nung ngumiti naman ako sa saleslady, umalis. Anong problema nun? Sheeeet. Nasilaw sa ginintuan kong ngipin. Tss.

Nung naglalakad naman ako pauwi, pakiramdam ko, lahat ng makakasalubong ko, tinitingnan ako in a violent way. Ano bang problema ng mga tao? Ngayon lang ba sila nakakita ng gago?

Ay ewan. Kung pwede lang sanang manusok ng mata ng mga estranghero gamit ang tinidor.

Pero I swear, kanina pa ko tinitingnan nitong baklang katabi ko sa comshop. Fuck off, bitch.

Don't You See I'm The Narrator, And This Is Just The Prologue?

2008-05-24T08:26:00.001+08:00

I have some stories here that I simply can't get out of my mind. So please, just bear with me. But keep this in mind: You might know the real people behind one or two of them. Or, better yet, you might even be one of them.

Story#1 :: The magazine-perfect lady.
My cousin is a second-year student of nursing in Naga, an absolutely pretty creature with doe brown eyes and a very sweet smile. Her relationship with her boyfriend has been around since her first year in high school. I don't know why or when or where, but a month ago, they suddenly broke up, and the guy migrated to Chicago. Just last Thursday, I saw my beautiful cousin in an alarming state of health, with a constant frightened look on her face and deathly red eyes. She told me the truth: she was pregnant, and she did not know how to tell her father, a very strict and respected pillar of the community.

Story#2 :: The prodigal son.
Another nursing student, this time a stepbrother in Nueva Ecija, where Dad's other family lived. Stepbrother had gotten his girlfriend pregnant some years ago, but stepmom paid for the abortion. January 2008, Dad told us that again, stepbrother got his girlfriend pregnant. There was no escaping it this time: Stepbrother only told his parents about it when girlfriend's baby was six months old, making it too dangerous for abortion.

Story#3 :: My Little Miss Perfect ex.
I liked her once. She liked me too. We had a brief relationship, until I got tired of her angelic face and attitude, and moved on to someone more daring. That was last year, and until now, she believes that we could still get back together and make it work out. But when I discovered her dirty little secret, her hopes to get me back were reduced to zero. She probably looked angelic and acted angelic, but when she's with Daddy Dildo, I guess not.

Story#4 :: The single Beauty Queen.
She is sweet, pretty, and a title-holder. Many guys, attracted by her looks and popularity, are trying to court her. But she says no to everyone, mainly because of two things: her parents certainly wouldn't allow the relationship, and the guy she really likes from a very, very long time ago is now far away, only communicating through text, and has made it clear that they would only be friends and nothing more than that.

Story#5 :: The girl next door.
She's pretty, she's smart, she's friendly, and she knows how to play Crash Bandicoot and other games besides in their Playstation. What's more, she's my neighbor, she's a college student and she's absolutely open to any flings. She already told me that she likes me and kept on asking me jokingly when I plan to court her, but we both know, deep inside, that she really wants me to do that. Everything would have been so perfect, except for one tiny little problem: I don't like her.

Story#6 :: A frustrated rich kid.
She's a very beautiful daughter of a respected government official. Everyone liked her friendliness and simplicity, especially guys, who are crushing on her left and right. Now, two very handsome guys that were every girl's dream are now involved in her life: Guy#1 texts her until morning, making hints that he really adores her. But Guy#2, the one she actually likes, seemed to be deadma on her feelings, because he is currently in a relationship with another cute chick.

Story#7 :: Mister Smiley.
He was indifferent to the world around him, and he only apparently cared for three things: computer games, his friends, and his long-time crush, who rarely seemed to notice him. He gave her gifts, gave her load and tried his best to make her his, but nothing seemed to be effective. When she was paired with one of his friends, Mister Smiley was hurt, but he tried not to show it. Now, she is leaving to study in a far away school, and I, in my part, hope that Mister Smiley would immediately move on.

Story#8 :: The romantic poet.
He is romantic, somehow good-looking, and said to be very good in writing. He once liked to run around with the month's newest version of girls. He courted chicks endlessly just for fun, sending them expensive gifts, taking them out to lunch or dinner. He's had the flirts, the playgirls, the angels, the glamour girls, the nobodies. But when he met the girl he knew he really wanted, he tried every method to make her like him too, but he failed miserably. Now, he was simply tired, and while trying to move on, he'd like to try single blessedness for a change.

[to be continued. Probably.]

And A Few More Of Your Least Favorite Things.

2008-05-23T19:20:00.003+08:00

I got this thing from Patricia, and I thought that after the previous violent post, I should treat you to an innocent post today.

-----

Psychoanalyze Yourself: Don't read ahead, just copy and paste the following BEFORE you read the answers. Then answer the following questions one at a time WITHOUT LOOKING AHEAD with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read what each answer means at the end.

-start-

1.You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who's with you?
* uh.Xing?

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?
* some creature named Reuben. Ay, di pala animal yun, asalhayop lang. A furry, pretty domestic cat, probably. [Meron bang domestic cat sa woods? Tss.]

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
* uh, can I bite the cat?

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your house. Describe your dream house.
*A palace made of mirrors. Or, better yet, of chocolate!

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
* yeah, to keep animals like Reuben away.

6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table is covered with:
* like Patricia's answer, lots of pasta!

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
* diamond. Haha. Para rich.

8. What do you do with the cup?
* put it in my bag and go straight to a jeweler. HAHAHA.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at a body of water.What kind is it?
* the Pacific Ocean. I want to be at the edge of the earth. =]

10. How do you cross that body of water?
* by surfboard. Nyahaha. I might be dead even before I get halfway through the Pacific. Ambisyoso.

(Dont look at this section until you've answered the top)

The ANSWERS:

1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important to you.
. huh? Well, I know.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
. so that would be, like, cat-sized? No way! I'm serious on problems.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
. just great. I didn't know I can bite problems. HAHA.

4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition.
. Whoa! Ambisyoso nga talaga ako!

5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
. ah, yeah, I don't want to be too open.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
. great. You don't know how much pasta makes me happy. . .lolz

7. The durability of the material with the cup is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person in number one.
. whoa! So basically, my relationship with person in number one is indestructible!

8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
. attitude in what?

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your relationships.
. wow! Endless ocean!

10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.
. aww. Looks like mukhang magiging mahirap talagang tawirin ang ocean gamit ang surfboard. HAHA.

-----

What's The Deal Yo, The Deal Yo, Dildo?!

2008-05-22T17:30:00.007+08:00

WARNING: A VERY UNHEALTHY POST LYING AHEAD.
But no, parental guidance isn't advisory, unless you want to find yourself being mercilessly whipped with your dad's belt.

-----

This afternoon, when I was casually strolling inside Bichara Mall with a yearbook in my hand and thinking of food, I ran into a friend, Dominique. [Basta Dominique. Wag ka nang magtanong, it's for privacy.] Our encounter was brief, because she was obviously in a hurry and I, on my part, didn't see her kung hindi niya ko inakbayan.

So here's how that 'brief encounter' ran:

Dominique: Magbe-bertday na ko!
Me: Ano gusto mong regalo? [thinking she'd say anything from cellphones to boylets]
Dominique: Dildo. *laughs wildly* Haha, joke!
Me: *blankly* Ano yan?

I heard the term at least once from Nikko, but I never really cared to learn what a 'dildo' was. But then Dominique excused herself, saying she was in a hurry, and really had to rush; I was left staring after her, then I shrugged and walked straight to GL's [another friend] house.

I arrived just in time to catch GL alone in their house with her five-year-old cousin, a guy we'll call Hans. GL let me use the computer in her room, and I searched 'dildo' in Wikipedia while she sat on her bed painting her toenails pink.

What I read next in the computer screen made me jump out of my skin.

A dildo is a sex toy, often explicitly phallic in appearance, intended for bodily penetration during masturbation or sex with a partner or partners.

GL noticed my surprised face.

GL: Something wrong?
Me: What?. . . uh, wala naman.

And then Hans suddenly entered the bedroom, proclaiming another shocking statement with a horrific smile.

Hans: Ate G***, ang kati ng *birdie* [reproductive organ?] ko.
GL: [nabingi bigla] Huh?
Hans: I said, makati ang *birdie* ko. [drops his pants and plays with the *birdie*]
GL: [jumps up and covers my eyes with her hand] HANS!
Hans: [hands still on *birdie*] Baket? Hawakan mo, nakakatuwa.
GL: What the fuck, Hans, wag mong ipapakitang ginagawa mo yan sa ibang tao.

I didn't know what to say after that, but I almost laughed. Did GL actually mean you can touch your *birdie* as long as nobody's looking? HAHA!

-----

But nothing today actually beats what GL said, when she finished lecturing Hans on the importance of hiding your *birdie* from view and keeping your hands off it, and she spotted the dreadful topic I was researching on her computer.

GL: Shet, Naxcz! What the hell is that?
Me: *nervous* Huh?! Ah. Ahm. Kasi I didn't know what that is, tapos -
GL: [rudely interrupts] Gumagamit ka nyan?
Me: *defensive* Hell no! Ngayon ko lang nalaman kung ano yan!
GL: [smiles, opens the drawer beside her bed, and shows me some long, thick, rubbery black stuff] Ok lang kung gumagamit ka. Meron din ako nyan.
Me: *too shocked, stunned, paralyzed to speak, then whispers* IKAW?

Jesus, I don't have to buy a Maxim or Playboy magazine - pornography is, basically, EVERYWHERE.

-----

I'm serious about that denial of using a dildo, though. Back then, it never ever crossed my mind to masturbate.

But now that my innocence is corrupted, haha, I'm not so sure.

But The Story Needs Some Mending, And A Better Happy Ending: A Movie Review Of Parang-juuibo.

2008-05-19T17:37:00.008+08:00

[edited version.]
I don't care if you don't read it. It's just that I've been meaning to get around this movie review for ages, and somehow I'll feel haunted until I express myself about it.

-----

Some people are satisfied just to watch two people happily in love. I don't know why, but lately I became one of those people.

Which is why I deeply enjoyed this Korean movie entitled Parang-juuibo [My Girl and I]. The storyline was that of a simple romantic, somehow cheerful love story, which begins between a not-too-good-looking, slow-witted guy, Su Ho [played byTa-hyun Cha, from Sad Movie], and his classmate, the prettiest girl in his school, Su-eun [played by Song Hye-Kyo, photo below, from Full House].

The setting is in a place somewhere near the sea. The story starts several years after Su Ho and Su-eun became a couple, during a reunion of Su Ho's class, where his three friends were betting that he would not come 'because he still haven't gotten over his girl', as one of them said. To their surprise, Su Ho arrives and waves at them.

A few moments later Su Ho and his friends were standing on a lighthouse, watching the sea. One of them shouts, "Su-eun, my friend's brain is small, but you would always remain in his heart. Please let my friend go." At this, Su Ho breaks down and cry, during which his story with Su-eun is presented.

The next scene shows Su Ho apparently drowned and lying on some corals on the sea floor, where a pretty girl, Su-eun, rescues him and leaves him coughing on the sand. Su-eun walks away, then looks at her side and realizes she lost her beeper in the water, but only shrugs. Meanwhile, Su Ho's friends arrive, and he mistakenly believes they saved him.

Su Ho then rides his bike and visits his grandfather, a local undertaker [a man who prepares funerals]. Su Ho was shocked when his cheerful, wise grandfather suddenly gets up from one of the coffins inside his shop, and they chat and drink some beer.

The next day, while his class are being taught to sing, Su Ho notices that Su-eun, who was seated a few desks away from him, was staring at him. His friend, a chubby guy seated in front of her, then tells Su Ho that he [chubby guy] is distracted in his studies because Su-eun kept on looking at him. Su Ho, thinking that Su-eun was probably staring at his classmate and not at him, ignores the whole incident.

Afterwards Su Ho and Su-eun meet in the hallway, and somehow, they can't move forward because everytime they take a step, the other accidentally blocks the way. Su Ho, getting anxious, then tells Su-eun, "You move to the right, and I'll move to the left," to which Su-eun replies, "You mean, your right?" Su Ho resolves the matter by holding Su-eun in the shoulder and passing in the narrow space on her right, then walking forward. But then Su-eun calls him back and asks him to buy her a croquette [bread filled with meat/vegetables]. Su Ho, surprised, replies, "What?! . . . if I do that, everybody would think we're going out!"

Still, he buys two croquettes for Su-eun and himself, and everybody within range were suddenly staring with open amazement at the two of them, rumours suddenly springing up about the two of them going out. Su Ho feels apprehensive and self-conscious, but Su-eun only takes a bite out of her croquette and smiles sweetly at him.

Su Ho then heads home, but not before his chubby friend from earlier, who obviously has a terrible crush on Su-eun, warns him that Su-eun was only toying with him. Su Ho, irritated with everybody's nagging, only shouts, "I just bought her a damned croquette!" before rushing away. At home, he finds his fat sister on the phone, who asked him if he and Su-eun are going out. "What would Su-eun see in you?" his sister asks, then gives him the same warning as his chubby friend's.

The next day, Su Ho is suddenly assaulted by the huge leader of the judo club, who also has a crush on Su-eun. Su-eun passes by, and the leader asks her if she and Su Ho are going out. Su-eun replies yes, and Su Ho would have been under more trouble if two of his friends arrived on bicycles; Su-eun pulled Su Ho's hand and they rode hurriedly with their friends, escaping the judo club to a safe spot near the beach.

In the same lighthouse facing the sea, Su-eun and Su Ho chat idly, and Su-eun kept on making hints that she likes Su Ho and it was she who saved him from drowning some days ago. However, Su Ho can't get the point, so Su-eun finally said, "Buy me a beeper. You're the reason why I lost mine."

On reaching home, Su Ho nags his fish-selling mother to buy him a beeper. Later, Su-eun writes her phone number on a piece of fruit, telling him not to call when her strict father was around. That night, Su Ho fights over his sister over the phone, but before he could use it, Su-eun sends him a voice message saying, "You dummy, not knowing that someone's looking at you. . ." She then admits that she wanted to be with Su Ho, and Su Ho, dazed by the turn of events, felt very happy because he knows he loves Su-eun too.
[continuation.]
In class the next morning, Su Ho was excused because his grandfather supposedly collapsed. He rushes to his grandpa's house and finds him alive and kicking; he only wanted to get Su Ho out of class to tell him about his first love. Before the old man could begin the story, though, Su-eun arrives with Su Ho's bag, and his grandpa makes her rotate eighteen times until she was dizzy, based on a superstition to ward off evil spirits. Then Grandpa narrates his story to the couple.

When he was young, Su Ho's grandfather joined the army and was assigned to a different region in Korea. He was separated from his first love, Soon-Im. He left her a necklace to remember him by.

Years passed and soon he became an undertaker, but he never saw Soon-Im, and he felt 'alive but not living, dead but not departed'. Once, he was asked to prepare a funeral and as it turned out, the dead man was Soon-Im's husband. They couldn't even say a word to each other and soon he married another woman, Su Ho's grandmother.

Returning to school, Su-eun and Su Ho argued endlessly about Grandpa's story, love, and the afterlife. On their last argument, Su-eun gets mad on something Su Ho said, and she ignores him for the rest of the day. However, Su-eun waited for him later with two croquettes as a peace offering, but Su Ho, very jealous and hurt, just passes her by in his bike.

Later on, Su Ho realizes that he wanted Su-eun to be his destiny, and he tells her so through a message to her beeper. To his surprise, while saying this on a payphone, someone behind him said, "Me too," and he turned to see Su-eun smiling at him.

Su Ho's friends proposed a trip to Fog Island, where the supposedly magical Marriage Rock was found. As Su Ho and Su-eun arrived together at the pier, he finds out that his friends tricked him, and he and Su-eun would be going alone. He lied to Su-eun for his friends, but he stammered badly; Su-eun immediately knew what happened, demanded "You knew this all along, didn't you?" and walked away angrily. But to Su Ho's surprise, she went to the ticket counter and, smiling, bought two tickets to Fog Island herself.

They had so much fun at the island, and one night, when the rain was falling, Su-eun was singing aloud by the window when Su Ho came and wondered if the rain falls in drops or threads. Su-eun suddenly kissed him.

The next morning, Su Ho found Su-eun in a cliff, spreading seeds on the ground. But before he could come to her, she suddenly collapsed; he took her on his back and rushed back to the mainland, where her parents were waiting in a cab. Before they left for the hospital, Su-eun's father slapped Su Ho in the face.

Su Ho visited Su-eun everyday in the hospital, despite his fear of her parents; he constantly cheered her up, sent her messages and called her Princess Anemia, to her great amusement. He told her how much he loved the sky and hated his mom's smell of fish; she in turn said how much she loved school uniforms and hated needles. But then one day, Su Ho arrived in her room to find Su-eun gone; on asking for her whereabouts, he discovered that Su-eun's disease wasn't simple anemia, but leukemia that was inoperable. Later, Su Ho arrives in his grandpa's shop and finds Su-eun lying on a coffin, which drives him very angry; still, Su-eun apologizes, and he realizes there was nothing to do but to hold on to her.

One day, Soon-Im's daughter arrived on Grandpa's shop, and told him her mother wished to be reunited with him. He prepared her funeral and was reunited with his first love, the woman he had loved for 50 years.

Afterwards, Su Ho came to visit Su-eun, who was back in the hospital, but was devastated to find her bedroom wrapped in sterile plastic to keep off bacteria. Su-eun looks sadly at him, then says that she had to be kissed by a prince; Su Ho weeps in the bathroom and gargles on a lot of mouthwash, and when he returned, Su-eun was looking at him with a wistful smile.

"You dummy," Su-eun said. "We can't do it directly anyway."

But Su Ho walks to the plastic wall and presses his lips against it, and Su-eun kisses them through the plastic.

On his last message to Su-eun, Su Ho argues with her, feeling frustrated on her condition. He tells her that he would forget her immediately because of his small brain, would marry another girl, and never think about her when she dies. Su-eun, who was about to send Su Ho a message too, said that she would never allow him to marry anyone and haunt him throughout his life. Still, on the end of their messages, they both cancel them.

One day, when Su Ho visited the hospital, Su-eun expressed her last wish and before she could say anything else, he brought out two ferry tickets for Fog Island. On the day of their departure, a typhoon struck and all trips were cancelled. Su Ho desperately tried to convince the authorities to let them travel but to no avail.

As he was arguing with the management, Su-eun felt even weaker and she knew it was already her time. She said her last words and wished for Su Ho in her mind. As he was apologizing to her about the storm, she collapsed into Su Ho and died.

Ten years later, Su Ho returned to Fog Island and found Su-eun's bag in the lost and found section. Inside the bag was her diary, where he read how she planted seeds in the hill during their visit and promised herself that when those seeds became flowers, she'll come back with Su Ho to that island, year after year.The hill covered with flowers will be her gift to him.

Su Ho quickly went to the hill and was overjoyed to see it covered with purple flowers. There, he felt Su-eun with him.

-----

What was lovely about this story is its simplicity and reality; it did not have to employ the Filipino conception of love, which meant making love and kissing every available minute. Su-eun and Su Ho didn't even directly tell each other 'I love you' until the end. The movie can happen to each and every one of us, no matter how tragic it may seem. The soundtrack was moving, the cinematography was clear and good, and every scene was related to the storyline.

If there are negative sides on the story, then I hardly ever saw them. Some may say that the choice of the character of Su Ho was a drawback, because of his not really handsome looks. But to me, it is an advantage, because I believe that if Su Ho had been so handsome, then his slow-wittedness, which was the source of laughter in the movie, would have been ignored. It would have also been hard to believe that Su Ho would be suffering if he was so handsome; he wouldn't be totally devoted to Su-eun and he would have moved on immediately.

The side story of Grandpa did not complicate the main story. The emotions of the characters were natural, and there were a lot of good poetry and quotes, but when the characters delivered them, they sounded very natural too, not just quoting lines, but speaking them from the heart. From the line "I've decided. Every time I laugh, cry, and live, it'll be for you", to "My birthday...It's a week before yours. Since I was born first, I waited alone in a world without you. In the future, I'll wait for you a long, long time. Take your time. Stay all you like," to my favorite, "Being left behind is as scary as leaving," they ring sincerely and gets stuck in the mind with their humble simplicity.

These are some of the reasons why I fell into a deep obsession with this movie. I want to be like Su Ho if ever my most beloved dies, remaining loyal to her after ten years and maybe even after fifty, like Grandpa. I have watched it for the third time already, twice through Crunchyroll, and no matter how I look at it, its simple quality still turns me emo and doesn't lose its appeal to me.

And A Happy Deathday To My Enemy - Me.

2008-05-15T18:26:00.002+08:00

Why did I change my background?
Same reason why I'm turning sixteen tomorrow.